december 14, 2009

The monsters in the closet are real....

Current mood: bullied

I’ve come to realize a few things in my short 37 years. Trust me on this one. This list will undoubtedly bore some of you and if it does, well, fuck you. Sorry, I’m in a punchy mood tonight and just can't tolerate any more bullshit. I’m knee deep in it at home and tired of the stench.

These little thoughts are probably nothing profound or significant to anyone besides me. Hell, I don’t know that they hold much importance to me either but they sound good to me right now. I’m likely looking like a serious tool. Could be the Monday evening cocktails that aren't generally part of my repetoire. Just gonna blame it on the booze....

But right now I’m trying to ground myself, reinvent my belief system, rediscover, recharge, regroup and this is a good distraction. It’s called the human experience, perception, reality, proportionate upon your unique circumstances. My own circumstances are currently, well, fucked in a really fucking fucked up fucking way. Profanity makes my tongue happy.

So I’ve taken it upon myself to come up with a list of the few things of which I feel confident. Most are just silly musings but, well, I’m feeling quirky and need a good belly laugh.

Without further ado or wavering…

1. On a deep down level, I am scared of myself. There are times that I feel like I can’t handle myself so how will anyone else?

2. I fucking love peanut butter. When I drink a wee bit too much, feel my blood sugar plummet or when it’s Africa hot outside (I know, weird right) I grab a large spoon, dig into that jar and walk around with what my family refers to as a peanut butter spoon. Apparently I have been doing this since I was a toddler and still find myself revert to it in times of peanut butter crisis.

3. Tanning is not and never will be a part of my existence.

4. Never say never…..except for the tanning.

5. I cannot turn off my brain, ever. I remember even as a young child sitting up at night thinking of hair brained ideas and lists of “to do’s”. As I’ve become older, it has lead to a great deal of debilitating anxiety. Good news is that I’m starting to mellow out a bit thanks to a certain someone who has shown me that doing one thing at a time, doing it well and doing it with your all is most certainly a lovely way to approach life.

6. I dream in color. Always in vivid, touchable color.

7. If you cross me, truly cross me with malicious intent, I will forgive you but will not be crossed again.

8. IOU’s don’t mean shit to me and I take them as words with no merit. Shit or get off the pot! I have things to do.

9. I am cautiously optimistic but miss my youthful, full on, electrifying optimism.

10. I don’t give myself enough credit where credit is due. Instead, I have a knack for undermining and demeaning self dialogue.

11. Art = Me

12. The monsters in the closet are real. You just don’t see them until they are backed into a corner. Then they are far worse than anything you could imagine.

13. It is safe to say that my sexual response system is in overdrive 24/7. I am 37 so it could be related to my “sexual peak”. However, I am of the belief that I am simply a sexually charged person and have learned to embrace it. Also helps having a yummy man to take along for the ride…no pun intended!

14. Love is real and attainable.

15. Marriage is not about compromise or unconditional love. It’s about many things but those two things are simply illusions to help us sleep better at night.

16. Music moves me and I’m envious of folks who can make it so naturally, freely, organically.

17. I am not for sale.