Wednesday, August 24, 2011
who's on first?
it's a shame my kids don't understand abbot and costello. they also don't understand when i come in the front door and yell "loooooocy, i'm hooooooome!" suppose it would help if i exposed them to such comic gems but i do feel some satisfaction knowing that they are well versed in "what's up doc" and "acme" gadgets.
back to "who's on first".... who IS on first? more so, who IS out there looking at this blog. it got me thinking, and questioning my ego and so non-egocentric self. who reads this dribble?
so if you're out there and you take the time to come by here and check out my dribble, let me know. post a comment and say "here". i'm on first! i realize it may take some of the anonymity away, as well as the mystery, but honestly it's driving me batty thinking of who could possibly be reading this shit. suppose that's the price i pay for putting out for anyone to see but hey, we all know i like to live on the edge. won't you join me :)
home
I’m addicted to a little something called Pinterest. A website committed to my addiction to surfing and turfing the interwebs for things that I covet. You know. Decorating ideas, shoe addictions, words of wisdom, personal style. Time and time again there are “sayings” about home…it’s the heart, it’s where your mom is, it’s where love resides, it’s where we grow, etc. etc. etc.
Lately that idea of “home” has been rooting around in my brain and in my heart. I have a dear friend who is torn because she doesn’t have a house to call her own, with walls to paint and rooms to decorate. She struggles with the idea of being temporary and I feel for her. I really do understand, after living in an apartment for a year, just how hard it can be to raise a family, put down roots, when you feel you have no place to call your own. A home is an important part of who we are as families but also as individuals. We need to feel that we have a “home”, a safe place where we can kick off our shoes and just *be.
As I struggle and overcome the need to make my house a home, I find that it has nothing to do with how shiny my floors get. It has nothing to do with how I manicure my lawn. Granted, I doubt that I would feel as secure if my situation were still temporary in relation to my housing. I’m fortunate and grateful beyond recognition for this piece of homestead with my name on it. But what does define a home? Is it where you live, is it who you live with or is it about *how you live your life?
I’ve recently been doing a lot of reconnecting with people that generate a great deal of positive energy. I know, I know. Bust out the birks and the incense but I believe fully in the power of energy. Surrounding myself with negative people and places has done nothing good for me. Yet when I choose to live in a positive frame of mind, with other like minded folks, my life becomes full of good things. These friends of mine, both old and new, have an amazing way of looking at life. We all struggle to define who we are while staying open to the possibilities that wait for us. Some of them are deeply spiritual, there are a few Jesus freaks in the bunch, a few Buddhist, some folks that just feel the energy and move with it. But the running vein that connects us is a feeling of acceptance…and acceptance of each other while we try to accept ourselves. We are all at difference points in the process. Some of us just beginning which is where I feel I fit.
But here’s the amazing thing. When I surround myself with these folks, with these soul sisters and brothers of mine, with this new found yet old family, they accept me for me and even more importantly, I begin to accept myself. It’s cleansing, it’s powerful, it’s liberating and fulfilling. I feel like I’m home. I’m home with my tribe. I’m home without having walls and a roof. I’m out there, in the open air of the evening and I’m home.
I’m especially reminded of my real home today when I feel the pressure to be another PTA mom. When I feel looked down upon because I chose to leave a marriage that was a sham in what can only be describe as a cookie cutter community of married parents. When I feel like I don’t fit because I’m just not like the other girls. And yet I’ve never felt more accepted and loved in all my life. I’m not like the other girls…it’s true. And I love it and I’m thankful that other people do too.
This is my home. Right where I am.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
the love nook
as i was laying in bed with justin this morning, i felt an overwhelming sense of peace. i found my peace and my piece of mind in the love nook. you know, the nook?
no. you don't know about it? neither did a good friend i talked to earlier today. she kinda sorta just shrugged and went "what the hell are you talking about now". this isn't necessarily that unusual of a response from said friend (swear i could smack her if i didn't love her so damn much) but still, could i be the only one who acknowledges the love nook?
