Current mood:
amused While my life remains on the fence, my children have found a way to keep me sitting tall and feeling like I'm on top of the world, even when I'm not. The other night my daughter (we will call her A) who is 9 could not sleep. She continues to have a difficult time sleeping in the same room as her little brother (we will call him B) who is almost 6. The poor child has never had to share a room with anyone, let alone a little brother who thinks that farting on command is a good thing. Needless to say she has a hard time some nights. As much as I would like her to sleep so I too can get some rest there have been some advantages to these late nights. One of those advantages are the incredibly honest and humorous conversations we have while trying to figure out how to get to sleep.
The other night we started talking about the divorce and who I would be interested in dating as soon as I'm divorced from fucktard. Little do they know that I'm already quite happy but it was so much fun to hear some of the things they think I should find attractive in a companion. Without further ado...
He must have some, if not all, of the following qualities. These are in the order in which they were blurted out and each child took turns. Some of them are outrageous and some of them are incredibly telling and sweet. As they talked, I typed. That way I would never forget what they had to say about Mommy's future romantic partner.
(A) He has to have a sense of humor.
(B) He has to be okay with bloody noses and wet paper towels (B has a bunch).
(A) You know that Daddy won't like him, right mom?
(B) He has to be really cool. Daddy will get even more anger if he's cool.
(B) He has to like wearing underpants.
(A) He has to like diet coke or at least not mind that you drink too much of it.
(A) He has to be a good looking rock star who doesn't smoke
(B) He should like playing with electrical things.
(B) He has to like books and reading.
(A) He needs to know a lot about math so he can help me with my homework.
(A) He should like all animals and nature.
(B) He should definitely like baby seals.
(B) Oh, and i have a beautiful one...he should like sweet baby kittens (said while batting his eyelashes in a squeaky voice).
(B) He should like flowers and he should give them to you sometimes.
(B) He definitely has to like aliens because they are real, right mom?
(A) He has to like Harry Potter books and movies. It would be really cool if he knew the characters so we could talk about them.
(B) He has to be super nice. If he's not then i'll throw my stinky underpants at him - and i mean it!!!
(A) He has to like soft things like our blankies and stuffed animals.
(B) He should like kids who wear underpants on their heads because we like to do that.
(A) He has to take a shower but can't take up all the hot water. No stinky guys.
(A) No lazy guys who watch too much TV (B) You mean like Daddy? (A) Yeah, Daddy is lazy.
(B) He has to like cartoons.
(A) He has to be active.
(B) He has to like the Foo Fighters.
(A) He has to like taking pictures and stuff that's artistic.
(B) His favorite number is 100.
(B) He has to like us and not be mean to us.
(A) He could work at Camp Montgomery (A's favorite sleepover summer camp).
(B) He should be nice to mommy and tell her she has big legs (B seems to believe this is a compliment).
(B) He should take care of you when you are sick. (A) Yeah, Daddy never did that. You deserve that, Mommy.
(A) He has to like kids going into kindergarten and 4th grade.
(B) He draws for Cartoon Network and then he could draw all the characters I like.
(A) He can work at Zoe's (a favorite restaurant), Wendy's or maybe Target.
(A) He should know how to cook.
(A) He should know how to fix your car since Daddy doesn't know anything about cars.
(B) He could be a skydiver.
(A) He likes to do water stuff and sports.
(A) Or he could be an Orthodontist.
(B) He likes your bras. I like the black ones, Mom.
(B) He likes soft pillows.
(B) It would be really, really cool if he could build us a haunted house.
(A) Yeah, a real big one that we can invite my friends to see at Halloween.
(B) Yeah, and maybe he could even put in spooky lights and sounds and stuff. That would be Awesome!!!
(A) It doesn't really matter to me, Mom, but he has to be nice and like the three of us and he has to be extra super nice to you.
(B) Yeah, and tell you that you're beautiful even when you don't take a shower and smell good.
