Current mood:just plain shitty
..............
He never really had control over me but for most of our marriage, it certainly appeared that way. The way he sees it, if I can put on my fucktard spectacles, is that I have taken away his children, questioned his abilities, want to take all of his money, kick him out of his own house, tarnished his very manhood, run off with another man and now for me to stand up to him and demand he give me money so I can live away from his sorry ass? Well folks, that was his edge and he has gone over it. His life revolves around his monetary worth. We all have a price tag and to him and I am a bargain basement clearance item because of my dents and scratches. Mind you most of those are because of his constant belittling and emotional abuse but god forbid he take responsibility for causing those scars. See, told you I needed to vent. Fucker. ....
It is rare that I am reluctant about writing a blog. I am, after all, pretty fearless when it comes to revealing myself in this blogosphere. Tonight, however, I’m reluctant. As the great and powerful "gonzo" once said "the edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over." Here's the edge folks...and I stand toppling quickly.
I don't want to talk about this ugly little thing called divorce. But by god, the fucking thing won't leave me the hell alone. It's annoying having to spend my time engaged in such a volatile subject since I have so many other joys in my life that make me a very happy, very full person. But I have to stick to my guns and continue to feel what I feel and deal with things as they come. It's one thing to be involved for so many years with a man who not only disrespects you but treats you as if your very being is tragically flawed but it's entirely another to walk away unscathed. I am not unscathed. In fact, I may have some scars that resonate so deeply that I have yet to uncover them. Great. Fucking great.
And just when I found the courage to walk away, or in my case the courage found me, I am reminded of this tight collar around my neck. Wait a second...I want to leave. Cut this fucking collar off of me right now! I made the decision and that was it right? Let me tell you something. Not only is the collar tight, but the leash is short. Similar to a dog in the yard. you give him his freedom to run the perimeter but you have a trick up your sleeve. The metal stake in the yard that tethers him to a confined yet free space. It's all an illusion. Here, let me unchain you to roam freely but then I’ll take it back whenever I feel you don’t deserve it anymore. The taste of freedom but then some dick-hole kibosh's the whole damn thing and you are bound again.
The last two weeks have been filled with many turning points for me. I spent my first Easter Sunday without my children, I have made some big ball decisions regarding my future and I even managed to take a trip to Vegas with my badass boyfriend. But the big milestone for me was taking fucktard to court. I took fucktard him to court in order to prove my monetary worth since he has decided that my allowance should be less than my overall living expenses. And by less I mean not enough to put food on the table for three people, two of whom are his children. I digress. I’m fucking mad. So I take him to court, Judge Magistrate sides with me in a temporary needs petition (means that I will be receiving a monthly amount from him while the divorce progresses) and I am awarded a hefty monthly stipend. I feel victorious. Wait, that was too easy....there must be a catch. Oh yes, there it is. He has decided to appeal the fucking decision. That’s right. Appeal it. And you know what? He’s doing it for one reason and one reason only. Control.....
I don't want to talk about this ugly little thing called divorce. But by god, the fucking thing won't leave me the hell alone. It's annoying having to spend my time engaged in such a volatile subject since I have so many other joys in my life that make me a very happy, very full person. But I have to stick to my guns and continue to feel what I feel and deal with things as they come. It's one thing to be involved for so many years with a man who not only disrespects you but treats you as if your very being is tragically flawed but it's entirely another to walk away unscathed. I am not unscathed. In fact, I may have some scars that resonate so deeply that I have yet to uncover them. Great. Fucking great.
And just when I found the courage to walk away, or in my case the courage found me, I am reminded of this tight collar around my neck. Wait a second...I want to leave. Cut this fucking collar off of me right now! I made the decision and that was it right? Let me tell you something. Not only is the collar tight, but the leash is short. Similar to a dog in the yard. you give him his freedom to run the perimeter but you have a trick up your sleeve. The metal stake in the yard that tethers him to a confined yet free space. It's all an illusion. Here, let me unchain you to roam freely but then I’ll take it back whenever I feel you don’t deserve it anymore. The taste of freedom but then some dick-hole kibosh's the whole damn thing and you are bound again.
The last two weeks have been filled with many turning points for me. I spent my first Easter Sunday without my children, I have made some big ball decisions regarding my future and I even managed to take a trip to Vegas with my badass boyfriend. But the big milestone for me was taking fucktard to court. I took fucktard him to court in order to prove my monetary worth since he has decided that my allowance should be less than my overall living expenses. And by less I mean not enough to put food on the table for three people, two of whom are his children. I digress. I’m fucking mad. So I take him to court, Judge Magistrate sides with me in a temporary needs petition (means that I will be receiving a monthly amount from him while the divorce progresses) and I am awarded a hefty monthly stipend. I feel victorious. Wait, that was too easy....there must be a catch. Oh yes, there it is. He has decided to appeal the fucking decision. That’s right. Appeal it. And you know what? He’s doing it for one reason and one reason only. Control.....
He never really had control over me but for most of our marriage, it certainly appeared that way. The way he sees it, if I can put on my fucktard spectacles, is that I have taken away his children, questioned his abilities, want to take all of his money, kick him out of his own house, tarnished his very manhood, run off with another man and now for me to stand up to him and demand he give me money so I can live away from his sorry ass? Well folks, that was his edge and he has gone over it. His life revolves around his monetary worth. We all have a price tag and to him and I am a bargain basement clearance item because of my dents and scratches. Mind you most of those are because of his constant belittling and emotional abuse but god forbid he take responsibility for causing those scars. See, told you I needed to vent. Fucker. ....
So instead of relishing in my freedom today, I feel trapped. Trapped by a man who wants nothing more than to trap me, punish me and make me pay. My mother and I were talking about his behavior and she pointed out that I indeed was victorious in “cutting the head off the dragon” by the ruling in my favor. However, I didn’t read the fine print in my dragon manual which states that “when you cut off its head, it does not die. It grows back 2 heads that are far more angry and vengeful than the last.” ....
I remind myself everyday that this too shall pass and in a year from now I will look back and realize that I have done my best. That I should be able to rest my head at night knowing that I am the bigger person and that I took the high road and chose not to be spiteful and give in to the hate and seething that invades my heart. But I’m here to tell you right now that I am teetering on the edge. With all due respect to Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, I do not want to be one of those people who can tell you what it's like to go over the edge. Somebody tie a rope around my waste and pull me back in. ....
No comments:
Post a Comment