december 5 - no more dancing for me, thanks.

hanging up the dancing shoes
Current mood:  confident

where have you been all these years?

your kind, sweet, gentle love. your compliments and compromise. you give it freely today. like a spigot that can't be turned off. i am perfect in your eyes. you are supportive and kind, tender with your words. today you are the person i fell in love with so many years ago. today you are the person i hoped i would be with for the rest of my life. fred astaire, is that you?

days like today, when you have tender eyes and warm humor, i question if this is right. am i doing the right thing by leaving 14 years with you behind? i question how i ever stopped loving you. i question if you are truly where i need to be. i question my desires for something more than what you can afford me. i question it all. your familiarity, your willingness to make things right is so strong. i can taste you, see you, feel you, hear you. i put up ornaments on the tree and they remind me of a time and place with you. you will do anything to convince me that you are something you are not. you will do anything to convince yourself that i am the only thing you want. you will do everything to convince me that i am better off with you than without you.

well, i don't need your apathy. i don't need it. i don't want it. the pain is too great and too real. it was born long ago and cannot be contained. i can't be contained. i don't hate you. truth be told, i love you very much. that's why it's so hard. but i resent you. i resent your tireless efforts to make things right long after they were wrong. i am tired of arguing my way through life with someone who doesn't respect my opinions. doesn't respect me. doesn't respect my decisions or my passion.

that's precisely who i am. passion incarnate and you know what? i've always been more than you can handle. i'm more than i can handle most of the time and i like it. i am full, ready, overflowing and intense. and fuck you. fuck you for not being able to see that excess within me is good. the excess in me is beautiful, happy, hot, flickering, explosive, creative, and somewhat unpredictable. i am just fine, just perfectly perfect the way i am. dare i say that i fucking rock? oh yeah, i went there.

leave this other persona of yours alone. i don't know where he's been all these years. i do find him to be quite enjoyable, lovable, just what i always wanted from you but i've fallen for it too many times. it's a lovely little dance you do, mr. astaire,  and i enjoy watching but please don't ask me to dance. i'm not ginger rogers anymore.

december 4 - elvis has left the building

elvis has left the building
Current mood:  disappointed

the mass hysteria, the chaos, the adrenaline. all waiting for something big to happen. waiting for elvis to step out into the lobby where he signs adoring fans pictures, swivels those hips and does a few "thank you very much"s while women swoon. but it's that anticipation, the not knowing when he's coming through the door. not the actually person they are excited about. yes, elvis personifies it but it could be the beetles or joe schmo for that matter. hell, you give jo schmo enough credit and he too can become faint worthy.

well guess what folks. elvis has left my building and i'm disappointed. he was most certainly in the building at some point but he's now hit the road. oh yeah, the idea, the general concept of leaving my marriage had me on pins and needles. when, where, how, is it right, is it wrong, what will happen next. all questions without answers and they had my head lit up. virtually on fire. and there's nothing more exciting than waking yourself up with the possibilities of what could be, what will be, what won't be any longer, the good and the bad. it's a rush.

and then it happens. the bottom falls out. the reality of these decisions, these decisions that are all yours come to fruition. and sometimes things go precisely the way you thought they would. people react in a way that you expected them to respond. sometimes they go in a polar opposite direction and you are shocked and disappointed. sometimes they go no where at all and you find yourself stuck, trapped more than before. so are things working out the way i saw it in my head? fuck no. don't even really know what that looked like to begin with but this, this is not what i thought it would be.

i am ill prepared. i am not ready for what is to come. the idea of turning around and trying to get out the magic marriage eraser is so very appealing. going back to the safe place, even though it was never safe to begin with, is at the forefront of my mind. nothing is certain except what i already know. and what i know is not at all fulfilling, but i know what to expect. and right now, it would be nice to know what's waiting for me around the corner instead of being cautiously optimistic or cleverly paranoid.

so here i am. i am surrounded by people who love me, people who hate me, people who don't understand me, people who want the best for me but can't give it to me, people who want to be with me but can't because it's just too complicated. life outside of my own little world is complicated. it's devastating on all fronts. nothing is as it seems and everything is exactly the way it appears. the ups, the downs, the heartbreak, the uncertainty, the sadness, the push for something more. the irony boggles my mind.

