in the eye of the beholder

beauty is in the eye of the beholder. i've always liked that saying. when i was in my prepubescent funky phase, the idea of being beautiful to just one person gave me hope. then again my hormones probably resembled courtney love after an 8ball so everything to me was jacked up.

 6th grade angst....with add-a-beads to boot!

as an adult though, it holds a different connotation for me. i've never thought of myself as someone who is beautiful in the traditional sense. take for instance the archetype of beauty. some say there is a scientific formula for such beauty. a mask of linear proportion that defines true physical beauty. the standard is the marquardt mask. superimposed upon a photograph you can see the symmetry and lines that supposedly define a beautiful face. i've downloaded it before, looked at it, but refuse to layer it as a mask over my photograph. i just won't do it because frankly, i don't believe in it.

i've been thinking about the perceptions of beauty lately because there is a strange phenomena going on in my life....men are finding me attractive. huh? whut? where did this attention come from all of a sudden? it's a little disturbing to me because what i see in the mirror is not what i "want" to see from myself. i'm not saying that i don't find anything about myself attractive. i do. i own some traditional ideas of beauty. plump lips, full round body, penetrating eyes, milky white complexion, yeah. i have some of those. but in general, i don't fit the mold of a woman who gets lots of attention. i'm 100lbs. overweight...and no, folks, that is not an exaggeration. i am truly 100lbs. overweight and it's not healthy. my skin breaks out on a frequent basis for no known reason. fucking puberty at 39 can kiss my ass. i have stretch marks, i have a dimpled ass, my thighs rub together when i walk, my hair isn't exactly shiny, i'm divorced, a mom, the list of things that aren't traditionally thought of as sexy or beautiful by most men.

so why all of a sudden do i have men knocking on the door? now i am in crazy mad love with switch and i think it's pretty safe to say that he feels the same way about me. so it's not like i'm going out and looking for suitors. perhaps i flirt more than i have in the past though. being loved and loving someone gives you an incredible amount of confidence in the real world. love bubbles have a way of doing that to a girl. swoon.

there are two men in particular, one of whom i work with and the other is an ex who makes gestures and innuendo despite the fact that he's married. the ex is tough to handle since he's such a close friend and yet he is going through some major life changes. i think his attraction to me is one of nostalgia. wanting to go back in time and be young and free again. he knows it, i know it, i have to reel him back in every now and then. he hasn't been inappropriate in his actions but instead suggestive flirting. i'm not threatened but still find it odd that he finds me sexually interesting after all these years. those boys and their dicks. i swear. the man at work is someone i've just gotten to know and i have to say, he's as sweet as they get. he's attractive, he's smart and funny, he's an enormous flirt and he's made a few advances that i've put the kybash on quickly. he knows i have a man in my life and am not looking for anyone and honestly, the flirting is harmless. but i still think it's kinda sorta neat that he picked me. personally i think he's just a free spirit, artistic soul who likes to play around. it's harmless but flattering.

so what is beauty? in my eyes it doesn't have an enormous amount to do with how someone looks. there needs to be a certain level of attraction for there to be a sexual interest but it's never been the driving factor in my relationships. and fyi...switch might just look like a skinny guy but the man is pure muscle, no body fat and he's got a rockin ass body! i appreciate it so very much. please and thank you but it is not what i find most attractive about him. it's who he is as a human being. an outstanding, humble, brilliant, hard working, good man.

my definition of beauty is fairly simple. you have to be who you are on the inside for it to show on the outside. when i let go of my preconceived notions of myself, when i forget that i have a round belly and stretch marks and cellulite to boot, when i put those insecurities away and just embrace who i am, fat rolls and all, i feel liberated and it shows. this resurgence of attention is not going unnoticed. it's flattering, it's a boost to the old broad self esteem. it's a reminder that i'm beautiful by just being myself. that seems to be the formula for me.

fuck that mask and give me a heaping helping of good old fashioned heart and soul instead. that's where my beauty lies. glad to know someone else sees it too.