Current mood:
uncomfortable ..............
My life is a jumbled mess right now. Plain and simple. I can think of about a dozen different euphemisms to help describe just how chaotic and twisted my day to day existence has become. Instead I will liken it to something I find familiar.
The color wheel.
That’s right. The wheel o’color is a symbol, at least to me, of what order might look like. The order, the simplicity, the beauty of this lovely little chart lies in the primary colors next to the secondary, the tertiary and the complimentary, the clear values and hues all waiting to be mixed just so. That simple circle of pie shaped goodness holds the key to every color imaginable. The possibilities of hues and variations are endless yet they remain individually contained. I like it!
Unfortunately, my color wheel looks a bit like a child’s play thing. My reds have been invaded with green and I now have a putrid shade of shithead brown. My blacks and blues have meshed and I can no longer tell where one color begins and the other ends. It’s like paint by numbers. The painting calls for color #2 but when you look in your palette it’s empty. What’s an artist to do? Improvise. So I reach for the cadmium blue instead. This will do nicely. But then I squeeze it from the tube and it’s a shade of puce instead. Who fucked with my paint!
Now riddle me this…How am I suppose to paint a masterpiece when nothing, absolutely nothing is what it should be? Everything I reach for is taken away or switch out for something less. The very product is compromised when you don’t have the proper tools to do the job. Now what the fuck do you expect me to do with this fucked up non-color? Is the entire canvas to look like this and be considered a masterpiece? Now what?
Chaotic, messy, out of order, out of sorts and all around muddy is how it feels right now. I constantly have to change my environment, my attitude, my schedule, my expectations. I am being asked on a regular basis to live with no order or grounding. I feel like so much of this is transient. I don’t fair well with temporary situations. I like to know where I stand. There are days when I feel like my very own well being is compromised. I’m tired, I’m overworked, I’m struggling, I’m fed up, I’m filled with angst, I'm happy yet dreading what might take that happiness away at any moment, without warning. The bottom line is that I am being forced to compromise who I am for what I want. How do you make a deal with the devil and not end up in hell?
Fortunately, or unfortunately, I don’t have the down time to feel too sorry for myself...minus this hear blogosphere, which is becoming redundantly filled with the woe-is-me syndrome. Perhaps it is that lack of time that is keeping me from being sucked into the vortex of self pity. It also seems to be keeping me from getting a restful night sleep too…but I can sleep when I’m dead, right?
Alas, tomorrow I will pull myself up by my bootstraps and try to clean up this palette. The orange simply can’t touch the blue anymore or there will just be no hope of pulling out a nice shade of robins’ egg when it comes time to paint the sky. I’m tired of everything being gray and drab. I want my fucking colors back, in order, where they belong, the way I want them.
Sometime you just need that clear delineation between black and white. Now is one of those times.
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