sparks fly

i have some catching up to do with myself and this process that is the recovery from divorce. i could write all day and night about it and the reality would be that it will reverberate for much longer than i would like. damn ass-munch and his legacy of pain. did i mention he's a fucktard? yeah, thought so.

honestly i haven't been thinking about it much lately. why? could be that fucktard is officially ex-fucktard. maybe it's the fact that i don't have the constant worry of "what if's" around every corner. i couldn't really give a rats-ass as to why i don't think of it, i'm just enjoying the ease of my everyday. it's well deserved and a relief to have that chapter of my life behind me and behind my kids. i'm very thankful.

one of the many perks that has come from cutting that ass-munch out of my life...that term is so deplorably under used...is my ability to focus on the gifts that surround me. since mid december i have been able to enjoy my children more, my freedom more, my creativity, my ability to just sit in silence, my freedom to cry or laugh or do a little of both. it's liberating and unless you've gone through something of this magnitude, whether it be marriage, divorce, a loss, a gain, a major life change, a shift in the universe, well, i'm afraid you just don't understand. i certainly didn't until i went through it.

the best way to describe the way i'm feeling lately is the magic that happens when sparks fly. sparks fly? jeez, i want to smack myself for making such a cliche remark. romanticized bullshit, and i'm one to call bullshit without hesitation, but there's some truth in the term. sparks do indeed take flight. they ignite. they don't burn away. they spark another reaction. a combustion that is all it's own. it's the beginning of another reaction that causes yet another reaction and so on and so on. i was reminded of this today when justin was showing off his wrench turning skills by giving my car a little tlc. it's only fair since he gave my "engine" some serious attention last night. yowza! that man fucking rocks my world!!

back to the other engine...so today we took on the project of draining and replacing my oil and oil filter. i am well on my way from my position as "motorhead girlfriend" into full fledged "motorhead apprentice" and i'm totally diggin getting my hands dirty and figuring out how things tick. this is right up my alley. we, and yes i did do a little time under the hood of my car, also replaced my spark plugs. this, as it turns out, is really a rather simple task. takes some elbow grease to get those little suckers out. takes some patience and precision reinstalling them but in general it's a matter of doing the job properly.

like most ladies out there, and yes that is an incredibly chauvinistic generalization, i knew little about the power of the spark plug in relation to a vehicle's performance. for instance, i had no idea a spark plug needed to be "calibrated" to just the right distance to produce the correct spark. i had no idea that there was a scientific formula to such. I was also surprised to know that if said spark plug is not calibrated correctly that it can have an effect on how quickly and efficiently your engine starts. it's all about the proper fit, the proper calibration, that brings about that spark and eventually the combustion of fuel. fascinating really but i am trying to make a point here. just don't remember where it's gone...hey look, SQUIRREL!

as i was hovered over the engine and listening carefully to my 1-800-own-a-stud instructor, i found myself stopped in time. as if everything slowed down by a few seconds. i was savoring it. i noticed the distinguished wrinkles around justin's eyes, the velvet tone of his deep southern drawl, watching him turn his wrench, his hands beaten and weathered, appreciating the tender way he was teaching me what he knows about being a motorhead, i realized that things are starting to become calibrated, balanced for me. i have an incredibly stable, well adjusted starting point. yes, i'm still an unemployed and multi-directional artist (multi-directional sounds so much better than unfocused artsy shithead). yes, i'm still financially on shaky ground. yes, i'm still a mom who doubts her ability to raise well adjusted kids. and yes, i am still dependent on my food addiction as a means of coping. hey, miracles don't happen over night. but goddamn do i have a spark!

i can't take credit for that spark alone. nope. i owe it to my family and my friends and my beautiful children and this wonderful man with whom i am able to share my life. i'm at just the right measurement, just the right calibration to produce that spark. just the right balance of fierce passion and leveled sensibility. for the first time in my life i actually feel like i'm going to light things up for myself. it's not that i feel invincible. instead i feel like my very own catalyst. i'm not afraid of burning up. the flame is not what i need to carry. i just need to make sure that sparks fly and the rest of it will ignite on it's own. no need to worry about the rest of the steps.

i just need that one action to cause a reaction. how perfectly simple.
today i'm thankful for that gift. the gift i have in myself to know that i am that one step.
i'm the one who will make that spark fly.

i'm on the mend

i have been rather introspective lately. the changes in my life are almost too much to comprehend. i'm divorced, i'm in love, i am love, i am a burning spear. which one of those on which day is another story. it's just too fucking much to comprehend all at once. slowly starting to crawl around and see what i'm made of deep down. so in my soul searching as of late i've been inspired to write. here, there, whenever. for some reason, i wanted to post this one for posterity. sort of like holding your breath and waiting to exhale. i'm exhaling and now i can fill my lungs again. this time with virgin air. 

on the mend

 

i'm here

one more day that i've survived

i'm breathing on my own

wake me

wake me with my name

was it your voice that whispered

was it your fire against my cheek

i'm here

are you ready

dizzy spinning

wheels turning

end over end

close your eyes and stay a while

we will wander

after all

we are not permanent

set me on fire

my soul will not burn

dark and pooling

glorious and naked

the wheels come off

but i'm on the mend

stitches and glue

where does the water end

and i begin

catch it and mend it

can you catch water

i'm on the mend