Wednesday, August 24, 2011
who's on first?
it's a shame my kids don't understand abbot and costello. they also don't understand when i come in the front door and yell "loooooocy, i'm hooooooome!" suppose it would help if i exposed them to such comic gems but i do feel some satisfaction knowing that they are well versed in "what's up doc" and "acme" gadgets.
back to "who's on first".... who IS on first? more so, who IS out there looking at this blog. it got me thinking, and questioning my ego and so non-egocentric self. who reads this dribble?
so if you're out there and you take the time to come by here and check out my dribble, let me know. post a comment and say "here". i'm on first! i realize it may take some of the anonymity away, as well as the mystery, but honestly it's driving me batty thinking of who could possibly be reading this shit. suppose that's the price i pay for putting out for anyone to see but hey, we all know i like to live on the edge. won't you join me :)
home
I’m addicted to a little something called Pinterest. A website committed to my addiction to surfing and turfing the interwebs for things that I covet. You know. Decorating ideas, shoe addictions, words of wisdom, personal style. Time and time again there are “sayings” about home…it’s the heart, it’s where your mom is, it’s where love resides, it’s where we grow, etc. etc. etc.
Lately that idea of “home” has been rooting around in my brain and in my heart. I have a dear friend who is torn because she doesn’t have a house to call her own, with walls to paint and rooms to decorate. She struggles with the idea of being temporary and I feel for her. I really do understand, after living in an apartment for a year, just how hard it can be to raise a family, put down roots, when you feel you have no place to call your own. A home is an important part of who we are as families but also as individuals. We need to feel that we have a “home”, a safe place where we can kick off our shoes and just *be.
As I struggle and overcome the need to make my house a home, I find that it has nothing to do with how shiny my floors get. It has nothing to do with how I manicure my lawn. Granted, I doubt that I would feel as secure if my situation were still temporary in relation to my housing. I’m fortunate and grateful beyond recognition for this piece of homestead with my name on it. But what does define a home? Is it where you live, is it who you live with or is it about *how you live your life?
I’ve recently been doing a lot of reconnecting with people that generate a great deal of positive energy. I know, I know. Bust out the birks and the incense but I believe fully in the power of energy. Surrounding myself with negative people and places has done nothing good for me. Yet when I choose to live in a positive frame of mind, with other like minded folks, my life becomes full of good things. These friends of mine, both old and new, have an amazing way of looking at life. We all struggle to define who we are while staying open to the possibilities that wait for us. Some of them are deeply spiritual, there are a few Jesus freaks in the bunch, a few Buddhist, some folks that just feel the energy and move with it. But the running vein that connects us is a feeling of acceptance…and acceptance of each other while we try to accept ourselves. We are all at difference points in the process. Some of us just beginning which is where I feel I fit.
But here’s the amazing thing. When I surround myself with these folks, with these soul sisters and brothers of mine, with this new found yet old family, they accept me for me and even more importantly, I begin to accept myself. It’s cleansing, it’s powerful, it’s liberating and fulfilling. I feel like I’m home. I’m home with my tribe. I’m home without having walls and a roof. I’m out there, in the open air of the evening and I’m home.
I’m especially reminded of my real home today when I feel the pressure to be another PTA mom. When I feel looked down upon because I chose to leave a marriage that was a sham in what can only be describe as a cookie cutter community of married parents. When I feel like I don’t fit because I’m just not like the other girls. And yet I’ve never felt more accepted and loved in all my life. I’m not like the other girls…it’s true. And I love it and I’m thankful that other people do too.
This is my home. Right where I am.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
the love nook
as i was laying in bed with justin this morning, i felt an overwhelming sense of peace. i found my peace and my piece of mind in the love nook. you know, the nook?
no. you don't know about it? neither did a good friend i talked to earlier today. she kinda sorta just shrugged and went "what the hell are you talking about now". this isn't necessarily that unusual of a response from said friend (swear i could smack her if i didn't love her so damn much) but still, could i be the only one who acknowledges the love nook?
