Current mood: loved
Well smack my ass and call me sally! I can only compare the last two days to feeling as if someone has given me the longest, most agonizing swirly in history! Swoosh…..
I am knee deep in this battle that we call divorce. I know he is hurt, feels betrayed, scared, but some of the things he has said, the way in which he has spoken to me, surprise me. That I’m a horrible wench who simply wants to sleep around, spend his money and ignore our children. I don’t believe the words but there is no denying that they sting and are wearing away at my exterior.
However, I’m not here to talk about Mark and his behavior right now. I have decided to give him the night off. See, I am not a bitch. I am actually being very generous. Instead, his hateful, mean demeanor has brought about something that I didn’t know was there.
Acceptance. A bond. A bond with my mother.
Up until this point, she has not been easy to approach. We are very close but she isn’t the most touchy feely warm and cuddly style mom. We are polar opposites that way. Instead, she has been hesitant, somewhat judgmental and all around, well, kind of an unsupportive bitch. She is not one to mince words. A lovely woman but tough as nails and doesn’t take shit from anyone.
I told her today about everything that has been happening. Granted, she has known all along that my marriage was in trouble but I had kept the *affair* a guarded secret until today. Not only was she incredibly understanding, but she was pissed that he had used such strong words with me. When she heard that he wanted me to leave, instead of him being the gentlemen and moving out, she was fucking livid! That mama cub came out and she had her claws fully drawn and ready for a fight. Made me feel good to know she was there to protect me, whether I need her to be or not.
After I calmed her down and reassured her that I would be going back to the house and fighting him on this one, she revealed something I never thought possible. You see, my parents were divorced when I was the same age as my daughter is currently. They had been married roughly the same amount of time. They divorced quickly but they remarried less than 1 year later. Crazy, I know but being divorced was a mistake for them and they realized very, very quickly that they were indeed good partners, and partners for life.
The catalyst, the thing that drove the biggest wedge between them was a love affair. My mom was having an affair. What the…..I picked my jaw up off the floor and we continued the conversation for quite some time. She never loved this other man. He was simply a distraction and my father was never angry about it. He didn’t blame her. He knew he was a lousy husband and wanted to do something to make it right. And he did. However, that’s where our paths diverge. Not only did she not love this other man, my dad was willing, truly willing, to be what she needed. What she wanted.
Instead, Mark continues to point a finger, looking for someone else to carry the blame. Yes, I had an affair. I’m still having an affair. Hell, I’m madly, passionately in love in a way I didn’t believe was possible. Moreover, I love this freedom to be myself, open, truly open with him. I am indeed sorry that it came down to “another man” in his eyes.
That is not why my marriage is over. It is over because it was never an honest to goodness marriage of two people. Instead, I made an enormous mistake by giving up my identity to suit his. He’s to blame; I’m to blame but no one else. He will never admit that part of our failure lies within him. My father admitted it. He worked on it and you know what. I have so much respect for him. And for my mom to admit to me what must have been a very difficult time in her life, I am so thankful, so connected to her.
So I find myself accepted. Hated by my husband, loved passionately by the right man, and accepted by a woman I felt judged me until right this minute.
I was so very, very wrong. I’m everything she is, and more.
No comments:
Post a Comment