hmmmm....where does the time go?

i've been terrible at updating this blog lately so i have a bunch of back posts to move over here. like 20+ blog entries from june, july, whenever. hell, i don't even know but i'm gonna move them and post them today!!! take a look if you dare....then again, i have no fucking clue who even reads this shit, other than me. really don't care either. it's so cathartic to get it all out, not care anymore and love who i've become. this is fun!!!!

enjoy enjoy enjoy life. goes by way too fast.

iris

august 27th...the f-cycle

the f-cycle
Current mood:f-tastic 

 

you know, i have a real love hate relationship with several words that start with "f".

exsqueeze me but what the hell am i talking about now? a random and somewhat pointless little tidbit, even for me?

why yes, yes it is a bizarre topic for discussion. hopefully i will meander toward a deeper meaning here in a second but don't hold your breath. i am business buzzed and exhausted so it may just be a blog filled with f-bombs. let's see where this goes.

so much of my life is or has been caught up in what i call the "f-cycle".

words like fuck, fear, facade, fragile, fraud, family, foundation, fierce

i used to think of my life as a journey but i am rethinking the term. a journey has a clear destination, a clear objective and i don't think of myself as simply going from a to b. i think it's a process. the process is an unfolding. every layer reveals something else. it's a process of discovery. not all good discoveries either. just the other day i discovered how truly alone i still feel sometimes and how helpless i can become because of another persons actions. um yeah, i thought i was past that. wrong again. i have discovered my weakness's and they are nothing like i had envisioned. well fuck...

words like forbidden, fortunate, frantic, friend, flexible, fool, fodder, faith

at the beginning was my fear. i was so terrified of my fear that i feared what was laying under the fear. but when i peeled back that layer, another one was there. this time i made an enormous discovery that changed my life. what i discovered was a solid foundation made of perseverance, determination, family, friends and compassionate giving love. i never would have imagined my own strength if i hadn't decided to face what was gathering below.

words like fortitude, fight, false, full, fair, found, freedom, food, forge, forward

i am coming full circle but i remain aware of my faults, and i have many. for example, i struggle daily to find the balance between food and love. i remain aware that the reality of this transformation is not always pretty or neat and tidy. quite the contrary. i continue to transform, move, process it the best i can but there are days i lay down and cry. sometimes i can't stop. i weep because of the process, i weep because of the fear, i weep because i feel fortunate and am filled with gratitude. i weep for what i've uncovered but also for how much further i have to go. everyday is something new but it's not always good, it's not always bad, but it's always there.

words like final, fall, fail, fluid, finding, future

the finality of becoming an individual again and not ever wanting to go back to being someone's property is liberating. the fluidity of my life. everything and everyone in my life has become fluid. we are all just moving around one another, propelling each other further toward whatever is to come. i have had to become this fluid, mobile, flexible woman that i never felt i could relate to but here i am. a creature of movement. a creature of freedom. i have found a woman unfolding. a woman with a future. a woman who is fearful but ready to forge a new way of living. i am a woman with a future that appears to be full.

the f words continue to line my path and i will gladly take each of them and use them. i am ready to fall. forward.

august 3rd...places everyone - and action!

places everyone.....and, action
Current mood:guns blazing

..............

Does anyone remember the videos that surfaced a few years ago showing an ex-wife, or soon to be ex, going ape shit about her husband? I believe she was doing a virtual “video” tour of their home and saying incredibly inappropriate things about him? Something along those lines but I know it became one of those viral things out there. Personally I remember seeing clips here and there and thinking that this woman had gone off the deep end.

See where this is leading folks? If you don’t then I suggest you just stop reading now because I’m about to dive on into that pool with her and go for a little dip.

I HAVE FUCKING HAD IT!!!! This man, no wait, he’s not even a man. He’s a fucking coward. A piece of shit who has wasted my time, hurt his own children with his irrational behavior, thrown away money from both of our families and disrupted the lives of everyone whom he claims to care for just to prove a point. The point being that I’m not worth shit! I have fucking had it with his demeaning tone, his constant attack on my character and judgment not only as a mother but as a person. I have had it with the condescending behavior, with the lack of communication and the utter disrespect and lack of trust. He doesn’t have a shred of common decency. Back the fuck up you son of a bitch!!!