so here's my definition of the love nook. it's that cozy corner that a lover provides. usually found when you wake up in the morning to roll over and snug for a while. sometimes you can even find it after you've had a passionate night together. some people call it cuddling but i hate to use that term. i only use cuddling with the kids. otherwise it's the post-coitus, could i love you anymore if i tried, i made noises like some wild coyote on animal planet, body touching moment. you know. that place on a man's chest and shoulder, right there between the two when you rest your hand across them, they run their fingers through your hair and voila...a love nook is formed.
what i find intriguing about this little slice of heaven is the feeling of safety. i think some of that stems from hearing another persons heartbeat. it's like joy is just saturating every part of you. and that's when it hits you. you fit. you just fit perfectly in that little nook. if it's the right love nook, that's how it feels.
this morning i was reminded that his is the only nook i ever want to feel.
no. you don't know about it? neither did a good friend i talked to earlier today. she kinda sorta just shrugged and went "what the hell are you talking about now". this isn't necessarily that unusual of a response from said friend (swear i could smack her if i didn't love her so damn much) but still, could i be the only one who acknowledges the love nook?
so here's my definition of the love nook. it's that cozy corner that a lover provides. usually found when you wake up in the morning to roll over and snug for a while. sometimes you can even find it after you've had a passionate night together. some people call it cuddling but i hate to use that term. i only use cuddling with the kids. otherwise it's the post-coitus, could i love you anymore if i tried, i made noises like some wild coyote on animal planet, body touching moment. you know. that place on a man's chest and shoulder, right there between the two when you rest your hand across them, they run their fingers through your hair and voila...a love nook is formed.
what i find intriguing about this little slice of heaven is the feeling of safety. i think some of that stems from hearing another persons heartbeat. it's like joy is just saturating every part of you. and that's when it hits you. you fit. you just fit perfectly in that little nook. if it's the right love nook, that's how it feels.
this morning i was reminded that his is the only nook i ever want to feel.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
in the eye of the beholder
beauty is in the eye of the beholder. i've always liked that saying. when i was in my prepubescent funky phase, the idea of being beautiful to just one person gave me hope. then again my hormones probably resembled courtney love after an 8ball so everything to me was jacked up.
as an adult though, it holds a different connotation for me. i've never thought of myself as someone who is beautiful in the traditional sense. take for instance the archetype of beauty. some say there is a scientific formula for such beauty. a mask of linear proportion that defines true physical beauty. the standard is the marquardt mask. superimposed upon a photograph you can see the symmetry and lines that supposedly define a beautiful face. i've downloaded it before, looked at it, but refuse to layer it as a mask over my photograph. i just won't do it because frankly, i don't believe in it.
i've been thinking about the perceptions of beauty lately because there is a strange phenomena going on in my life....men are finding me attractive. huh? whut? where did this attention come from all of a sudden? it's a little disturbing to me because what i see in the mirror is not what i "want" to see from myself. i'm not saying that i don't find anything about myself attractive. i do. i own some traditional ideas of beauty. plump lips, full round body, penetrating eyes, milky white complexion, yeah. i have some of those. but in general, i don't fit the mold of a woman who gets lots of attention. i'm 100lbs. overweight...and no, folks, that is not an exaggeration. i am truly 100lbs. overweight and it's not healthy. my skin breaks out on a frequent basis for no known reason. fucking puberty at 39 can kiss my ass. i have stretch marks, i have a dimpled ass, my thighs rub together when i walk, my hair isn't exactly shiny, i'm divorced, a mom, the list of things that aren't traditionally thought of as sexy or beautiful by most men.
so why all of a sudden do i have men knocking on the door? now i am in crazy mad love with switch and i think it's pretty safe to say that he feels the same way about me. so it's not like i'm going out and looking for suitors. perhaps i flirt more than i have in the past though. being loved and loving someone gives you an incredible amount of confidence in the real world. love bubbles have a way of doing that to a girl. swoon.