I think this list pretty much speaks for itself and for the love and humor our little family shares together. All I know is that whoever ends up being able to live up to this list is a lucky man (and I would be a lucky woman with a wicked cool haunted house!). He not only gets to enjoy my company but he also gets the privilege of knowing two incredibly witty, smart, kind hearted children. And hey, if he isn't nice then he better watch out for those dirty underpants. B has one hell of an arm on him!
The other night we started talking about the divorce and who I would be interested in dating as soon as I'm divorced from fucktard. Little do they know that I'm already quite happy but it was so much fun to hear some of the things they think I should find attractive in a companion. Without further ado...
He must have some, if not all, of the following qualities. These are in the order in which they were blurted out and each child took turns. Some of them are outrageous and some of them are incredibly telling and sweet. As they talked, I typed. That way I would never forget what they had to say about Mommy's future romantic partner.
(A) He has to have a sense of humor.
(B) He has to be okay with bloody noses and wet paper towels (B has a bunch).
(A) You know that Daddy won't like him, right mom?
(B) He has to be really cool. Daddy will get even more anger if he's cool.
(B) He has to like wearing underpants.
(A) He has to like diet coke or at least not mind that you drink too much of it.
(A) He has to be a good looking rock star who doesn't smoke
(B) He should like playing with electrical things.
(B) He has to like books and reading.
(A) He needs to know a lot about math so he can help me with my homework.
(A) He should like all animals and nature.
(B) He should definitely like baby seals.
(B) Oh, and i have a beautiful one...he should like sweet baby kittens (said while batting his eyelashes in a squeaky voice).
(B) He should like flowers and he should give them to you sometimes.
(B) He definitely has to like aliens because they are real, right mom?
(A) He has to like Harry Potter books and movies. It would be really cool if he knew the characters so we could talk about them.
(B) He has to be super nice. If he's not then i'll throw my stinky underpants at him - and i mean it!!!
(A) He has to like soft things like our blankies and stuffed animals.
(B) He should like kids who wear underpants on their heads because we like to do that.
(A) He has to take a shower but can't take up all the hot water. No stinky guys.
(A) No lazy guys who watch too much TV (B) You mean like Daddy? (A) Yeah, Daddy is lazy.
(B) He has to like cartoons.
(A) He has to be active.
(B) He has to like the Foo Fighters.
(A) He has to like taking pictures and stuff that's artistic.
(B) His favorite number is 100.
(B) He has to like us and not be mean to us.
(A) He could work at Camp Montgomery (A's favorite sleepover summer camp).
(B) He should be nice to mommy and tell her she has big legs (B seems to believe this is a compliment).
(B) He should take care of you when you are sick. (A) Yeah, Daddy never did that. You deserve that, Mommy.
(A) He has to like kids going into kindergarten and 4th grade.
(B) He draws for Cartoon Network and then he could draw all the characters I like.
(A) He can work at Zoe's (a favorite restaurant), Wendy's or maybe Target.
(A) He should know how to cook.
(A) He should know how to fix your car since Daddy doesn't know anything about cars.
(B) He could be a skydiver.
(A) He likes to do water stuff and sports.
(A) Or he could be an Orthodontist.
(B) He likes your bras. I like the black ones, Mom.
(B) He likes soft pillows.
(B) It would be really, really cool if he could build us a haunted house.
(A) Yeah, a real big one that we can invite my friends to see at Halloween.
(B) Yeah, and maybe he could even put in spooky lights and sounds and stuff. That would be Awesome!!!
(A) It doesn't really matter to me, Mom, but he has to be nice and like the three of us and he has to be extra super nice to you.
(B) Yeah, and tell you that you're beautiful even when you don't take a shower and smell good.
I think this list pretty much speaks for itself and for the love and humor our little family shares together. All I know is that whoever ends up being able to live up to this list is a lucky man (and I would be a lucky woman with a wicked cool haunted house!). He not only gets to enjoy my company but he also gets the privilege of knowing two incredibly witty, smart, kind hearted children. And hey, if he isn't nice then he better watch out for those dirty underpants. B has one hell of an arm on him!
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