april 27th...the edge

the edge
Current mood:just plain shitty

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It is rare that I am reluctant about writing a blog. I am, after all, pretty fearless when it comes to revealing myself in this blogosphere. Tonight, however, I’m reluctant. As the great and powerful "gonzo" once said "the edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over." Here's the edge folks...and I stand toppling quickly.

I don't want to talk about this ugly little thing called divorce. But by god, the fucking thing won't leave me the hell alone. It's annoying having to spend my time engaged in such a volatile subject since I have so many other joys in my life that make me a very happy, very full person. But I have to stick to my guns and continue to feel what I feel and deal with things as they come. It's one thing to be involved for so many years with a man who not only disrespects you but treats you as if your very being is tragically flawed but it's entirely another to walk away unscathed. I am not unscathed. In fact, I may have some scars that resonate so deeply that I have yet to uncover them. Great. Fucking great.

And just when I found the courage to walk away, or in my case the courage found me, I am reminded of this tight collar around my neck.  Wait a second...I want to leave. Cut this fucking collar off of me right now! I made the decision and that was it right? Let me tell you something. Not only is the collar tight, but the leash is short. Similar to a dog in the yard. you give him his freedom to run the perimeter but you have a trick up your sleeve. The metal stake in the yard that tethers him to a confined yet free space. It's all an illusion. Here, let me unchain you to roam freely but then I’ll take it back whenever I feel you don’t deserve it anymore. The taste of freedom but then some dick-hole kibosh's the whole damn thing and you are bound again. 

The last two weeks have been filled with many turning points for me. I spent my first Easter Sunday without my children, I have made some big ball decisions regarding my future and I even managed to take a trip to Vegas with my badass boyfriend. But the big milestone for me was taking fucktard to court.  I took fucktard him to court in order to prove my monetary worth since he has decided that my allowance should be less than my overall living expenses. And by less I mean not enough to put food on the table for three people, two of whom are his children. I digress. I’m fucking mad. So I take him to court, Judge Magistrate sides with me in a temporary needs petition (means that I will be receiving a monthly amount from him while the divorce progresses) and I am awarded a hefty monthly stipend. I feel victorious. Wait, that was too easy....there must be a catch. Oh yes, there it is. He has decided to appeal the fucking decision. That’s right. Appeal it. And you know what? He’s doing it for one reason and one reason only. Control.....

He never really had control over me but for most of our marriage, it certainly appeared that way. The way he sees it, if I can put on my fucktard spectacles, is that I have taken away his children, questioned his abilities, want to take all of his money, kick him out of his own house, tarnished his very manhood, run off with another man and now for me to stand up to him and demand he give me money so I can live away from his sorry ass? Well folks, that was his edge and he has gone over it. His life revolves around his monetary worth. We all have a price tag and to him and I am a bargain basement clearance item because of my dents and scratches. Mind you most of those are because of his constant belittling and emotional abuse but god forbid he take responsibility for causing those scars. See, told you I needed to vent. Fucker. ....

So instead of relishing in my freedom today, I feel trapped. Trapped by a man who wants nothing more than to trap me, punish me and make me pay. My mother and I were talking about his behavior and she pointed out that I indeed was victorious in “cutting the head off the dragon” by the ruling in my favor. However, I didn’t read the fine print in my dragon manual which states that “when you cut off its head, it does not die. It grows back 2 heads that are far more angry and vengeful than the last.” ....

I remind myself everyday that this too shall pass and in a year from now I will look back and realize that I have done my best. That I should be able to rest my head at night knowing that I am the bigger person and that I took the high road and chose not to be spiteful and give in to the hate and seething that invades my heart. But I’m here to tell you right now that I am teetering on the edge. With all due respect to Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, I do not want to be one of those people who can tell you what it's like to go over the edge. Somebody tie a rope around my waste and pull me back in.  ....

april 26th...tales from the desert

tales from the desert
Current mood:  cheerful

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Vegas. Las-fucking-Vegas. What can you say about the damn desert oasis? Better question, what can’t you say about it? I’ve been trying to answer that question this week and I’m stumped.

My efforts have been fruitless in trying to write about my trip to Las Vegas with Switch. Nothing seems to be working well or capturing just how relaxing and exhilarating it was for me. So instead I am listing ten things I did in Vegas. No real rhyme or reason here because I could go on and on talking about what a great time we had but instead, here goes nothing….

Ten things I did in Vegas (no particular order)

10 – Went to the NHRA drag races at Las Vegas Motor Speedway which included really loud, really fast cars, plenty of beer and an incredible view of the desert. We even sat and talked with a peyote loving Californian who came over on his bike and was infatuated with one of the female dragsters. A very amusing fellow, to say the least. He's not a bad photographer though. Got a good shot of us together.

