january 15, 2010

the very hungry caterpillar

Current mood: quiet


there was a very hungry caterpillar....

it started with a handful of almonds but turned into an entire pan of cinnamon rolls, a block of sharp cheddar cheese, an apple (an apple a day keeps the doctor away), three bowls of cereal with skim milk, half a bag of fritos, 1 pint of haagen daaz creme brullee ice cream, roughly half a jar of green olives, a king size bag of m&m's (found by sheer luck) and one ice cold beer.

and then she was a very fat caterpillar and she wasn't hungry anymore. in reality, she wasn't really hungry to begin with...at least not for food. honestly, she felt empty and stuffed at the same time.

but when disaster hit my life this week, the above is precisely what manifested. all the stress, all the hurt, the exhaustion, the anger, the uneasy feelings came over me and they boiled down to a heaping pile of random foods. and every bit of it went into and out of my mouth in roughly a 3 hour period one night. yes, i made myself vomit, harkening back to my days of bulimia, but i didn't do it until much later. back in the day, i would binge and immediately purge. instead, i purged out of sheer discomfort. i couldn't move without feeling like i was going to get sick anyway so i figured i would help it along. so disgusting and i don't recommend ever trying it.

it had me thinking. i went to an OA meeting one time many, many years ago...overeaters anonymous. it's a group based on the same principals of AA, NA and other 12 step programs. but this one is for people who have trouble "controlling" themselves around food. for me, it was a last resort. it was before i admitted that my issues with food were emotionally fueled. well, the meeting was surreal and not at all helpful. instead of being a supportive group, it is a group of people who are scared of food, and scared of themselves.

i have always believe that a "healthy" relationship with food was an attainable one for me. granted, what i have now is a destructive give and take but i look at it as temporary, something to overcome. but these folks, no way. they believe that you will never have a good relationship with food, it is your enemy and you must, absolutely must, stay in control of what and how you eat at all times or you will fall off the wagon. i mean, there are people in this meeting that hadn't eaten a bite of cake in 20 years because they were scared they would "fail". these people used the word fail when talking about their relationship with food? this isn't a pass/fail situation. that's not a relationship. that's an irrational fear.

well, this girl isn't afraid of food. in fact, i embrace my relationship with food. granted, it's not the relationship i want. it's entirely self destructive and abusive. but i'm not scared of it just the same way i'm not scared of myself anymore...well, most of the time. i'm not ashamed of my binges. i'm not embarassed to say that it is my crutch, my go to when the rest of the world leaves me reeling. but to think that i will never have a good relationship with something that is suppose to nourish my body? that just isn't realistic either.

so there has to be a middle ground. where the rest of the people in the world sit quietly, enjoying their meal and know when to say *when*. i can't deny that i'm envious of my friends and family who simply push away their plate and say "no thank you, i'm full". and i'm especially awestruck by folks that eat only when they are hungry, don't run to the pantry because they've had a bad day. suppose it's better than drugs or alcohol but this could kill me just as easily. the fact of the matter is that i may never be one of those people. but to simply resign yourself to never eat another bite of cake, no thank you. it is not my mortal enemy. i just need to figure out how to stop making it my best friend.

i'm going to chalk this binge up to another learning experience. a physically painful and unpleasant one...i forgot how much i loathe making myself vomit. yuck. but it has shown me that i'm still vulnerable, more so now than ever. that i am far from perfect. but that i'm also able to put it behind me, wake up tomorrow and make it through with a renewed sense of purpose minus the entire contents of the fridge. someday i hope to no longer be the hungry caterpillar or the very fat caterpillar but instead grow some damned wings.