I say these things right now because I’m angry and frustrated and I’m fucking done. I need a place to vent the anger and the frustration and the hate so that I don’t carry it around with me today. No way am I going to let this mother fucker steal one more minute of my life on his complete lack of common decency. Yeah, I'm fucking pissed. The end of the rope has been reached and I am gladly letting go of it and saying “So long mother fucker. I am done with your sorry ass!” Seems harsh but I’m saying these things because I have seen them first hand. Mostly I’m saying these things because they are the honest to god truth about this deplorable excuse for a man. And yes my peeps, I am talking about none other than fucktard.

People always talk about “dead-beat dads” in this country. About fathers, or mothers for that matter, who don’t pay child support, that don’t take care of their own flesh and blood, who leave the other parent stranded with bills to pay, children to raise and yet they give nothing. Hell, there are men out there who go to jail before helping to support their own children. Now don’t get me wrong, these men (and women) are scum. But I will give you one worse.

Take a man who is such a narcissistic bastard that he will punish his own children, whom he claims to care for more than anything in the world, just to prove that their mother isn’t worth shit. He doesn’t want to support them financially yet he wants to have more time with them than he ever did when we all lived under one roof and on top of that he doesn’t want them to have a house where they feel safe and comfortable. He wants the house, he wants the children and yet the one person who brought those children into the world, who cares for them day in and day out, the one who supports them emotionally and spiritually, that person should be working minimum wage and suffering for her sins. Now who wants to have their cake and eat it too? He is willing to sacrifice two perfectly innocent children’s happiness and wellbeing just to make sure that I have to struggle, that I have to be punished. All of it is done so that he can be right. Mostly I believe he does it out of spite. He does it so that I will never forget that I am the one who is untrustworthy, unlovable and unacceptable.

I have news for him. None of that fucking bullshit he’s been feeding me all of these years is true. Yes, I cheated. Boo-fucking-hoo you piece of shit excuse of a husband. Not only am I trustworthy and loveable and accepted but I’m about to throw his ass to the fucking lions. That son of a bitch is about to get the fight of his life because I am ready to fight for my life and for the lives of my kids. For the first time in this entire process and I mean this sincerely, I hold him in no regard. He is worthless to me. He can go hungry. He can struggle. He can live in an uncomfortable apartment with nothing and I won’t feel the slightest remorse. It is gone. All feelings of regret or guilt or hurt are erased.

Tomorrow he will again bring to the table a proposed settlement that will be beneath me. I should preface this by saying that he tried to negotiate with me last week and after 5 hours and nearly $1600 in mediation fees and attorney's fees he was still an unreasonable prick. Yeah, I'm just a wee-bit angry about that waste of a fucking day! He will again come to me with a settlement that is inappropriate, insulting and downright vulgar. He will play the victim and he will claim to be helpless and alone. What he doesn’t realize is that I have no sympathy for a person who cares so little for others and thinks so highly of himself that he puts himself above the law and above what is right.

My value doesn’t come from a checkbook and I’m not in this for the monetary value. My bottom line is about the greater good of my children, of my family, of my future and the future of the kids. But I am sure as hell not going to settle for anything less than I deserve. And if he’s smart and comes to the table with what I have asked then I will take it. I will take it if, and only if, it is what I deserve but this is on my terms and I will not settle for anything less.

Mark my words on this one, I deserve it. I deserve every last penny, every last hour, every last possible demand that I have asked and he knows it. I will not compromise who I am or what I deserve for that piece of shit anymore.

Cut. Print. End of Tape.

august 1st...365

365
Current mood:  fabulous

for some reason i woke up this morning and thought about the date. mainly because it was staring me in the face on the fridge but also because i'm remembering back to a conversation i had a few days ago about how much things have changes in one year. it inspired me to go into the archives and i was surprised to find that 365 days ago, i made the decision to start this blog.