so here's my definition of the love nook. it's that cozy corner that a lover provides. usually found when you wake up in the morning to roll over and snug for a while. sometimes you can even find it after you've had a passionate night together. some people call it cuddling but i hate to use that term. i only use cuddling with the kids. otherwise it's the post-coitus, could i love you anymore if i tried, i made noises like some wild coyote on animal planet, body touching moment. you know. that place on a man's chest and shoulder, right there between the two when you rest your hand across them, they run their fingers through your hair and voila...a love nook is formed.
what i find intriguing about this little slice of heaven is the feeling of safety. i think some of that stems from hearing another persons heartbeat. it's like joy is just saturating every part of you. and that's when it hits you. you fit. you just fit perfectly in that little nook. if it's the right love nook, that's how it feels.
this morning i was reminded that his is the only nook i ever want to feel.
no. you don't know about it? neither did a good friend i talked to earlier today. she kinda sorta just shrugged and went "what the hell are you talking about now". this isn't necessarily that unusual of a response from said friend (swear i could smack her if i didn't love her so damn much) but still, could i be the only one who acknowledges the love nook?
so here's my definition of the love nook. it's that cozy corner that a lover provides. usually found when you wake up in the morning to roll over and snug for a while. sometimes you can even find it after you've had a passionate night together. some people call it cuddling but i hate to use that term. i only use cuddling with the kids. otherwise it's the post-coitus, could i love you anymore if i tried, i made noises like some wild coyote on animal planet, body touching moment. you know. that place on a man's chest and shoulder, right there between the two when you rest your hand across them, they run their fingers through your hair and voila...a love nook is formed.
what i find intriguing about this little slice of heaven is the feeling of safety. i think some of that stems from hearing another persons heartbeat. it's like joy is just saturating every part of you. and that's when it hits you. you fit. you just fit perfectly in that little nook. if it's the right love nook, that's how it feels.
this morning i was reminded that his is the only nook i ever want to feel.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
in the eye of the beholder
beauty is in the eye of the beholder. i've always liked that saying. when i was in my prepubescent funky phase, the idea of being beautiful to just one person gave me hope. then again my hormones probably resembled courtney love after an 8ball so everything to me was jacked up.
as an adult though, it holds a different connotation for me. i've never thought of myself as someone who is beautiful in the traditional sense. take for instance the archetype of beauty. some say there is a scientific formula for such beauty. a mask of linear proportion that defines true physical beauty. the standard is the marquardt mask. superimposed upon a photograph you can see the symmetry and lines that supposedly define a beautiful face. i've downloaded it before, looked at it, but refuse to layer it as a mask over my photograph. i just won't do it because frankly, i don't believe in it.
i've been thinking about the perceptions of beauty lately because there is a strange phenomena going on in my life....men are finding me attractive. huh? whut? where did this attention come from all of a sudden? it's a little disturbing to me because what i see in the mirror is not what i "want" to see from myself. i'm not saying that i don't find anything about myself attractive. i do. i own some traditional ideas of beauty. plump lips, full round body, penetrating eyes, milky white complexion, yeah. i have some of those. but in general, i don't fit the mold of a woman who gets lots of attention. i'm 100lbs. overweight...and no, folks, that is not an exaggeration. i am truly 100lbs. overweight and it's not healthy. my skin breaks out on a frequent basis for no known reason. fucking puberty at 39 can kiss my ass. i have stretch marks, i have a dimpled ass, my thighs rub together when i walk, my hair isn't exactly shiny, i'm divorced, a mom, the list of things that aren't traditionally thought of as sexy or beautiful by most men.
so why all of a sudden do i have men knocking on the door? now i am in crazy mad love with switch and i think it's pretty safe to say that he feels the same way about me. so it's not like i'm going out and looking for suitors. perhaps i flirt more than i have in the past though. being loved and loving someone gives you an incredible amount of confidence in the real world. love bubbles have a way of doing that to a girl. swoon.
there are two men in particular, one of whom i work with and the other is an ex who makes gestures and innuendo despite the fact that he's married. the ex is tough to handle since he's such a close friend and yet he is going through some major life changes. i think his attraction to me is one of nostalgia. wanting to go back in time and be young and free again. he knows it, i know it, i have to reel him back in every now and then. he hasn't been inappropriate in his actions but instead suggestive flirting. i'm not threatened but still find it odd that he finds me sexually interesting after all these years. those boys and their dicks. i swear. the man at work is someone i've just gotten to know and i have to say, he's as sweet as they get. he's attractive, he's smart and funny, he's an enormous flirt and he's made a few advances that i've put the kybash on quickly. he knows i have a man in my life and am not looking for anyone and honestly, the flirting is harmless. but i still think it's kinda sorta neat that he picked me. personally i think he's just a free spirit, artistic soul who likes to play around. it's harmless but flattering.
