party hat time!

that's right. get out your best party hats bitches! i'm deep in the throws of a pity party. it's time to get out the little tiny violins and let everyone play sweet little songs of sorrow for me. yeah, it's just that pathetic. but i'm not blogging to get sympathy or for any kudos, atta-girls or you'll be fine's. i just have to get the self loathing out in some way. poorly written, absolutely. pathetic, given. real, honest, truthful self hatred. let the vomiting of self critical loathing begin.

i hate myself. i hate the way i look, the way i feel, i hate my ability to eat mass quantities of shit (it's a gift), i hate that after i eat i still make myself vomit sometimes. i hate my lack of organization. i have no decision making skills, i'm irresponsible with time and money, i'm irresponsible with my body (in that i care nothing for it), i hate that my daughter got up in front of her entire 4th grade class today and didn't get more accolades for her hard work. why? because it's a direct reflection of my unwillingness to spend additional time with her studying, doing the working hard. i'm not a hard worker. i'm lazy. i'm a lazy, fucking, lazy messy, fat ass. that's it. i'm a loser and i have no idea what direction i'm taking in my life. i have a part time job as a shop girl, i dropped out of college too soon, i had a career in finance (of all things), i failed at marriage, i fail at parenting from time to time. i define the epitome of a midlife crisis. ack! i'm coming unhinged with the negative thoughts..

i'm a bad mom. i don't follow through on things. i let people down. i let myself down. i let my kids down. i don't take them outside enough. the house is always in a state of disarray.  i don't do laundry, i forget to take out the garbage, i ignore my kids and when i don't ignore them, i yell at them too much. i get annoyed by little things, i forget to take my meds and become a delusional mess (yep, forgot them yesterday), i'm a dumbass, i rarely read anymore, i spend too much time on facebook, i eat too much ice cream, i can't stop myself from eating. no self control, no self confidence. i am nothing and i feel everything. it's reaching critical mass of alienation and hatred over here and i can't find one iota of reason. there are days when i want to stay in bed all day and all night and never wake up. really. i know i'm not alone in self loathing. i also know this is harsh and poorly written and totally illogical. i am also acutely aware that this is not the reality. i am trying hard to believe that i am worthy of my life but there are days when nothing feels right or good or real or fair or enough.

but what i can't stand about the self loathing part of me is that it is always there. a reminder that i'm not enough, i don't have enough within me and that i will never be enough. for me, i don't feel that i will ever be whole or positive about myself. i feel like the negatives outweigh the positives. time and time again i'm told about the positive impact i have in other people's lives. and trust me on this one, that is not bragging. i hate it. i hate it when people tell me that something i've said or done or a way in which i have acted has brightened their day or made them feel special. why? because i'm a self centered boob. it makes me uncomfortable and i feel an incredible sense of masquerading as someone or something that i will never be. or that i was never meant to be.

example: i was sick a few weeks ago. really sick to my stomach. without so much as a glance or a word in his direction, justin got up and made coffee, a complete breakfast and tended to me as i fell in and out of sleep. he even jumped in the car and got me powerade which he was just sure would make me feel better. i doubted it but he was right, definitely helped. i thanked him over and over again. he simply stated that it was the least he could do since i do so much for him. i felt like my skin was crawling. granted, i do stick my neck out for him here and there. i love him in a way i didn't know was possible but it is never something for which i want accolades.  here was this incredible man taking care of me. he didn't have to do that. more importantly, i didn't deserve it. i truly didn't believe that i deserved it and still question that feeling of being uncomfortable with the care.

probably the biggest mystery for me is how i got to this point. where in my life experiences did i set in motion the cycle of self hatred. i hate every part of myself sometimes and can't find one damn thing to like about me (see above). but where is it so deeply rooted that no matter how much i open up my life to good things, no matter what strides i make or turns i take in the road, it all comes back to me hating me.

perhaps it's the expectation i have of myself. if i continue to fail or feel like a failure or label myself as a failure, no one will expect anything more than a failure. maybe it goes back to childhood and never feeling like i fit the mold, which i obviously still don't. or maybe it's just that there is safety in the self hatred. i can't remember a time when i didn't feel just a twinge of it. even during my very highest highs, i feel a little lost. i feel as though someone else should be reeling in the joy. that i deserve to be what i have turned into physically. that i deserve to be unattractive, to have layers of fat over muscle, the have more flesh than i need, to be sloth like and unmotivated. there is safety there. i'm untouchable, unlovable, unattractive and unworthy.

only problem is that it doesn't work that way. i am loved, i am touched, i am surprisingly still found attractive by a slim margin of males. but i can't figure out how to be worthy. when you aren't worthy to yourself, how are you worthy of others. how and when and where does the cycle break!

fuck, it really is a bad day. let the party continue!