Puzzle Pieces

I hate tough questions. No, not the “What’s the capital of Nebraska?” questions…and please, refrain from showing off if you know the answer. I could make a guess and it might be right but frankly, this Florida girl probably doesn’t remember that chapter of geography class.



I’m talking about the questions we took for granted as children. Namely the “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Simple. Easy. Clear. It was one that we all likely answered time and time again and I would venture to guess that I wasn’t the only one who had a different answer nearly every time it was asked. I remember wanting to be an artist, a prima ballerina, an auto mechanic, a musician, a geologist and an architect. Ambitious, scattered, not at all cohesive as far as a vision goes but it came from my gut. It was the truth. They were all simple, honest, truthful answers to a simple, straightforward question about what I wanted to “do” in my life.


Where along the way did it go from being an easy question to one without an answer? Does it have an answer? What if the answer isn’t what you “think” it should be? As an adult it takes on a new meaning. The reason this discussion came up…and by discussion I mean the one I have with myself on a daily basis…was because I posed a question. The question being for advice in my pursuit of a career in graphic design, specifically what do I need to accomplish in my portfolio to gain attention.


I reached out to three people, all whom I trust and respect. One is my aunt who is a very successful artist and art director. The next is a dear friend who is a designer who specializes in web design and works for a local agency. The final is an old/new friend that I will simply call “chedddar”. Old in that I know him from when I was in middle and high school. New because, thanks to social media, we have reconnected. He’s a culmination of artist, business man, mogul, entrepreneur, you name it, he’s got it.


I received feedback from two of the three people and it was incredibly helpful. But “cheddar” is the only one who asked me a question before giving advice. What is it exactly that I want to do? Where do I see myself going in this “industry” of design and production? Um, Yeah, Um, Wow. This should be an easy thing to answer. I want to design and create. That’s a given. But how will I make it work? Where do I fit into the industry that I have wanted for so long? After all, I did go to college for just that…graphic design.


For weeks now I have been pondering, wondering how I would answer these questions. Who is it that I see myself being over the next few years? What does it look like and where does it take me? I’ve thought long and hard, reaching out to friends and family and looking at their vision of themselves. Looking at myself and where I am right now. What tools do I have and how can I make them work for me. What is the bottom line and how do I define it in a clear logical way…and by logical I mean in any way other than the one I’ve just written here. Geesh, somebody shut me the hell up already.


Finally I’ve come to the realization that I don’t know exactly what I want or who I see myself being in the long run, or even tomorrow for that matter. What I am certain of is that I have something to give creatively. It’s always been a struggle for me to define that creativity, generally living in the day to day creative process in some form or medium but never going in one direction. Scattered is an understatement when I think of ways to describe myself.


I think it’s time to pick up these scattered pieces and put them in the puzzle where they belong. I would normally start with the straight edges and corners first to frame things out but I don’t have any of those pieces. Guess I just have to jump right in the middle then!

party hat time!

that's right. get out your best party hats bitches! i'm deep in the throws of a pity party. it's time to get out the little tiny violins and let everyone play sweet little songs of sorrow for me. yeah, it's just that pathetic. but i'm not blogging to get sympathy or for any kudos, atta-girls or you'll be fine's. i just have to get the self loathing out in some way. poorly written, absolutely. pathetic, given. real, honest, truthful self hatred. let the vomiting of self critical loathing begin.

i hate myself. i hate the way i look, the way i feel, i hate my ability to eat mass quantities of shit (it's a gift), i hate that after i eat i still make myself vomit sometimes. i hate my lack of organization. i have no decision making skills, i'm irresponsible with time and money, i'm irresponsible with my body (in that i care nothing for it), i hate that my daughter got up in front of her entire 4th grade class today and didn't get more accolades for her hard work. why? because it's a direct reflection of my unwillingness to spend additional time with her studying, doing the working hard. i'm not a hard worker. i'm lazy. i'm a lazy, fucking, lazy messy, fat ass. that's it. i'm a loser and i have no idea what direction i'm taking in my life. i have a part time job as a shop girl, i dropped out of college too soon, i had a career in finance (of all things), i failed at marriage, i fail at parenting from time to time. i define the epitome of a midlife crisis. ack! i'm coming unhinged with the negative thoughts..

i'm a bad mom. i don't follow through on things. i let people down. i let myself down. i let my kids down. i don't take them outside enough. the house is always in a state of disarray.  i don't do laundry, i forget to take out the garbage, i ignore my kids and when i don't ignore them, i yell at them too much. i get annoyed by little things, i forget to take my meds and become a delusional mess (yep, forgot them yesterday), i'm a dumbass, i rarely read anymore, i spend too much time on facebook, i eat too much ice cream, i can't stop myself from eating. no self control, no self confidence. i am nothing and i feel everything. it's reaching critical mass of alienation and hatred over here and i can't find one iota of reason. there are days when i want to stay in bed all day and all night and never wake up. really. i know i'm not alone in self loathing. i also know this is harsh and poorly written and totally illogical. i am also acutely aware that this is not the reality. i am trying hard to believe that i am worthy of my life but there are days when nothing feels right or good or real or fair or enough.