9 - Saw a chunky monkey Elvis in a red jumpsuit (think he had a camel toe) which made me second guess my idea of getting married in Vegas with Elvis presiding but I’m still holding out hope for that bacon tower. Mmmmmm….bacon. I had it for breakfast one morning and I have to say, it tastes better in Vegas. For reals. Now where was I…..

8 - Went to a killer rock show put on by Them Crooked Vultures. If you aren’t familiar, the super group members include Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age on vocals and geeetar (sexy as hell in person), his grohliness, the one, the only Dave the man of my dreams Grohl on the drums (heavy sigh) and rounding it out on bass was John Paul FUCKING Jones of Led FUCKING Zeppelin. You heard me. John Paul Fucking Jones. Holy shit….it was Rock N Roll Mecca.

7- Went to the shark exhibit at Mandalay Bay and saw fish I didn’t even know existed, some incredible jelly fish and lots and lots of sharks swimming over and under foot in a glass exhibit. Have to say I was excited to go see this but it far exceeded my expectations of coolness. Oh and we had a guy on his bachelor party who had probably been drunk for a week following us around for part of the tour while I nursed a wicked hangover. He got this shot of us but again....wicked hangover. Hair of the dog cured this one.

6 – One night we went to an Irish Pub, Vegas style of course, and we got lit. We managed to drink a few rounds of good beer, talk a bartender into saving our seats so we could go into the casino to smoke (Switch, not me) and upon returning found 2 guys sitting in our seats. The bartender told them they had to get up, that we had a tab and that he promised to save our seats. At this point one of the guys was on crutches but we had no mercy. We kicked him out anyway, sat down for another round and laughed about the fact that we just kicked a crippled guy out of our seats and didn’t give a flying fuck. It was classic!

5 – Hotel sex. Come on now, who doesn’t enjoy hotel sex? Seems that when you walk through that door and put out the do not disturb sign you leave your inhibitions on the other side.  Hot, heavy, satisfying, fun hotel sex. Lots of it.

4 – Fine dining at Wolfgang Pucks restaurant. It was surprisingly romantic and I kept looking across the table and thinking about how lucky I was to be loved by such a wonderful man. At which point Switch decided it was a good time to do his best Beavis and Butthead “Cornholio” impression. The guy sure knows how to make a woman feel special. I love the crazy bastard. 

3 – Took a helicopter ride at night over the bright lights of the Las Vegas strip. We got to sit in the front of the chopper and take in a panoramic aerial view of the city. The night was perfect with not a cloud in the sky and a fantastic 15 minute trip that was worth every last dime. It was spectacular.

2 – Gambled a whopping $2 at the slot machines right before leaving. I won 5 cents and I believe Switch came in at a grand total of 20 cents. Good souvenirs but I don’t think either of us are too into the gambling aspect at this point. But it really is fascinating and quite disturbing to leave your hotel room at 6am and see middle aged woman in tacky sweaters drinking shmalcoholic beverages, chain smoking and playing the slots over and over and over.

1 – Realized that he really does love me, that he isn’t running away, that I can’t scare him away and that my future is not only with him but within him. It solidified what I have known for some time. He is the love I’ve been looking for all my life, just didn’t look in the right spots.

I could continue on with the late night drive to Atlanta, the visit with his amazing brother and his wife (both of whom i really enjoyed), the copious amounts of beer and vodka tonics we consumed, the flights, the laughing, the talking, the crying (done on my part out of pure joy), the drive home where we talked for 6 hours; all of it was just an overload of sights, sounds, joy, walking, talking and love sweet love. I have traveled with Switch by car and by air and I have to say, I think I love him even more because of it.

The only things we seemed to miss was playing blackjack (gonna do that next time), getting tattoos, hitting a strip club, drinking those ridiculously large frozen drinks out of 3 foot straws and exchanging wedding vows. Couldn't do the latter since he left his Elvis jumpsuit at home and I didn't have a red dress packed. Shucks :) Maybe someday, maybe never, but one way or another, there is always more to do in Vegas, bigger in Vegas, louder in Vegas and I couldn’t have asked for a better person to share it with than my own personal cornholio.

Next stop, no idea but I guaran-damn-tee you that it will be a hell of a good time. 

some of the shark exhibit and switch being, well, himself. my favorite picture of him by far!











at the races. my god it was pure adrenalin, loud and a ton of fun.







some of the strip during the day and at dusk. it's excessive and overwhelming, yet i was drawn to it. go figure. this hippy enjoyed a little of the excess. still prefer something a little less concrete-ish but still, this was fucking cool.