there are two men in particular, one of whom i work with and the other is an ex who makes gestures and innuendo despite the fact that he's married. the ex is tough to handle since he's such a close friend and yet he is going through some major life changes. i think his attraction to me is one of nostalgia. wanting to go back in time and be young and free again. he knows it, i know it, i have to reel him back in every now and then. he hasn't been inappropriate in his actions but instead suggestive flirting. i'm not threatened but still find it odd that he finds me sexually interesting after all these years. those boys and their dicks. i swear. the man at work is someone i've just gotten to know and i have to say, he's as sweet as they get. he's attractive, he's smart and funny, he's an enormous flirt and he's made a few advances that i've put the kybash on quickly. he knows i have a man in my life and am not looking for anyone and honestly, the flirting is harmless. but i still think it's kinda sorta neat that he picked me. personally i think he's just a free spirit, artistic soul who likes to play around. it's harmless but flattering.
so what is beauty? in my eyes it doesn't have an enormous amount to do with how someone looks. there needs to be a certain level of attraction for there to be a sexual interest but it's never been the driving factor in my relationships. and fyi...switch might just look like a skinny guy but the man is pure muscle, no body fat and he's got a rockin ass body! i appreciate it so very much. please and thank you but it is not what i find most attractive about him. it's who he is as a human being. an outstanding, humble, brilliant, hard working, good man.
my definition of beauty is fairly simple. you have to be who you are on the inside for it to show on the outside. when i let go of my preconceived notions of myself, when i forget that i have a round belly and stretch marks and cellulite to boot, when i put those insecurities away and just embrace who i am, fat rolls and all, i feel liberated and it shows. this resurgence of attention is not going unnoticed. it's flattering, it's a boost to the old broad self esteem. it's a reminder that i'm beautiful by just being myself. that seems to be the formula for me.
fuck that mask and give me a heaping helping of good old fashioned heart and soul instead. that's where my beauty lies. glad to know someone else sees it too.
6th grade angst....with add-a-beads to boot!
as an adult though, it holds a different connotation for me. i've never thought of myself as someone who is beautiful in the traditional sense. take for instance the archetype of beauty. some say there is a scientific formula for such beauty. a mask of linear proportion that defines true physical beauty. the standard is the marquardt mask. superimposed upon a photograph you can see the symmetry and lines that supposedly define a beautiful face. i've downloaded it before, looked at it, but refuse to layer it as a mask over my photograph. i just won't do it because frankly, i don't believe in it.
so why all of a sudden do i have men knocking on the door? now i am in crazy mad love with switch and i think it's pretty safe to say that he feels the same way about me. so it's not like i'm going out and looking for suitors. perhaps i flirt more than i have in the past though. being loved and loving someone gives you an incredible amount of confidence in the real world. love bubbles have a way of doing that to a girl. swoon.
there are two men in particular, one of whom i work with and the other is an ex who makes gestures and innuendo despite the fact that he's married. the ex is tough to handle since he's such a close friend and yet he is going through some major life changes. i think his attraction to me is one of nostalgia. wanting to go back in time and be young and free again. he knows it, i know it, i have to reel him back in every now and then. he hasn't been inappropriate in his actions but instead suggestive flirting. i'm not threatened but still find it odd that he finds me sexually interesting after all these years. those boys and their dicks. i swear. the man at work is someone i've just gotten to know and i have to say, he's as sweet as they get. he's attractive, he's smart and funny, he's an enormous flirt and he's made a few advances that i've put the kybash on quickly. he knows i have a man in my life and am not looking for anyone and honestly, the flirting is harmless. but i still think it's kinda sorta neat that he picked me. personally i think he's just a free spirit, artistic soul who likes to play around. it's harmless but flattering.
so what is beauty? in my eyes it doesn't have an enormous amount to do with how someone looks. there needs to be a certain level of attraction for there to be a sexual interest but it's never been the driving factor in my relationships. and fyi...switch might just look like a skinny guy but the man is pure muscle, no body fat and he's got a rockin ass body! i appreciate it so very much. please and thank you but it is not what i find most attractive about him. it's who he is as a human being. an outstanding, humble, brilliant, hard working, good man.
my definition of beauty is fairly simple. you have to be who you are on the inside for it to show on the outside. when i let go of my preconceived notions of myself, when i forget that i have a round belly and stretch marks and cellulite to boot, when i put those insecurities away and just embrace who i am, fat rolls and all, i feel liberated and it shows. this resurgence of attention is not going unnoticed. it's flattering, it's a boost to the old broad self esteem. it's a reminder that i'm beautiful by just being myself. that seems to be the formula for me.
fuck that mask and give me a heaping helping of good old fashioned heart and soul instead. that's where my beauty lies. glad to know someone else sees it too.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Puzzle Pieces
I hate tough questions. No, not the “What’s the capital of Nebraska?” questions…and please, refrain from showing off if you know the answer. I could make a guess and it might be right but frankly, this Florida girl probably doesn’t remember that chapter of geography class.