i am glad that i did and i'm proud of myself for not giving into the fear of the "what if's" and instead moved through the "am i really doing this" and finally into the "i did it". i think the best part of this journey is that i'm continuing to do it. things are beginning to settle, or at least i hope they are, and i am a better person. i have a more fulfilling life for me and my children. i am getting further and further away from what can only be described as a toxic relationship. i'm closer to my family, i have a clear picture of the friends on whom i can count and i have a life that i can call my own. i'm madly in love with a madman (who is currently looking like a mad scientists with his unruly facial hair). my creativity and passion is alive and appreciated by the people i choose to share it but more importantly by me. i appreciate this madness!!! the list of "pro's" could go on and on but the funny thing is despite the numerous "con's" i could list, none of them outweigh the good stuff. the good stuff is really, really fucking good and worth it. it's just worth it!!!!

life is good today. i will cherish it. i will savor it. and the best part is tomorrow i will wake up and do it all over again. this is my path to travel. mine. happy 365 to me and my randomerants!

from day 1, august, 2009

i know why. i know who. and i'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other and see where it takes me. i'm done being serious. i'm done thinking of what will happen. i don't want to think about it anymore, i just want to move through it. no matter how much it's going to hurt i'll move through it and feel it and submerge myself in it. should be an interesting journey.

august 1st...tag, you're it!

Tag...You're It!
Current mood:  strong

..............

Have you ever noticed how interconnected lives can become when you share so much of yourself with someone? It’s kind of like that bubble in the level. Being a Libra, I am acutely aware of my need for balance and maintaining equilibrium. Depending upon your belief in astrological stereotyping, this can either be a given truth or a pile of horse shit. I choose the former. In my case I have always felt a strong need for justice, balance and I have a natural ability to see things from several different angles. It’s probably why I find myself disappointed in unjust situations. Or perhaps I just have a conscience. Either way, I like things even and tempered. In general terms, the label of Libra is an accurate one for me.

I have noticed an interesting trend lately in my relationship with Switch. It’s not just with him but with everyone that I hold dear to me or with whom I feel deeply connected. Right now I see it more with him than with anyone else. I tend to get into a “funk” on a regular basis. Some people only go through it once every few months or maybe once a year but I am a temperamental creature…as if that’s any big news to anyone. You throw in my chemical makeup as that of someone with depression and anxiety, although very well treated, and there are days that are just plain shit. I feel it, it has to be felt and I move on from there. It’s just how I roll.

I recently got into one of my funks and had a difficult time coming out of the death spiral. The entire time I was down I noticed that the people closest to me, especially Switch, were seemingly without many difficulties. That’s not to say that they didn’t have any but the urgency wasn’t there. Even the people in my life who generally have a certain degree of difficulty to overcome were all sailing through life gently. Meanwhile I was entangled. That has shifted in the last couple of weeks and now I am the one who feels like taking on some of the burden.

Switch was sick a few weeks ago. Although I had more than enough on my plate, it was as if I went into hyper mode and had the energy and vigor of someone with no worries. I wanted to help. I wanted to carry the load and make him feel better. My daughter was struggling last week with some mood swings due to some recent changes. It killed me to see her so upset and unbalance but I just sucked it up and made it better.

I had a disappointing day this week but it didn’t hit me until the next day. By then my mother was over her disappointment and could be there to lend me a shoulder. We provided a sounding board for each other over the same subject on different days. I was also sick this past week with what I can only imagine would be Switch’s ailment from last week and I felt downright crappy.  Want to know something? He sent me more texts with “I love you” than normal. He was concerned for me and was essentially saying “let me take the burden.” 

I find it so interesting that the universe has a mid-line. It has a way of maintaining balance. I have always said that only one person can be down at a time, that’s just the way it works. I think I’m right. Can you imagine what a fucked up world we would have if we all had shitty days at the same time? Fuck! Talk about some messed up yin/yang action!

All I know is that there is a certain calm in knowing that there is someone on the other side who is so in tune with me. In my case there are several people in my life but I feel the most connected with Switch in this sense. He’s the black to my white so to speak or maybe more like a partner with which to play this see-saw like game of life. Whatever role I am playing at any given time, I’m just glad to be playing. Life is about the challenges and the joys of overcoming those challenges and hopefully learning a thing or two about yourself and the people you care for most in the process.

Amazing how we swing back and forth in this wonderful balance.  So go ahead and give me your troubles and I'll give you mine. Let’s just make sure we do it in shifts.