 



the brew brothers. his little brother makes serious fucking home brew and tells some great stories. think we were up until 3 that night but it was a blast catching up. yep, i can dig this family.



and i just love this picture of him after the races. makes me happy to see that big smile on his face.

april 14th...sprinkling of poetry

sprinkling of poetry
Current mood:  blissful

this is not so much a real blog as it is just a sprinkling of goodness.

i was catching up with an old friend last night on the phone. i told her about my feelings for switch and how things seem unusually comfortable and safe with him. it's like he knows what and how to say (or not say) exactly what i need to hear and makes me feel as if i am perfectly flawed just the way i am. i'm such a smutzy romantic these days. anywhooo....we continued our telephone conversation for a while and this morning i received an email from her telling me how good it was to catch up, yada yada. she said our conversation reminded her of something she once read so she sent it to me. it speaks in ways i can't. i am very artistically inclined but a writer, not so much. but this, i just love it and had to share!!!!


Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away . --George Eliot

april 7th...ready to join the club?

ready to join the club?
Current mood:  flirty

i am preparing to take my first airline adventure with my boyfriend. i do love calling him my boyfriend. boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend! and while i've been thinking about our roughly 4 hour flight to our destination, the mile high club comes to mind. i know. will i ever go a day without thinking about carnal pleasures...not likely

so if you ever wanted to know, here's a little instructional video. glad i got our seats at the back of the plane near the "loo". i'll let you know if i get my wings.

http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-join-the-mile-high-club?restricted=anonymous 

april 3rd...all because of a tent

all because of a tent
Current mood:  accomplished 

 

today was another saturday down at the arts market. i was there selling my photography and getting my name out and about in this little big town. so far, i've done pretty well monetarily but the biggest reward is knowing that i'm doing something i love, taking a risk and seeing what happens. this business i started in march has taken off and i feel the twinges of familiarity. the pricing, the presentation, the customer questions and special requests, setup, breakdown, selling, marketing. it's all becoming comfortable and i'm enjoying this new found confidence.

but the one thing that i haven't ventured to tackle all alone is the setup and breakdown of the arts market tent and display. the first week out my wonderful pappy helped setup this heavy steel framed 10 x 10 canopy. that in and of itself was enough to make both of us thirsty for a tasty brew at 9am. the next week he was there again. loyally getting up on a saturday morning, showered and dressed for pickup at 8am (and with a hangover no less...seems he and mama bear tied one on the night before!). again we were a team and got the canopy up and ready. damn my dad is cool!

this week, however, i was all alone in a paved parking lot/market with pros all around me. i was the lone ranger of tent setup. and i had my work cut out for me. not only was i doing this for the first time with no help, i was rearranging and adding heavy metal gridwalls and s-hooks to kick my display up to the next level. great time to try something new and incredibly heavy but i've never been the practical type. now if you had told me a year ago that i would be faced with this task on my own with no backup in sight, there are a number of ways i could have reacted.

a. had a full on panic attack followed by a fit of crying and beating myself up over being inadequate (told you fucktard did a number on me).

b. taken it out on somebody else by either screaming or not talking to them at all (note that this would have been in the general vicinity of fucktard because, well, he's fucktard).

c. eaten my way from here to arkansas via large quantities of cheetos....mmmmmm cheetos!

d. all of the above

if you chose (d) you would be correct. without a doubt! i did not believe for a minute that i could do anything on my own. i did not believe that i was the strong capable woman that i am right now. and it's not one thing in particular that has changed. it's everything! i believe it comes from a pleathera of sources. namely the people around me. i have chosen a different path. a better path. a hell of a fun path so far. i sound like a broken record but my gratitude is genuine and plentiful. i am indeed loved.

back to the setup.

i parked my honkin suv, unloaded all the heavy items and began the tent process. i suppose i am stronger than i look so i wasn't scared of the weight, just the shear volume of things to get done! i pulled out the steel framing, set about turning the spider of a contraption into a canopy and next thing you know, i was done. granted, my muscles are achy, i have a nice new shiner of a bruise on my inner knee and likely pulled my right shoulder while lifting the gridwalls. but i fucking did it. ME! I DID THE WHOLE FUCKING THING MYSELF!!! bungy cords were flying, zip ties were tightened, pvc weights secured, artwork hung and all systems go.

it was late morning before i finally gave myself permission to sit down and admire my handiwork. the rest of the day i spent coming and going, talking to customers and other vendors, snapping pictures of other artists work, enjoying the fresh air and the spring weather that graces florida right now. but the majority of the day was spent in quiet contemplation. sketching, thinking, reflecting. thinking of how far i have come, where i'm heading, who is taking the journey with me and how proud i was of my efforts thus far. i'm taking this fucking bull (my life) by the horns and riding it like a pony. who knew i had it in me all along. giddy-up!

now that i know i can put up the tent on my own, i feel accomplished. like i crossed a threshold of independence. however, i'm not sure that i want to do it again anytime soon. i really hope pops will be back out there with me next week. i'm fucking exhausted!!!