i need to loosen my grip. on reality? nah. that one could probably use some tightening up but that would be entirely too depressing so i'll just stay in lala land for as long as they have me.
i need to loosen up and stop being so hard on myself. the self negating voice that is yelling in my head is a tough one to quiet. it's been there a long time and frankly it's quite comfortable there telling me all the things i'm not. telling me how i have nothing to give but instead take, take, take from everyone and everything. it tells me i'm ugly and fat and uglier and fatter. it tells me that when i feel accomplish or good about myself that it's all just an illusion. that i'm lying to myself and to everyone around me. as if i'm an impostor in my own life.
lately there have been loads of examples of this self loathing mindset. in the past 15 plus months i have taken on more than many people do in 15 years. i picked up the pieces of an entangled life and moved away from a terrible marriage to a man who never loved me, i'm raising two children, i bought a house and have successfully moved into it over the last week, i have met a man who treats me with respect and love, i have great friends and family, etc. etc. etc. yep, blessings are abundant. i should be proud. there's a part of me that's proud. but you wanna know what's so scary and self defeating about all of it...i don't feel i deserve one single bit of it. not one single part of all the good things unfolding in front of me. it's not for me. it's for someone else. it's for someone better. it's for someone else but it's definitely not for me.
i've worked hard. i've worked damn hard to get here. i should be basking in the joy that has become my life and yet all i want to do, all i feel i can do is cling to the things that i know. what do i know? i know how to hate myself. i know how to hurt myself. i know how to eat and then eat and then eat some more. i know how to second guess myself and everything about me. i know how to fuck things up. and for me, that's comfortable. the rest of this, all the good, is so incredibly uncomfortable that it is literally filtering itself through my body. i'm exhausted, i'm tattered, i feel physically ill.
so what's the deal? why can't i get past this feeling? how? why? where does this "root" lead? it has to lead somewhere deep and not easily touchable. otherwise i would have found it by now. all the discovery, all the breaking away and breaking out that i've done is exhilarating, freeing, liberating and yet i feel more trapped than ever. trapped with myself. trapped by myself. trapped in this belief that i am less. i am less than what i've become.
yep, i'm a woman of great expectations. i have great expectations of myself. and i' fear i'll never meet them. something's gotta give.