it's all happening for a reason, right now, but let me tell you something. it's breaking me. it's breaking me into a million little jagged pieces today and i'm just not sure how to put them back together. i question if i have it in myself to put it back together. my heart breaks and i find myself lonely, lonelier and more empty than i have been in a very long time. my body aches for something but i don't know for what and it certainly seems that my soul is just a little less comfortable in my own body.

i know i'll look back on this blog, on all the entries but this one in particular, and i will remember exactly how i feel right this minute. and it does not feel good. this too shall pass and i know i'm someone who survives and perseveres. really, i do know that deep down this is painful but part of a greater picture that will be worth the initial wounds.

but right now, i'm pretty pissed that elvis left through the back door. left his waiting fans out here in the cold, without even so much as a grind of his hips. rock stars always disappoint.

december 1....day 2 down!

mama bear is awake
Current mood:  loved

Well smack my ass and call me sally! I can only compare the last two days to feeling as if someone has given me the longest, most agonizing swirly in history! Swoosh…..

 

I am knee deep in this battle that we call divorce. I know he is hurt, feels betrayed, scared, but some of the things he has said, the way in which he has spoken to me, surprise me. That I’m a horrible wench who simply wants to sleep around, spend his money and ignore our children. I don’t believe the words but there is no denying that they sting and are wearing away at my exterior.

 

However, I’m not here to talk about Mark and his behavior right now. I have decided to give him the night off. See, I am not a bitch. I am actually being very generous. Instead, his hateful, mean demeanor has brought about something that I didn’t know was there.

 

Acceptance. A bond. A bond with my mother.

 

Up until this point, she has not been easy to approach. We are very close but she isn’t the most touchy feely warm and cuddly style mom. We are polar opposites that way. Instead, she has been hesitant, somewhat judgmental and all around, well, kind of an unsupportive bitch. She is not one to mince words. A lovely woman but tough as nails and doesn’t take shit from anyone.

 

I told her today about everything that has been happening. Granted, she has known all along that my marriage was in trouble but I had kept the *affair* a guarded secret until today. Not only was she incredibly understanding, but she was pissed that he had used such strong words with me. When she heard that he wanted me to leave, instead of him being the gentlemen and moving out, she was fucking livid! That mama cub came out and she had her claws fully drawn and ready for a fight. Made me feel good to know she was there to protect me, whether I need her to be or not.

 

After I calmed her down and reassured her that I would be going back to the house and fighting him on this one, she revealed something I never thought possible. You see, my parents were divorced when I was the same age as my daughter is currently. They had been married roughly the same amount of time. They divorced quickly but they remarried less than 1 year later. Crazy, I know but being divorced was a mistake for them and they realized very, very quickly that they were indeed good partners, and partners for life.

 

The catalyst, the thing that drove the biggest wedge between them was a love affair. My mom was having an affair. What the…..I picked my jaw up off the floor and we continued the conversation for quite some time. She never loved this other man. He was simply a distraction and my father was never angry about it. He didn’t blame her. He knew he was a lousy husband and wanted to do something to make it right. And he did. However, that’s where our paths diverge. Not only did she not love this other man, my dad was willing, truly willing, to be what she needed. What she wanted.

 

Instead, Mark continues to point a finger, looking for someone else to carry the blame. Yes, I had an affair. I’m still having an affair. Hell, I’m madly, passionately in love in a way I didn’t believe was possible. Moreover, I love this freedom to be myself, open, truly open with him. I am indeed sorry that it came down to “another man” in his eyes.  

 

That is not why my marriage is over. It is over because it was never an honest to goodness marriage of two people. Instead, I made an enormous mistake by giving up my identity to suit his. He’s to blame; I’m to blame but no one else. He will never admit that part of our failure lies within him. My father admitted it. He worked on it and you know what. I have so much respect for him. And for my mom to admit to me what must have been a very difficult time in her life, I am so thankful, so connected to her.  

 

So I find myself accepted. Hated by my husband, loved passionately by the right man, and accepted by a woman I felt judged me until right this minute.

 

I was so very, very wrong. I’m everything she is, and more.