july 26th...the boyfriend list

the boyfriend list
Current mood:  amused 

 

While my life remains on the fence, my children have found a way to keep me sitting tall and feeling like I'm on top of the world, even when I'm not. The other night my daughter (we will call her A) who is 9 could not sleep. She continues to have a difficult time sleeping in the same room as her little brother (we will call him B) who is almost 6. The poor child has never had to share a room with anyone, let alone a little brother who thinks that farting on command is a good thing. Needless to say she has a hard time some nights. As much as I would like her to sleep so I too can get some rest there have been some advantages to these late nights. One of those advantages are the incredibly honest and humorous conversations we have while trying to figure out how to get to sleep.

The other night we started talking about the divorce and who I would be interested in dating as soon as I'm divorced from fucktard. Little do they know that I'm already quite happy but it was so much fun to hear some of the things they think I should find attractive in a companion. Without further ado...

He must have some, if not all, of the following qualities. These are in the order in which they were blurted out and each child took turns. Some of them are outrageous and some of them are incredibly telling and sweet. As they talked, I typed. That way I would never forget what they had to say about Mommy's future romantic partner.

(A) He has to have a sense of humor.
(B) He has to be okay with bloody noses and wet paper towels (B has a bunch).
(A) You know that Daddy won't like him, right mom?
(B) He has to be really cool. Daddy will get even more anger if he's cool.
(B) He has to like wearing underpants.
(A) He has to like diet coke or at least not mind that you drink too much of it.
(A) He has to be a good looking rock star who doesn't smoke
(B) He should like playing with electrical things.
(B) He has to like books and reading.
(A) He needs to know a lot about math so he can help me with my homework.
(A) He should like all animals and nature.
(B) He should definitely like baby seals.
(B) Oh, and i have a beautiful one...he should like sweet baby kittens (said while batting his eyelashes in a squeaky voice).
(B) He should like flowers and he should give them to you sometimes.
(B) He definitely has to like aliens because they are real, right mom?
(A) He has to like Harry Potter books and movies. It would be really cool if he knew the characters so we could talk about them.
(B) He has to be super nice. If he's not then i'll throw my stinky underpants at him - and i mean it!!!
(A) He has to like soft things like our blankies and stuffed animals.
(B) He should like kids who wear underpants on their heads because we like to do that.
(A) He has to take a shower but can't take up all the hot water. No stinky guys.
(A) No lazy guys who watch too much TV (B) You mean like Daddy? (A) Yeah, Daddy is lazy.
(B) He has to like cartoons.
(A) He has to be active.
(B) He has to like the Foo Fighters.
(A) He has to like taking pictures and stuff that's artistic.
(B) His favorite number is 100.
(B) He has to like us and not be mean to us.
(A) He could work at Camp Montgomery (A's favorite sleepover summer camp).
(B) He should be nice to mommy and tell her she has big legs (B seems to believe this is a compliment).
(B) He should take care of you when you are sick. (A) Yeah, Daddy never did that. You deserve that, Mommy.
(A) He has to like kids going into kindergarten and 4th grade.
(B) He draws for Cartoon Network and then he could draw all the characters I like.
(A) He can work at Zoe's (a favorite restaurant), Wendy's or maybe Target.
(A) He should know how to cook.
(A) He should know how to fix your car since Daddy doesn't know anything about cars.
(B) He could be a skydiver.
(A) He likes to do water stuff and sports.
(A) Or he could be an Orthodontist.
(B) He likes your bras. I like the black ones, Mom.
(B) He likes soft pillows.
(B) It would be really, really cool if he could build us a haunted house.
(A) Yeah, a real big one that we can invite my friends to see at Halloween.
(B) Yeah, and maybe he could even put in spooky lights and sounds and stuff. That would be Awesome!!!
(A) It doesn't really matter to me, Mom, but he has to be nice and like the three of us and he has to be extra super nice to you.
(B) Yeah, and tell you that you're beautiful even when you don't take a shower and smell good.

I think this list pretty much speaks for itself and for the love and humor our little family shares together. All I know is that whoever ends up being able to live up to this list is a lucky man (and I would be a lucky woman with a wicked cool haunted house!). He not only gets to enjoy my company but he also gets the privilege of knowing two incredibly witty, smart, kind hearted children. And hey, if he isn't nice then he better watch out for those dirty underpants. B has one hell of an arm on him!

july 8th...what's in a name?

What's In A Name?
Current mood:fan-damn-tastic!

..............

I was just sitting here preparing to write this blog that has been in my head for the past two weeks. It’s been started, stopped, dictated and scratched. Never quite feels right. As I was thinking of how I would describe my decision to get this tattoo I came to the realization that it’s just not necessary. I honestly don’t feel like I have to defend it, considering I am a grown woman and all, so it’s not about that. It’s more about never forgetting why I decided to get this particular tattoo on this particular part of my body at this particular time in my life. However, I don’t think I’ll ever need to be reminded of the why’s and where’s. I’m not sure that I could put into words how much the damn thing means to me anyway.

