it has come down to this. a friday before a monday. in a few short days i will know one way or another which way to turn. it's all overwhelming to think of and know the consequences are so great. on the other hand i feel prepared and grounded. could say these concrete shoes aren't such a bad idea after all.
it has been three months, three excruciatingly long months, since assface (i have tired of the fucktard monicker so thought about trying out assface) and i sat down with our attorneys and a mediator to try and hammer out a settlement agreement. after 6 hours of what would turn out to be useless negotiations, i walked away. resigning myself to the fact that i would have to move forward and take him before a judge. let a judge decide the fate of our property, our children, our lives. wow, me no likey other people making decisions about my entire life without so much as my input!!!!
i walked away from that meeting not at all disappointed with the outcome but again disappointed with his inability to change. blah blah blah....get the hell over it, e!! did you really expect something else??? long story short, fast forward 3 months later and we are now at a stand still. assface (not sure this name is working yet) made me an offer three months ago with no written agreement. in 3 months time we have been back and forth and back and forth again. this time, he has had an agreement, a final draft after i don't know how many changes, for 2 weeks. 2 entire fucking weeks and he has yet to respond.
i had a real epiphany, big surprise, when i had to let my children go the other night. it was halloween. every year on halloween the kids get dressed up and go trickin and treatin in the neighborhood with other kids and their families. this year turd-knuckle (not sure where this one came from but i kind of like it) had the children for the weekend. so instead of me taking them around the hood, he had the honors. and it is an honor. being able to share that experience with our children is special. more special than i realized. so here i am. i picked them up for about an hour and got them ready in their costumes, took some pictures of them, let them visit with my parents and then it was time to drop them off back at the house. what happened next was unexpected.
i stood in my yard, my grass that i painstakingly care for, surrounded by the overgrown shrubbery that i planted, surrounded by the house that i put so much time and care and love into and it wasn't mine. it just wasn't mine anymore and this place didn't belong to me and i didn't belong to it. it hurt. it hurt deep down in my bones and i suddenly felt overwhelmed with sadness and hurt which translated itself into anger. to make matters worse, i had to leave my children there to take part in something that i enjoyed every damn year. every year i looked forward to halloween and now i had to pull out of my own driveway. it didn't make matters any better that turd-knuckle went out and bought great decorations for the holiday after years of telling me i couldn't do the same. fucker.
that's when it hit me. he has fucked with my life for long enough. i continue to be held by this man's incomprehensible hatred and disgust for me. i could have fucked his brother and still not deserved the abuse that i've received since leaving him. one of my best friends described him as a "dark soul". i had never thought of that term (personally i just like mother fucking piece of shit but dark soul works too) but it truly describes him. he has no joy. he has no happiness or genuine love. he is an empty man with an empty dark soul.
so i decided to put an end to this dragging of feet, holding it over my head. monday is the deadline. and when i say deadline, turd-knuckle has until noon on monday to have the agreement signed and on my attorney's desk. at 12:01 it expires. i won't accept it after that. this is a final chance for him. a chance that will benefit only one person and trust me on this one, he doesn't deserve it. he doesn't deserve this one last chance. one way or another monday is when i wash my hands of this debacle. it's also the day that the gloves come off for good.
somehow though i think i may be the only one who hears the timer. even i have a limit.
