july 8th...flip that switch!

flip that switch!
Current mood:  imaginative

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It’s dark in here. Can anyone help me turn the lights back on? I’m starting to get a little frightened. What’s that you say? The light switch can only be reached by me and me alone? But can’t you just do it for me? The switch is right next to you. No? You can’t? Well then I’m fucked!

That about sums up the way I felt a few weeks ago. It was dark and lonely and no matter what I did, or what the people who love me did, I could not flip that fucking switch. As hard as I tried to pull myself up and out nothing seemed to work. Until I hit the bottom. Granted, I’ve been lower. Fuck, I’ve been with a narcissistic control freak for 14 years. I know a thing or two about hitting the bottom. The difference was that this time around I was the only person who could do anything about it. I have a penchant for being able to hide behind all sorts of things and people to avoid the real issues. I’ve got talent that way!

It’s unusual for me to stay “down” as long as I did this time. Then again, I'm surprised it took this long to happen. I always have highs and lows, just like most people with depression and anxiety, but it’s rare that the episodes last for more than a day or two tops. Alleluia for Zoloft!

This time I think the straw that broke the camels back was a 1-2 punch. The first punch came in the form of rest. By rest I mean honest to goodness physical recharging and care. Hell, I still wake up and don’t feel like I’ve slept well but it is getting better all the time. The second punch was the emotional exhaustion. I was running on empty, didn’t feel like I had anything left to give anyone else let alone myself and I was certain that this was the end of what little fight I had in me. Although both of those things contributed, it wasn’t just that. It wasn’t one thing in particular that caused it and it wasn’t one thing in particular that helped turn it around. Instead it’s all just a balancing act between madness and the ability to cope with the madness. I gave up on thinking that life wasn’t made up of madness long ago and now am just happy to be able to cope with it.  

Thankfully the darkness has been replaced with rainbows and sunshine. I feel like I’m all aglow! Hell, I half expect a unicorn to come galloping by soon. I feel like I radiate goodness. The reality is that I probably look no different than I did a month ago but I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted. I was faced with a sobering reality. The reality was a look in the mirror, and not in the physical sense. I mean a real, honest to goodness peeling back of insecurities, inadequacies, failures, all of which led to a very dark place and now one of incredible light.

What I found was that behind all of the darkness was a real inner light….stay with me here since I’m going all hippie on your ass…. Seems that I’ve been hiding behind all the negative opinions I have of myself and what sits below the surface is a woman who knows something about self worth, integrity, honesty and preservation. I value myself, deep down, value who and what I have become. I’m me. That’s it and I can’t give anything else. Feels good to see some light in the dark…don’t you just love it when you find the dad-gum switch?