I’m talking about the questions we took for granted as children. Namely the “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Simple. Easy. Clear. It was one that we all likely answered time and time again and I would venture to guess that I wasn’t the only one who had a different answer nearly every time it was asked. I remember wanting to be an artist, a prima ballerina, an auto mechanic, a musician, a geologist and an architect. Ambitious, scattered, not at all cohesive as far as a vision goes but it came from my gut. It was the truth. They were all simple, honest, truthful answers to a simple, straightforward question about what I wanted to “do” in my life.
Where along the way did it go from being an easy question to one without an answer? Does it have an answer? What if the answer isn’t what you “think” it should be? As an adult it takes on a new meaning. The reason this discussion came up…and by discussion I mean the one I have with myself on a daily basis…was because I posed a question. The question being for advice in my pursuit of a career in graphic design, specifically what do I need to accomplish in my portfolio to gain attention.
I reached out to three people, all whom I trust and respect. One is my aunt who is a very successful artist and art director. The next is a dear friend who is a designer who specializes in web design and works for a local agency. The final is an old/new friend that I will simply call “chedddar”. Old in that I know him from when I was in middle and high school. New because, thanks to social media, we have reconnected. He’s a culmination of artist, business man, mogul, entrepreneur, you name it, he’s got it.
I received feedback from two of the three people and it was incredibly helpful. But “cheddar” is the only one who asked me a question before giving advice. What is it exactly that I want to do? Where do I see myself going in this “industry” of design and production? Um, Yeah, Um, Wow. This should be an easy thing to answer. I want to design and create. That’s a given. But how will I make it work? Where do I fit into the industry that I have wanted for so long? After all, I did go to college for just that…graphic design.
For weeks now I have been pondering, wondering how I would answer these questions. Who is it that I see myself being over the next few years? What does it look like and where does it take me? I’ve thought long and hard, reaching out to friends and family and looking at their vision of themselves. Looking at myself and where I am right now. What tools do I have and how can I make them work for me. What is the bottom line and how do I define it in a clear logical way…and by logical I mean in any way other than the one I’ve just written here. Geesh, somebody shut me the hell up already.
Finally I’ve come to the realization that I don’t know exactly what I want or who I see myself being in the long run, or even tomorrow for that matter. What I am certain of is that I have something to give creatively. It’s always been a struggle for me to define that creativity, generally living in the day to day creative process in some form or medium but never going in one direction. Scattered is an understatement when I think of ways to describe myself.
I think it’s time to pick up these scattered pieces and put them in the puzzle where they belong. I would normally start with the straight edges and corners first to frame things out but I don’t have any of those pieces. Guess I just have to jump right in the middle then!
I’m talking about the questions we took for granted as children. Namely the “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Simple. Easy. Clear. It was one that we all likely answered time and time again and I would venture to guess that I wasn’t the only one who had a different answer nearly every time it was asked. I remember wanting to be an artist, a prima ballerina, an auto mechanic, a musician, a geologist and an architect. Ambitious, scattered, not at all cohesive as far as a vision goes but it came from my gut. It was the truth. They were all simple, honest, truthful answers to a simple, straightforward question about what I wanted to “do” in my life.
Where along the way did it go from being an easy question to one without an answer? Does it have an answer? What if the answer isn’t what you “think” it should be? As an adult it takes on a new meaning. The reason this discussion came up…and by discussion I mean the one I have with myself on a daily basis…was because I posed a question. The question being for advice in my pursuit of a career in graphic design, specifically what do I need to accomplish in my portfolio to gain attention.
