december 4 - elvis has left the building

elvis has left the building
Current mood:  disappointed

the mass hysteria, the chaos, the adrenaline. all waiting for something big to happen. waiting for elvis to step out into the lobby where he signs adoring fans pictures, swivels those hips and does a few "thank you very much"s while women swoon. but it's that anticipation, the not knowing when he's coming through the door. not the actually person they are excited about. yes, elvis personifies it but it could be the beetles or joe schmo for that matter. hell, you give jo schmo enough credit and he too can become faint worthy.

well guess what folks. elvis has left my building and i'm disappointed. he was most certainly in the building at some point but he's now hit the road. oh yeah, the idea, the general concept of leaving my marriage had me on pins and needles. when, where, how, is it right, is it wrong, what will happen next. all questions without answers and they had my head lit up. virtually on fire. and there's nothing more exciting than waking yourself up with the possibilities of what could be, what will be, what won't be any longer, the good and the bad. it's a rush.

and then it happens. the bottom falls out. the reality of these decisions, these decisions that are all yours come to fruition. and sometimes things go precisely the way you thought they would. people react in a way that you expected them to respond. sometimes they go in a polar opposite direction and you are shocked and disappointed. sometimes they go no where at all and you find yourself stuck, trapped more than before. so are things working out the way i saw it in my head? fuck no. don't even really know what that looked like to begin with but this, this is not what i thought it would be.

i am ill prepared. i am not ready for what is to come. the idea of turning around and trying to get out the magic marriage eraser is so very appealing. going back to the safe place, even though it was never safe to begin with, is at the forefront of my mind. nothing is certain except what i already know. and what i know is not at all fulfilling, but i know what to expect. and right now, it would be nice to know what's waiting for me around the corner instead of being cautiously optimistic or cleverly paranoid.

so here i am. i am surrounded by people who love me, people who hate me, people who don't understand me, people who want the best for me but can't give it to me, people who want to be with me but can't because it's just too complicated. life outside of my own little world is complicated. it's devastating on all fronts. nothing is as it seems and everything is exactly the way it appears. the ups, the downs, the heartbreak, the uncertainty, the sadness, the push for something more. the irony boggles my mind.

it's all happening for a reason, right now, but let me tell you something. it's breaking me. it's breaking me into a million little jagged pieces today and i'm just not sure how to put them back together. i question if i have it in myself to put it back together. my heart breaks and i find myself lonely, lonelier and more empty than i have been in a very long time. my body aches for something but i don't know for what and it certainly seems that my soul is just a little less comfortable in my own body.

i know i'll look back on this blog, on all the entries but this one in particular, and i will remember exactly how i feel right this minute. and it does not feel good. this too shall pass and i know i'm someone who survives and perseveres. really, i do know that deep down this is painful but part of a greater picture that will be worth the initial wounds.

but right now, i'm pretty pissed that elvis left through the back door. left his waiting fans out here in the cold, without even so much as a grind of his hips. rock stars always disappoint.