Instead I want to remember what it represents to me. It represents freedom, love, perseverance, unwrapping, unfolding. This list goes on and on but one thing that it represents, without a shadow of a doubt, is being comfortable in my own skin. Iris Morning-Dew, the alter ego inspired by a ridiculously silly name generator, has become a part of me. Iris is the name of my photography business, the name of the person I found buried beneath years of pain and frustration, the name of a beautiful woman with a big heart. Just so happens that woman is me.

And so I have etched into my skin an image in the shape of a winged heart which is based on a piece by Raymond Pettibon. The name that forms the heart in the middle was designed by yours truly because I really wanted it to be my own. It might look eerily similar to one that is sported on the arm of the man who has stolen my heart but it’s really not about him. Although, according to my love, since we have somewhat matching tattoos we are now officially married in biker terms. I kind of like that idea since I don’t see either of us being the "band of gold" wearing type of married again. 

Back to my point, if I even had one...

Granted, I never would have realized who Iris really was without him but it’s more than just finding love. We were just talking the other day and I told him that I have been loved before and felt loved by those men. But not once, out of all of those men who I loved in return, have I ever believed what they were saying. There’s an enormous difference between being loved by someone else and loving yourself. But when you find someone who actually helps you love yourself, well, there isn’t anything better. That is precisely what this wonderful man has done for me.

He has helped me appreciate and love me. As is, no questions asked. I think I’ve stated before that I’m not sure that I believe in soul mates and I still stand behind that statement. Maybe. But when you find a person who stirs your soul the way he has for me, you can’t imagine your life without them.

And so it begins. Life doesn’t wait for everything to be just right and just so. After all, I’m still married, jobless, lacking real direction but like I said, life doesn’t wait around for a perfect time. Instead it decides where to take you and you have no choice but to steer yourself in that general direction. I feel like the end of a chapter is nearing and the beginning of a happier one is just beginning. I don’t know what my future will hold but I’m going into it with something I have never had before. I have a sense of appreciation and love for me.

My name is Iris and I am fan-damn-tastic!

july 8th...flip that switch!

flip that switch!
Current mood:  imaginative

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It’s dark in here. Can anyone help me turn the lights back on? I’m starting to get a little frightened. What’s that you say? The light switch can only be reached by me and me alone? But can’t you just do it for me? The switch is right next to you. No? You can’t? Well then I’m fucked!

That about sums up the way I felt a few weeks ago. It was dark and lonely and no matter what I did, or what the people who love me did, I could not flip that fucking switch. As hard as I tried to pull myself up and out nothing seemed to work. Until I hit the bottom. Granted, I’ve been lower. Fuck, I’ve been with a narcissistic control freak for 14 years. I know a thing or two about hitting the bottom. The difference was that this time around I was the only person who could do anything about it. I have a penchant for being able to hide behind all sorts of things and people to avoid the real issues. I’ve got talent that way!

It’s unusual for me to stay “down” as long as I did this time. Then again, I'm surprised it took this long to happen. I always have highs and lows, just like most people with depression and anxiety, but it’s rare that the episodes last for more than a day or two tops. Alleluia for Zoloft!

This time I think the straw that broke the camels back was a 1-2 punch. The first punch came in the form of rest. By rest I mean honest to goodness physical recharging and care. Hell, I still wake up and don’t feel like I’ve slept well but it is getting better all the time. The second punch was the emotional exhaustion. I was running on empty, didn’t feel like I had anything left to give anyone else let alone myself and I was certain that this was the end of what little fight I had in me. Although both of those things contributed, it wasn’t just that. It wasn’t one thing in particular that caused it and it wasn’t one thing in particular that helped turn it around. Instead it’s all just a balancing act between madness and the ability to cope with the madness. I gave up on thinking that life wasn’t made up of madness long ago and now am just happy to be able to cope with it.  

Thankfully the darkness has been replaced with rainbows and sunshine. I feel like I’m all aglow! Hell, I half expect a unicorn to come galloping by soon. I feel like I radiate goodness. The reality is that I probably look no different than I did a month ago but I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted. I was faced with a sobering reality. The reality was a look in the mirror, and not in the physical sense. I mean a real, honest to goodness peeling back of insecurities, inadequacies, failures, all of which led to a very dark place and now one of incredible light.

What I found was that behind all of the darkness was a real inner light….stay with me here since I’m going all hippie on your ass…. Seems that I’ve been hiding behind all the negative opinions I have of myself and what sits below the surface is a woman who knows something about self worth, integrity, honesty and preservation. I value myself, deep down, value who and what I have become. I’m me. That’s it and I can’t give anything else. Feels good to see some light in the dark…don’t you just love it when you find the dad-gum switch?