I reached out to three people, all whom I trust and respect. One is my aunt who is a very successful artist and art director. The next is a dear friend who is a designer who specializes in web design and works for a local agency. The final is an old/new friend that I will simply call “chedddar”. Old in that I know him from when I was in middle and high school. New because, thanks to social media, we have reconnected. He’s a culmination of artist, business man, mogul, entrepreneur, you name it, he’s got it.
I received feedback from two of the three people and it was incredibly helpful. But “cheddar” is the only one who asked me a question before giving advice. What is it exactly that I want to do? Where do I see myself going in this “industry” of design and production? Um, Yeah, Um, Wow. This should be an easy thing to answer. I want to design and create. That’s a given. But how will I make it work? Where do I fit into the industry that I have wanted for so long? After all, I did go to college for just that…graphic design.
For weeks now I have been pondering, wondering how I would answer these questions. Who is it that I see myself being over the next few years? What does it look like and where does it take me? I’ve thought long and hard, reaching out to friends and family and looking at their vision of themselves. Looking at myself and where I am right now. What tools do I have and how can I make them work for me. What is the bottom line and how do I define it in a clear logical way…and by logical I mean in any way other than the one I’ve just written here. Geesh, somebody shut me the hell up already.
Finally I’ve come to the realization that I don’t know exactly what I want or who I see myself being in the long run, or even tomorrow for that matter. What I am certain of is that I have something to give creatively. It’s always been a struggle for me to define that creativity, generally living in the day to day creative process in some form or medium but never going in one direction. Scattered is an understatement when I think of ways to describe myself.
I think it’s time to pick up these scattered pieces and put them in the puzzle where they belong. I would normally start with the straight edges and corners first to frame things out but I don’t have any of those pieces. Guess I just have to jump right in the middle then!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
party hat time!
that's right. get out your best party hats bitches! i'm deep in the throws of a pity party. it's time to get out the little tiny violins and let everyone play sweet little songs of sorrow for me. yeah, it's just that pathetic. but i'm not blogging to get sympathy or for any kudos, atta-girls or you'll be fine's. i just have to get the self loathing out in some way. poorly written, absolutely. pathetic, given. real, honest, truthful self hatred. let the vomiting of self critical loathing begin.
i hate myself. i hate the way i look, the way i feel, i hate my ability to eat mass quantities of shit (it's a gift), i hate that after i eat i still make myself vomit sometimes. i hate my lack of organization. i have no decision making skills, i'm irresponsible with time and money, i'm irresponsible with my body (in that i care nothing for it), i hate that my daughter got up in front of her entire 4th grade class today and didn't get more accolades for her hard work. why? because it's a direct reflection of my unwillingness to spend additional time with her studying, doing the working hard. i'm not a hard worker. i'm lazy. i'm a lazy, fucking, lazy messy, fat ass. that's it. i'm a loser and i have no idea what direction i'm taking in my life. i have a part time job as a shop girl, i dropped out of college too soon, i had a career in finance (of all things), i failed at marriage, i fail at parenting from time to time. i define the epitome of a midlife crisis. ack! i'm coming unhinged with the negative thoughts..
i'm a bad mom. i don't follow through on things. i let people down. i let myself down. i let my kids down. i don't take them outside enough. the house is always in a state of disarray. i don't do laundry, i forget to take out the garbage, i ignore my kids and when i don't ignore them, i yell at them too much. i get annoyed by little things, i forget to take my meds and become a delusional mess (yep, forgot them yesterday), i'm a dumbass, i rarely read anymore, i spend too much time on facebook, i eat too much ice cream, i can't stop myself from eating. no self control, no self confidence. i am nothing and i feel everything. it's reaching critical mass of alienation and hatred over here and i can't find one iota of reason. there are days when i want to stay in bed all day and all night and never wake up. really. i know i'm not alone in self loathing. i also know this is harsh and poorly written and totally illogical. i am also acutely aware that this is not the reality. i am trying hard to believe that i am worthy of my life but there are days when nothing feels right or good or real or fair or enough.