but what i can't stand about the self loathing part of me is that it is always there. a reminder that i'm not enough, i don't have enough within me and that i will never be enough. for me, i don't feel that i will ever be whole or positive about myself. i feel like the negatives outweigh the positives. time and time again i'm told about the positive impact i have in other people's lives. and trust me on this one, that is not bragging. i hate it. i hate it when people tell me that something i've said or done or a way in which i have acted has brightened their day or made them feel special. why? because i'm a self centered boob. it makes me uncomfortable and i feel an incredible sense of masquerading as someone or something that i will never be. or that i was never meant to be.

example: i was sick a few weeks ago. really sick to my stomach. without so much as a glance or a word in his direction, justin got up and made coffee, a complete breakfast and tended to me as i fell in and out of sleep. he even jumped in the car and got me powerade which he was just sure would make me feel better. i doubted it but he was right, definitely helped. i thanked him over and over again. he simply stated that it was the least he could do since i do so much for him. i felt like my skin was crawling. granted, i do stick my neck out for him here and there. i love him in a way i didn't know was possible but it is never something for which i want accolades.  here was this incredible man taking care of me. he didn't have to do that. more importantly, i didn't deserve it. i truly didn't believe that i deserved it and still question that feeling of being uncomfortable with the care.

probably the biggest mystery for me is how i got to this point. where in my life experiences did i set in motion the cycle of self hatred. i hate every part of myself sometimes and can't find one damn thing to like about me (see above). but where is it so deeply rooted that no matter how much i open up my life to good things, no matter what strides i make or turns i take in the road, it all comes back to me hating me.

perhaps it's the expectation i have of myself. if i continue to fail or feel like a failure or label myself as a failure, no one will expect anything more than a failure. maybe it goes back to childhood and never feeling like i fit the mold, which i obviously still don't. or maybe it's just that there is safety in the self hatred. i can't remember a time when i didn't feel just a twinge of it. even during my very highest highs, i feel a little lost. i feel as though someone else should be reeling in the joy. that i deserve to be what i have turned into physically. that i deserve to be unattractive, to have layers of fat over muscle, the have more flesh than i need, to be sloth like and unmotivated. there is safety there. i'm untouchable, unlovable, unattractive and unworthy.

only problem is that it doesn't work that way. i am loved, i am touched, i am surprisingly still found attractive by a slim margin of males. but i can't figure out how to be worthy. when you aren't worthy to yourself, how are you worthy of others. how and when and where does the cycle break!

fuck, it really is a bad day. let the party continue!

the "g" word

it's a slippery slope and a total rule breaker but i'm gonna blog about it anyway. since when did i start following rules anyway? hello?

so i'm gonna talk about it. god. religion. higher power. the big jc. allah. buddha. you can believe that william shatner is in charge if you like. it doesn't matter to me what you want to call it. we all know what i'm talking about. it's the belief in something bigger than what we know as fact. it's a faith in knowing that there's a "reason" or a "purpose" to what is happening or not happening in our lives.

and just so we're clear here...i'm not sure what i call it. it's not the big jc for me necessarily, although i have been baptized in the presbyterian church and do attend with the kids. judaism has appealed to me since i was very young. probably has something to do with the affluent neighborhood kids i grew up around all going to temple. but there's definitely a sensibility and spirituality about their believe system that appeals to me. when i hit my early teens i wanted to read everything i could get my hands on about buddhism and hinduism. but there is one thing that i have never believed fully and that is the option of no higher power. athiesm has never really been an option for me. i've always felt there was some force out there. a karma if you wish. again. not sure what to call it but i feel it so in that i believe. as far as all the other hypocritical bullshit that is constantly pushed down my throat as true "religion", not so much. .

i'm not saying that there is a traditional sense of the big "g" sitting over us in judgment, watching our every move and filling our lives with good things if we are worthy enough. that bullshit kills me! i see suffering that can't be explained. i see gifts bestowed on folks who abuse them. it is illogical to think that if i obey the laws of a god that i will be the recipient of good things. don't get me wrong. one of the things that i believe without a doubt is the golden rule. respect, treat others well. again. comes back to a karmic reaction.

the reason i wanted to write about my understanding or at least my faith in a bigger plan outside of myself, is that lately i've been giving it a lot of thought. i didn't come into this part of my life with a plan. in fact, i've essentially been flying by the seat of my pants for the last two years. no real plan. i just knew that i needed to make a change and take my life back, perhaps for the first time. so here i am. and the amazing thing, the thing that literally takes my breath away and makes me feel dizzy is the fact that my life is so full of good. really fucking good.

i have everything right here. in my life. in my sight. it's all falling into place and i had very little to do with the actual placement. yes, i made the decision to move on and take back my life but the way i have taken it back was not alone. it's been the kindness of a stranger, the support of a friendly word, the glance of a lover saying "you're going to be fine". it hits me like a hard punch sometimes. i can be sitting with the kids and suddenly, boom, out of nowhere i feel overwhelmed with the feeling that things are just the way they need to be. good or bad, they are right. it's all just right.

obviously i don't always feel like i deserve it and the self doubt sinks in but it's becoming less and less. i'm learning how to open myself to the success, to the feeling of being in the right place at the right time. to accepting these "blessings" from my belief in a higher power, whatever that might be. personally, for me, i think my higher power is all around me in the people and places that are a part of my life. i find that strength and that comfort in knowing that there is a purpose for me, even if i don't know what it is right now. there is a path for me that i help pave but which i can't take full credit. no one does it alone.