Current mood:
awake define "grown up"? seems like an easy enough thing to do.
until you have to look in the mirror and see something unexpected. that's right. i am a grown up. i don't feel like it most of the time but the fact of the matter is that by definition that is a precise depiction of the person looking back at me. i am a fucking grown up. yes, i still laugh at farts....they are funny. and i still love to color with crayons. i still love to run in the rain and dance around like a goof and i still love to snuggle with a favorite stuffed animal or pillow. okay, that's just a little strange but still, does that make me a child? i don't think so.
but what makes me a grown up? that's the question i've been asking myself for the past few days. i had a conversation last weekend with switch that asked a similar question and it really got my wheels turning. is it the chronological aging process? or maybe it's the fact that i'm a parent? perhaps it hinges on taking responsibility for your actions?
chronologically i think of myself as very young in this life. i also believe that there is a good chance that my soul will carry on long after i'm gone so this sort of dismisses any real aging process. however, i am a young 37 and feel like my life is just really beginning to blossom. i feel childlike, free, wild and inspired.
which leads me to the next question. am i an adult because i am a parent? well, there's no doubt that becoming a parent for me personally was life altering and was reality slapping me in the face. honestly, i do think that being a parent causes you to grow up quickly but i don't think it defines you as an "adult".
responsibility making you a grown up? nah. i don't buy it. i was a responsible child. responsible for my actions, took the blame when blame was due and wasn't afraid of consequences. nope, i don't think a ten year old can be called a grown up. just a responsible kid.
for me it's not about owning a house, having a highly successful job, packing my savings account to the brim for a "rainy day". it's not about getting married. it's not about becoming a parent. it's not about giving up childish interests for more adult hobbies. it's not about the successes and failures in my short life. nope. i think it's more about becoming aware. aware of your life. aware and awake and alive in the way that you live. stay with me here....let's see if i can make sense of that statement.
being a grown up is not about responsibility or duty. it's not about what you have but about what you don't need. i don't need bullshit. i don't need drama. i don't need people in my life who make me feel like less of a person to make themselves feel like something more. i have self respect (okay maybe not so much but i'm working on it). i make decisions. some good, some bad. but they are my decisions to make. this is my life to live. my parents can't live it for me, my children can't live it for me. hell, the love of my life can't live it for me. it's mine. all mine. for the taking, for the abusing, for the living.
i am aware of this life i live. i'm aware that with every breath i get just a little closer to the end of this existence. and that awareness, the fact that i acknowledge that my time is limited is what makes me feel alive. it makes it real. it makes it grown up. and that's precisely what i have become. i have grown. i will keep growing. i will keep moving forward. i will keep moving up. until one day there is no where else to go. and those will be my final breaths.
what is this life without questioning, without giving, without wonder, without exploration and discovery? i don't call that a life at all. certainly not one that is growing. or one that is grown up.
until you have to look in the mirror and see something unexpected. that's right. i am a grown up. i don't feel like it most of the time but the fact of the matter is that by definition that is a precise depiction of the person looking back at me. i am a fucking grown up. yes, i still laugh at farts....they are funny. and i still love to color with crayons. i still love to run in the rain and dance around like a goof and i still love to snuggle with a favorite stuffed animal or pillow. okay, that's just a little strange but still, does that make me a child? i don't think so.
but what makes me a grown up? that's the question i've been asking myself for the past few days. i had a conversation last weekend with switch that asked a similar question and it really got my wheels turning. is it the chronological aging process? or maybe it's the fact that i'm a parent? perhaps it hinges on taking responsibility for your actions?
chronologically i think of myself as very young in this life. i also believe that there is a good chance that my soul will carry on long after i'm gone so this sort of dismisses any real aging process. however, i am a young 37 and feel like my life is just really beginning to blossom. i feel childlike, free, wild and inspired.
which leads me to the next question. am i an adult because i am a parent? well, there's no doubt that becoming a parent for me personally was life altering and was reality slapping me in the face. honestly, i do think that being a parent causes you to grow up quickly but i don't think it defines you as an "adult".
responsibility making you a grown up? nah. i don't buy it. i was a responsible child. responsible for my actions, took the blame when blame was due and wasn't afraid of consequences. nope, i don't think a ten year old can be called a grown up. just a responsible kid.
for me it's not about owning a house, having a highly successful job, packing my savings account to the brim for a "rainy day". it's not about getting married. it's not about becoming a parent. it's not about giving up childish interests for more adult hobbies. it's not about the successes and failures in my short life. nope. i think it's more about becoming aware. aware of your life. aware and awake and alive in the way that you live. stay with me here....let's see if i can make sense of that statement.
being a grown up is not about responsibility or duty. it's not about what you have but about what you don't need. i don't need bullshit. i don't need drama. i don't need people in my life who make me feel like less of a person to make themselves feel like something more. i have self respect (okay maybe not so much but i'm working on it). i make decisions. some good, some bad. but they are my decisions to make. this is my life to live. my parents can't live it for me, my children can't live it for me. hell, the love of my life can't live it for me. it's mine. all mine. for the taking, for the abusing, for the living.
i am aware of this life i live. i'm aware that with every breath i get just a little closer to the end of this existence. and that awareness, the fact that i acknowledge that my time is limited is what makes me feel alive. it makes it real. it makes it grown up. and that's precisely what i have become. i have grown. i will keep growing. i will keep moving forward. i will keep moving up. until one day there is no where else to go. and those will be my final breaths.
what is this life without questioning, without giving, without wonder, without exploration and discovery? i don't call that a life at all. certainly not one that is growing. or one that is grown up.
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