but what i can't stand about the self loathing part of me is that it is always there. a reminder that i'm not enough, i don't have enough within me and that i will never be enough. for me, i don't feel that i will ever be whole or positive about myself. i feel like the negatives outweigh the positives. time and time again i'm told about the positive impact i have in other people's lives. and trust me on this one, that is not bragging. i hate it. i hate it when people tell me that something i've said or done or a way in which i have acted has brightened their day or made them feel special. why? because i'm a self centered boob. it makes me uncomfortable and i feel an incredible sense of masquerading as someone or something that i will never be. or that i was never meant to be.
example: i was sick a few weeks ago. really sick to my stomach. without so much as a glance or a word in his direction, justin got up and made coffee, a complete breakfast and tended to me as i fell in and out of sleep. he even jumped in the car and got me powerade which he was just sure would make me feel better. i doubted it but he was right, definitely helped. i thanked him over and over again. he simply stated that it was the least he could do since i do so much for him. i felt like my skin was crawling. granted, i do stick my neck out for him here and there. i love him in a way i didn't know was possible but it is never something for which i want accolades. here was this incredible man taking care of me. he didn't have to do that. more importantly, i didn't deserve it. i truly didn't believe that i deserved it and still question that feeling of being uncomfortable with the care.
probably the biggest mystery for me is how i got to this point. where in my life experiences did i set in motion the cycle of self hatred. i hate every part of myself sometimes and can't find one damn thing to like about me (see above). but where is it so deeply rooted that no matter how much i open up my life to good things, no matter what strides i make or turns i take in the road, it all comes back to me hating me.
perhaps it's the expectation i have of myself. if i continue to fail or feel like a failure or label myself as a failure, no one will expect anything more than a failure. maybe it goes back to childhood and never feeling like i fit the mold, which i obviously still don't. or maybe it's just that there is safety in the self hatred. i can't remember a time when i didn't feel just a twinge of it. even during my very highest highs, i feel a little lost. i feel as though someone else should be reeling in the joy. that i deserve to be what i have turned into physically. that i deserve to be unattractive, to have layers of fat over muscle, the have more flesh than i need, to be sloth like and unmotivated. there is safety there. i'm untouchable, unlovable, unattractive and unworthy.
only problem is that it doesn't work that way. i am loved, i am touched, i am surprisingly still found attractive by a slim margin of males. but i can't figure out how to be worthy. when you aren't worthy to yourself, how are you worthy of others. how and when and where does the cycle break!
fuck, it really is a bad day. let the party continue!
i hate myself. i hate the way i look, the way i feel, i hate my ability to eat mass quantities of shit (it's a gift), i hate that after i eat i still make myself vomit sometimes. i hate my lack of organization. i have no decision making skills, i'm irresponsible with time and money, i'm irresponsible with my body (in that i care nothing for it), i hate that my daughter got up in front of her entire 4th grade class today and didn't get more accolades for her hard work. why? because it's a direct reflection of my unwillingness to spend additional time with her studying, doing the working hard. i'm not a hard worker. i'm lazy. i'm a lazy, fucking, lazy messy, fat ass. that's it. i'm a loser and i have no idea what direction i'm taking in my life. i have a part time job as a shop girl, i dropped out of college too soon, i had a career in finance (of all things), i failed at marriage, i fail at parenting from time to time. i define the epitome of a midlife crisis. ack! i'm coming unhinged with the negative thoughts..
i'm a bad mom. i don't follow through on things. i let people down. i let myself down. i let my kids down. i don't take them outside enough. the house is always in a state of disarray. i don't do laundry, i forget to take out the garbage, i ignore my kids and when i don't ignore them, i yell at them too much. i get annoyed by little things, i forget to take my meds and become a delusional mess (yep, forgot them yesterday), i'm a dumbass, i rarely read anymore, i spend too much time on facebook, i eat too much ice cream, i can't stop myself from eating. no self control, no self confidence. i am nothing and i feel everything. it's reaching critical mass of alienation and hatred over here and i can't find one iota of reason. there are days when i want to stay in bed all day and all night and never wake up. really. i know i'm not alone in self loathing. i also know this is harsh and poorly written and totally illogical. i am also acutely aware that this is not the reality. i am trying hard to believe that i am worthy of my life but there are days when nothing feels right or good or real or fair or enough.
