the "g" word

it's a slippery slope and a total rule breaker but i'm gonna blog about it anyway. since when did i start following rules anyway? hello?

so i'm gonna talk about it. god. religion. higher power. the big jc. allah. buddha. you can believe that william shatner is in charge if you like. it doesn't matter to me what you want to call it. we all know what i'm talking about. it's the belief in something bigger than what we know as fact. it's a faith in knowing that there's a "reason" or a "purpose" to what is happening or not happening in our lives.

and just so we're clear here...i'm not sure what i call it. it's not the big jc for me necessarily, although i have been baptized in the presbyterian church and do attend with the kids. judaism has appealed to me since i was very young. probably has something to do with the affluent neighborhood kids i grew up around all going to temple. but there's definitely a sensibility and spirituality about their believe system that appeals to me. when i hit my early teens i wanted to read everything i could get my hands on about buddhism and hinduism. but there is one thing that i have never believed fully and that is the option of no higher power. athiesm has never really been an option for me. i've always felt there was some force out there. a karma if you wish. again. not sure what to call it but i feel it so in that i believe. as far as all the other hypocritical bullshit that is constantly pushed down my throat as true "religion", not so much. .

i'm not saying that there is a traditional sense of the big "g" sitting over us in judgment, watching our every move and filling our lives with good things if we are worthy enough. that bullshit kills me! i see suffering that can't be explained. i see gifts bestowed on folks who abuse them. it is illogical to think that if i obey the laws of a god that i will be the recipient of good things. don't get me wrong. one of the things that i believe without a doubt is the golden rule. respect, treat others well. again. comes back to a karmic reaction.

the reason i wanted to write about my understanding or at least my faith in a bigger plan outside of myself, is that lately i've been giving it a lot of thought. i didn't come into this part of my life with a plan. in fact, i've essentially been flying by the seat of my pants for the last two years. no real plan. i just knew that i needed to make a change and take my life back, perhaps for the first time. so here i am. and the amazing thing, the thing that literally takes my breath away and makes me feel dizzy is the fact that my life is so full of good. really fucking good.

i have everything right here. in my life. in my sight. it's all falling into place and i had very little to do with the actual placement. yes, i made the decision to move on and take back my life but the way i have taken it back was not alone. it's been the kindness of a stranger, the support of a friendly word, the glance of a lover saying "you're going to be fine". it hits me like a hard punch sometimes. i can be sitting with the kids and suddenly, boom, out of nowhere i feel overwhelmed with the feeling that things are just the way they need to be. good or bad, they are right. it's all just right.

obviously i don't always feel like i deserve it and the self doubt sinks in but it's becoming less and less. i'm learning how to open myself to the success, to the feeling of being in the right place at the right time. to accepting these "blessings" from my belief in a higher power, whatever that might be. personally, for me, i think my higher power is all around me in the people and places that are a part of my life. i find that strength and that comfort in knowing that there is a purpose for me, even if i don't know what it is right now. there is a path for me that i help pave but which i can't take full credit. no one does it alone.