Current mood:desperate
yesterday was yesterday, thank god, and today is a new day. i've made it a better one but felt like i needed to post this as a reminder of how low it got yesterday. how low i felt and how desperately i wanted some clarity. i did finally get some clarity, although it still didn't come during that silence. it came during another period of stillness....sleep. but that's another blog entirely.
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Do you ever just sit in silence? I use to do it all the time. I was especially fond of the quiet time when I was a child. Sounds odd but I loved being with my own thoughts, and mine alone, even at a young age. Over the past several years, I have all but forgotten what that silence feels like.
The quiet is more powerful than any words can hold for me. I find great comfort in the deafening nothing. It is and always has been the one way to get down to the heart of an issue, whether it’s good or bad. It has no choice but to spring forward and reveal the truth. Today was an especially quiet day. I had time to myself, too much time I’m afraid, and now I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted.
The old adage that silence is deafening couldn’t be truer than it is right now. I am quiet, I am still and yet nothing is coming forward. Perhaps I’m not being quiet enough? That must be the problem. Or maybe the chaos is drowning out the sound of nothing. I thought the quiet was just a noise all its own but now it is meshing with my sacred silence. Damn noise…who got peanut butter on my chocolate? Who got chocolate on my peanut butter?
I am simply not able to peel away this mask of discontent. What do I do now? Eat? Shop? Pray? Talk? Is giving up on the silence running away or is it simply giving up on something that’s not working properly? One way or another, the quiet seems lonely and hollow. It isn’t bringing me pleasure. It isn’t bringing me clarity. It isn’t restoring me and I need it desperately. Instead it’s washing through me, not over me. I just want that blanket of silence to cover me and clean me.
Don’t let me down stillness. I need you now more than ever!
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