but what i can't stand about the self loathing part of me is that it is always there. a reminder that i'm not enough, i don't have enough within me and that i will never be enough. for me, i don't feel that i will ever be whole or positive about myself. i feel like the negatives outweigh the positives. time and time again i'm told about the positive impact i have in other people's lives. and trust me on this one, that is not bragging. i hate it. i hate it when people tell me that something i've said or done or a way in which i have acted has brightened their day or made them feel special. why? because i'm a self centered boob. it makes me uncomfortable and i feel an incredible sense of masquerading as someone or something that i will never be. or that i was never meant to be.
example: i was sick a few weeks ago. really sick to my stomach. without so much as a glance or a word in his direction, justin got up and made coffee, a complete breakfast and tended to me as i fell in and out of sleep. he even jumped in the car and got me powerade which he was just sure would make me feel better. i doubted it but he was right, definitely helped. i thanked him over and over again. he simply stated that it was the least he could do since i do so much for him. i felt like my skin was crawling. granted, i do stick my neck out for him here and there. i love him in a way i didn't know was possible but it is never something for which i want accolades. here was this incredible man taking care of me. he didn't have to do that. more importantly, i didn't deserve it. i truly didn't believe that i deserved it and still question that feeling of being uncomfortable with the care.
probably the biggest mystery for me is how i got to this point. where in my life experiences did i set in motion the cycle of self hatred. i hate every part of myself sometimes and can't find one damn thing to like about me (see above). but where is it so deeply rooted that no matter how much i open up my life to good things, no matter what strides i make or turns i take in the road, it all comes back to me hating me.
perhaps it's the expectation i have of myself. if i continue to fail or feel like a failure or label myself as a failure, no one will expect anything more than a failure. maybe it goes back to childhood and never feeling like i fit the mold, which i obviously still don't. or maybe it's just that there is safety in the self hatred. i can't remember a time when i didn't feel just a twinge of it. even during my very highest highs, i feel a little lost. i feel as though someone else should be reeling in the joy. that i deserve to be what i have turned into physically. that i deserve to be unattractive, to have layers of fat over muscle, the have more flesh than i need, to be sloth like and unmotivated. there is safety there. i'm untouchable, unlovable, unattractive and unworthy.
only problem is that it doesn't work that way. i am loved, i am touched, i am surprisingly still found attractive by a slim margin of males. but i can't figure out how to be worthy. when you aren't worthy to yourself, how are you worthy of others. how and when and where does the cycle break!
fuck, it really is a bad day. let the party continue!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
the "g" word
it's a slippery slope and a total rule breaker but i'm gonna blog about it anyway. since when did i start following rules anyway? hello?
so i'm gonna talk about it. god. religion. higher power. the big jc. allah. buddha. you can believe that william shatner is in charge if you like. it doesn't matter to me what you want to call it. we all know what i'm talking about. it's the belief in something bigger than what we know as fact. it's a faith in knowing that there's a "reason" or a "purpose" to what is happening or not happening in our lives.
and just so we're clear here...i'm not sure what i call it. it's not the big jc for me necessarily, although i have been baptized in the presbyterian church and do attend with the kids. judaism has appealed to me since i was very young. probably has something to do with the affluent neighborhood kids i grew up around all going to temple. but there's definitely a sensibility and spirituality about their believe system that appeals to me. when i hit my early teens i wanted to read everything i could get my hands on about buddhism and hinduism. but there is one thing that i have never believed fully and that is the option of no higher power. athiesm has never really been an option for me. i've always felt there was some force out there. a karma if you wish. again. not sure what to call it but i feel it so in that i believe. as far as all the other hypocritical bullshit that is constantly pushed down my throat as true "religion", not so much. .
i'm not saying that there is a traditional sense of the big "g" sitting over us in judgment, watching our every move and filling our lives with good things if we are worthy enough. that bullshit kills me! i see suffering that can't be explained. i see gifts bestowed on folks who abuse them. it is illogical to think that if i obey the laws of a god that i will be the recipient of good things. don't get me wrong. one of the things that i believe without a doubt is the golden rule. respect, treat others well. again. comes back to a karmic reaction.