so what is beauty? in my eyes it doesn't have an enormous amount to do with how someone looks. there needs to be a certain level of attraction for there to be a sexual interest but it's never been the driving factor in my relationships. and fyi...switch might just look like a skinny guy but the man is pure muscle, no body fat and he's got a rockin ass body! i appreciate it so very much. please and thank you but it is not what i find most attractive about him. it's who he is as a human being. an outstanding, humble, brilliant, hard working, good man.
my definition of beauty is fairly simple. you have to be who you are on the inside for it to show on the outside. when i let go of my preconceived notions of myself, when i forget that i have a round belly and stretch marks and cellulite to boot, when i put those insecurities away and just embrace who i am, fat rolls and all, i feel liberated and it shows. this resurgence of attention is not going unnoticed. it's flattering, it's a boost to the old broad self esteem. it's a reminder that i'm beautiful by just being myself. that seems to be the formula for me.
fuck that mask and give me a heaping helping of good old fashioned heart and soul instead. that's where my beauty lies. glad to know someone else sees it too.
6th grade angst....with add-a-beads to boot!
as an adult though, it holds a different connotation for me. i've never thought of myself as someone who is beautiful in the traditional sense. take for instance the archetype of beauty. some say there is a scientific formula for such beauty. a mask of linear proportion that defines true physical beauty. the standard is the marquardt mask. superimposed upon a photograph you can see the symmetry and lines that supposedly define a beautiful face. i've downloaded it before, looked at it, but refuse to layer it as a mask over my photograph. i just won't do it because frankly, i don't believe in it.
so why all of a sudden do i have men knocking on the door? now i am in crazy mad love with switch and i think it's pretty safe to say that he feels the same way about me. so it's not like i'm going out and looking for suitors. perhaps i flirt more than i have in the past though. being loved and loving someone gives you an incredible amount of confidence in the real world. love bubbles have a way of doing that to a girl. swoon.
there are two men in particular, one of whom i work with and the other is an ex who makes gestures and innuendo despite the fact that he's married. the ex is tough to handle since he's such a close friend and yet he is going through some major life changes. i think his attraction to me is one of nostalgia. wanting to go back in time and be young and free again. he knows it, i know it, i have to reel him back in every now and then. he hasn't been inappropriate in his actions but instead suggestive flirting. i'm not threatened but still find it odd that he finds me sexually interesting after all these years. those boys and their dicks. i swear. the man at work is someone i've just gotten to know and i have to say, he's as sweet as they get. he's attractive, he's smart and funny, he's an enormous flirt and he's made a few advances that i've put the kybash on quickly. he knows i have a man in my life and am not looking for anyone and honestly, the flirting is harmless. but i still think it's kinda sorta neat that he picked me. personally i think he's just a free spirit, artistic soul who likes to play around. it's harmless but flattering.
so what is beauty? in my eyes it doesn't have an enormous amount to do with how someone looks. there needs to be a certain level of attraction for there to be a sexual interest but it's never been the driving factor in my relationships. and fyi...switch might just look like a skinny guy but the man is pure muscle, no body fat and he's got a rockin ass body! i appreciate it so very much. please and thank you but it is not what i find most attractive about him. it's who he is as a human being. an outstanding, humble, brilliant, hard working, good man.
my definition of beauty is fairly simple. you have to be who you are on the inside for it to show on the outside. when i let go of my preconceived notions of myself, when i forget that i have a round belly and stretch marks and cellulite to boot, when i put those insecurities away and just embrace who i am, fat rolls and all, i feel liberated and it shows. this resurgence of attention is not going unnoticed. it's flattering, it's a boost to the old broad self esteem. it's a reminder that i'm beautiful by just being myself. that seems to be the formula for me.
fuck that mask and give me a heaping helping of good old fashioned heart and soul instead. that's where my beauty lies. glad to know someone else sees it too.
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