Current mood:
exhausted can i open my eyes yet? is it over finally? please just let me know when it's safe to look again?
THAT'S HOW IT FEELS!!!! i just want to fall into a deep sleep, unaware of anything that's happening around me and be woken by my prince charming with a passionate kiss. when i awake, all i want to hear is that i'm loved and that everything is safe again. i want it restored. i want to BE restored.
my tank is on empty, i'm running on reserves and today i hit a wall. an enormous, gigantic, hard wall and the funny part is that i didn't even see it coming. it literally jumped out in front of me and instead of putting on the brakes, i sped up to meet the fucker! the wall, as it turns out, was a compound of four elements. 1. not enough sleep 2. lack of focus 3. air conditioning out 4. food
let's start at the first item...sleep. so there have been a few nights here and there that have provided me with a restful night sleep but honestly, i can count them on my digits. additionally, they likely involved some intoxication and passionate sex, neither of which i have had this week. thankfully it's only wednesday so i won't count it out just yet. so i'm exhausted, physically and mentally, and as hard as i try to get to sleep on time, i find it impossible to sleep.
part two of my demise...focus. i couldn't focus on one task today. not even for a few minutes. it was as if i were on fire the entire day. bouncing here to there to here to there to god knows where. and i was in such a rush. not my usual scattered about, running around kind of rush but there was a sense of urgency in everything today yet i got nothing "finished". fuck!
the third part has me pissed....air conditioning. it's fucking 100F out and my A/C can't make up it's mind as to what it wants to do. one minute it's working beautifully, cooling us all off so nicely and the next minute it's spewing hot air. not exactly a great combo when there's a heat index of 107F. add to that two small children on summer break in a cozy apartment and we were all at our wits end. we thought it was resolved, after the A/C guy was here, but alas, it's decided to act up again. oh joy!!!
part four is just sad....food. i fucking hate food. i hate having to make decisions about what goes in my mouth - keep the dirty jokes, folks. i have no problem deciding what to put in my mouth as far as that's concerned. what i do find frustrating is picking nourishment. instead i go for the comfort, as usual, and end up making poor choices. they don't even feel like choices. it's a drug and right now i can't stop being a junkie. meanwhile i'm working out and getting in shape but i can't beat this demon called my eating disorder. makes everything else just seem magnified. the frustration is insurmountable!
around 5 o'clock today the wall went up. and when it did, i hit the floor hard. i couldn't help but cry. and when i cried, i kept on crying. and then i cried some more. two hours later i finally stopped. thankfully my wonderful mother lives a few blocks away, whisked my children to dinner and some play time with grandma. she saved my ass. i didn't want the kids to see me like this. granted, they've seen this old broad cry before and i have no shame in that but this took me over.
we all know i'm under an enormous amount of stress and pressure. we all know that there is no one who could do it all. so i'm not delusional thinking that there is a woman, or man for that matter, out there who wouldn't crack at one point or another given the same environment but FUCK THIS!!! i'm exhausted with being exhausted. i'm frustrated with being frustrated. i'm angry that i'm angry. and most of all i'm disappointed in being disappointed. can't i just fall into that deep sleep already and wake to a fairy tale. i just want the disney moving ending, is that too much to ask?
it is entirely too much to ask and it's not even what i really want. what would i learn from all of that time asleep anyway? i'll tell you what. nothing. absolutely nothing and unless i'm delving into some new part of me, then i'm bound to what i am right now. and right now, i ain't too happy. you know what i really want? i really just want to have a moment of clarity, a moment of silence, a moment where i can reconnect with the person underneath all this mess. just a moment so i can get my center back, so i can feel my purpose again. so i can feel something hopeful again. i need to be restored.
THAT'S HOW IT FEELS!!!! i just want to fall into a deep sleep, unaware of anything that's happening around me and be woken by my prince charming with a passionate kiss. when i awake, all i want to hear is that i'm loved and that everything is safe again. i want it restored. i want to BE restored.
my tank is on empty, i'm running on reserves and today i hit a wall. an enormous, gigantic, hard wall and the funny part is that i didn't even see it coming. it literally jumped out in front of me and instead of putting on the brakes, i sped up to meet the fucker! the wall, as it turns out, was a compound of four elements. 1. not enough sleep 2. lack of focus 3. air conditioning out 4. food
let's start at the first item...sleep. so there have been a few nights here and there that have provided me with a restful night sleep but honestly, i can count them on my digits. additionally, they likely involved some intoxication and passionate sex, neither of which i have had this week. thankfully it's only wednesday so i won't count it out just yet. so i'm exhausted, physically and mentally, and as hard as i try to get to sleep on time, i find it impossible to sleep.
part two of my demise...focus. i couldn't focus on one task today. not even for a few minutes. it was as if i were on fire the entire day. bouncing here to there to here to there to god knows where. and i was in such a rush. not my usual scattered about, running around kind of rush but there was a sense of urgency in everything today yet i got nothing "finished". fuck!
the third part has me pissed....air conditioning. it's fucking 100F out and my A/C can't make up it's mind as to what it wants to do. one minute it's working beautifully, cooling us all off so nicely and the next minute it's spewing hot air. not exactly a great combo when there's a heat index of 107F. add to that two small children on summer break in a cozy apartment and we were all at our wits end. we thought it was resolved, after the A/C guy was here, but alas, it's decided to act up again. oh joy!!!
part four is just sad....food. i fucking hate food. i hate having to make decisions about what goes in my mouth - keep the dirty jokes, folks. i have no problem deciding what to put in my mouth as far as that's concerned. what i do find frustrating is picking nourishment. instead i go for the comfort, as usual, and end up making poor choices. they don't even feel like choices. it's a drug and right now i can't stop being a junkie. meanwhile i'm working out and getting in shape but i can't beat this demon called my eating disorder. makes everything else just seem magnified. the frustration is insurmountable!
around 5 o'clock today the wall went up. and when it did, i hit the floor hard. i couldn't help but cry. and when i cried, i kept on crying. and then i cried some more. two hours later i finally stopped. thankfully my wonderful mother lives a few blocks away, whisked my children to dinner and some play time with grandma. she saved my ass. i didn't want the kids to see me like this. granted, they've seen this old broad cry before and i have no shame in that but this took me over.
we all know i'm under an enormous amount of stress and pressure. we all know that there is no one who could do it all. so i'm not delusional thinking that there is a woman, or man for that matter, out there who wouldn't crack at one point or another given the same environment but FUCK THIS!!! i'm exhausted with being exhausted. i'm frustrated with being frustrated. i'm angry that i'm angry. and most of all i'm disappointed in being disappointed. can't i just fall into that deep sleep already and wake to a fairy tale. i just want the disney moving ending, is that too much to ask?
it is entirely too much to ask and it's not even what i really want. what would i learn from all of that time asleep anyway? i'll tell you what. nothing. absolutely nothing and unless i'm delving into some new part of me, then i'm bound to what i am right now. and right now, i ain't too happy. you know what i really want? i really just want to have a moment of clarity, a moment of silence, a moment where i can reconnect with the person underneath all this mess. just a moment so i can get my center back, so i can feel my purpose again. so i can feel something hopeful again. i need to be restored.
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