the reason i wanted to write about my understanding or at least my faith in a bigger plan outside of myself, is that lately i've been giving it a lot of thought. i didn't come into this part of my life with a plan. in fact, i've essentially been flying by the seat of my pants for the last two years. no real plan. i just knew that i needed to make a change and take my life back, perhaps for the first time. so here i am. and the amazing thing, the thing that literally takes my breath away and makes me feel dizzy is the fact that my life is so full of good. really fucking good.
i have everything right here. in my life. in my sight. it's all falling into place and i had very little to do with the actual placement. yes, i made the decision to move on and take back my life but the way i have taken it back was not alone. it's been the kindness of a stranger, the support of a friendly word, the glance of a lover saying "you're going to be fine". it hits me like a hard punch sometimes. i can be sitting with the kids and suddenly, boom, out of nowhere i feel overwhelmed with the feeling that things are just the way they need to be. good or bad, they are right. it's all just right.
obviously i don't always feel like i deserve it and the self doubt sinks in but it's becoming less and less. i'm learning how to open myself to the success, to the feeling of being in the right place at the right time. to accepting these "blessings" from my belief in a higher power, whatever that might be. personally, for me, i think my higher power is all around me in the people and places that are a part of my life. i find that strength and that comfort in knowing that there is a purpose for me, even if i don't know what it is right now. there is a path for me that i help pave but which i can't take full credit. no one does it alone.
so i'm gonna talk about it. god. religion. higher power. the big jc. allah. buddha. you can believe that william shatner is in charge if you like. it doesn't matter to me what you want to call it. we all know what i'm talking about. it's the belief in something bigger than what we know as fact. it's a faith in knowing that there's a "reason" or a "purpose" to what is happening or not happening in our lives.
and just so we're clear here...i'm not sure what i call it. it's not the big jc for me necessarily, although i have been baptized in the presbyterian church and do attend with the kids. judaism has appealed to me since i was very young. probably has something to do with the affluent neighborhood kids i grew up around all going to temple. but there's definitely a sensibility and spirituality about their believe system that appeals to me. when i hit my early teens i wanted to read everything i could get my hands on about buddhism and hinduism. but there is one thing that i have never believed fully and that is the option of no higher power. athiesm has never really been an option for me. i've always felt there was some force out there. a karma if you wish. again. not sure what to call it but i feel it so in that i believe. as far as all the other hypocritical bullshit that is constantly pushed down my throat as true "religion", not so much. .
i'm not saying that there is a traditional sense of the big "g" sitting over us in judgment, watching our every move and filling our lives with good things if we are worthy enough. that bullshit kills me! i see suffering that can't be explained. i see gifts bestowed on folks who abuse them. it is illogical to think that if i obey the laws of a god that i will be the recipient of good things. don't get me wrong. one of the things that i believe without a doubt is the golden rule. respect, treat others well. again. comes back to a karmic reaction.
the reason i wanted to write about my understanding or at least my faith in a bigger plan outside of myself, is that lately i've been giving it a lot of thought. i didn't come into this part of my life with a plan. in fact, i've essentially been flying by the seat of my pants for the last two years. no real plan. i just knew that i needed to make a change and take my life back, perhaps for the first time. so here i am. and the amazing thing, the thing that literally takes my breath away and makes me feel dizzy is the fact that my life is so full of good. really fucking good.
i have everything right here. in my life. in my sight. it's all falling into place and i had very little to do with the actual placement. yes, i made the decision to move on and take back my life but the way i have taken it back was not alone. it's been the kindness of a stranger, the support of a friendly word, the glance of a lover saying "you're going to be fine". it hits me like a hard punch sometimes. i can be sitting with the kids and suddenly, boom, out of nowhere i feel overwhelmed with the feeling that things are just the way they need to be. good or bad, they are right. it's all just right.
obviously i don't always feel like i deserve it and the self doubt sinks in but it's becoming less and less. i'm learning how to open myself to the success, to the feeling of being in the right place at the right time. to accepting these "blessings" from my belief in a higher power, whatever that might be. personally, for me, i think my higher power is all around me in the people and places that are a part of my life. i find that strength and that comfort in knowing that there is a purpose for me, even if i don't know what it is right now. there is a path for me that i help pave but which i can't take full credit. no one does it alone.
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