june 22nd...i need (fill in the blank)

i need (fill in the blank)
Current mood:  frustrated 

I saw my therapist yesterday and we discussed several topics, which is usually the case. The thing that came up time and time again is my lack of direction. I’m not talking about lack of motivation or lack of long and short term goals, just simply direction.

I’ll give you an example. Over the past several weekends I have had more time to myself than usual. Instead of putting that time to use, whether to be productive or to just relax and have some me time, I sit idle. Best way to describe it. It’s not lazy, it’s not a mile a minute (which is my usual temperament) but instead I become simply idle. Unable to do things but my motor is running the entire time. It makes for a very stressful internal struggle. It’s beginning to take its toll on me and I am not my usual self.

For whatever reason, whether it is that the last year has been non-stop or because the stress involved in such has been overwhelming, I have not had a lot of down time. Now, suddenly, things are beginning to level out just a smidge. The kids are doing some summer camps here and there, there is a visitation schedule in place, both kids will be in elementary school in august which frees up an enormous amount of time for me to pursue my own interests, the divorce seems to be coming to an inevitable end instead of a looming one and I am finally feeling a little freedom.

That’s it. It’s the freedom. What the fuck am I suppose to do with that? I have longed for it and now I’m beginning to see it come to fruition. But what the hell do I do with it? Huh? I have made it out of a toxic environment with the help of so many great people. I am surrounding myself with nothing but an incredible support system. I am having fun. I am so deeply in love and loved in return that I feel like I might burst. I am being a good mother and a friend and a daughter and a human being. But when it comes to me deciding what I should do, I’m lost. Completely, utterly, significantly lost!

Sue, the head shrinker extraordinaire, asked me yesterday what I “need” to feel like myself. Do I need more time with the kids, less time, more support, more accountability, more structure, more face time with the man who has stolen my heart, what is it that I need to feel comfortable? Great fucking question except that I can’t answer it to save my life!

What the hell do I need anyway? I have a pretty good idea of what I want. I want to live a full life surrounded by people who love and appreciate me. I want to make a difference in my children’s lives and set an example of what it means to enjoy your life, not just live it. I want to be creative and expressive. I want something that resembles health and vitality restored to this body. I want freedom from this goddamn fucking eating disorder. I want his love. I want to be able to make my own way and my own decisions. I want my life.

All of that is well and good but how the hell do I get there? How do I figure out what I need? This one might be a tougher nut to crack than the “I want” list but I have a feeling that if I don’t get the “I need” sorted out, the “I want” becomes unattainable. I’ve made it too far to give up now but this balancing act that I’m trying to find is elusive and some days seems out of reach.

Too far to give up now….too far.