Current mood:
confident your kind, sweet, gentle love. your compliments and compromise. you give it freely today. like a spigot that can't be turned off. i am perfect in your eyes. you are supportive and kind, tender with your words. today you are the person i fell in love with so many years ago. today you are the person i hoped i would be with for the rest of my life. fred astaire, is that you?
days like today, when you have tender eyes and warm humor, i question if this is right. am i doing the right thing by leaving 14 years with you behind? i question how i ever stopped loving you. i question if you are truly where i need to be. i question my desires for something more than what you can afford me. i question it all. your familiarity, your willingness to make things right is so strong. i can taste you, see you, feel you, hear you. i put up ornaments on the tree and they remind me of a time and place with you. you will do anything to convince me that you are something you are not. you will do anything to convince yourself that i am the only thing you want. you will do everything to convince me that i am better off with you than without you.
well, i don't need your apathy. i don't need it. i don't want it. the pain is too great and too real. it was born long ago and cannot be contained. i can't be contained. i don't hate you. truth be told, i love you very much. that's why it's so hard. but i resent you. i resent your tireless efforts to make things right long after they were wrong. i am tired of arguing my way through life with someone who doesn't respect my opinions. doesn't respect me. doesn't respect my decisions or my passion.
that's precisely who i am. passion incarnate and you know what? i've always been more than you can handle. i'm more than i can handle most of the time and i like it. i am full, ready, overflowing and intense. and fuck you. fuck you for not being able to see that excess within me is good. the excess in me is beautiful, happy, hot, flickering, explosive, creative, and somewhat unpredictable. i am just fine, just perfectly perfect the way i am. dare i say that i fucking rock? oh yeah, i went there.
leave this other persona of yours alone. i don't know where he's been all these years. i do find him to be quite enjoyable, lovable, just what i always wanted from you but i've fallen for it too many times. it's a lovely little dance you do, mr. astaire, and i enjoy watching but please don't ask me to dance. i'm not ginger rogers anymore.
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