december 20, 2009

this old house

Current mood: thoughtful

The double edged sword, Catch-22, robbing Peter to pay Paul, it all comes with a price. I have to pay the price and the price is my house, my sweet, sweet house.

In many regards I am more than ready to move on with my life as a single, divorced mother of two. The idea of having my own home, even in the form of a temporary apartment, is exciting. No maintenance, no lawn to mow and some room to finally breathe deeply. It has me bursting with possibilities. It’s a welcome relief to my weary mind and body. I have longed for this day. Dreamed of being out of this marriage that has never fulfilled me the way I hoped it might some 12 years ago. To be comfortable in my own skin again, or perhaps for the first time in my life, is something I long for and now have within my reach.

Everyday I feel stronger, more confident that I can handle the stress and burdens that are associated with all of these decisions. I take nothing lightly, leave no stone unturned and I’m preparing, planning, strategizing and getting my ducks in a row. I look forward to getting back out in the real world, with a real job (gulp) and real responsibilities. I feel ready, even if I’m not.

As badly as I want it, as much as I want this to be done and over with, for the divorce papers to be signed, sealed, and delivered, it will not come quickly or without a price. The price is something I have been aware of from day one but Mark is making it, well, far more expensive. He has raised the price.

He has refused to leave our home of 9 years. He simply doesn’t want to and so he will not leave. He’s a stubborn fucking bastard. Granted, he has every right to be here, as do I, but I have given him many valid reasons why he should leave and I should stay. I won’t go into it. Instead I’m well on my way to moving out. With the help of my parents cosigning an agreement with me, because Mark refused to help, I will be in a new home by the end of the month.

But I am sad. I am disappointed. I am in mourning. My sweet little house on a sweet little street in a sweet little neighborhood will no longer be my home. Legally, yes, but it will never be my “home” again. Granted, it represents years of being in a loveless marriage with the wrong man but there have been good things along the way. I have been pregnant in this house, experienced motherhood in this house, experienced laughter and goofiness and kindness in this house, explored the depth of love that I have for these two beautiful children and rediscovered myself. It has been with me the last 9 years of my life. I have poured myself into every nook and cranny. Every wall has been painted, every fan hung, fixture installed, floor refinished, board replaced, corner cleaned has all been done at my hand. I have crawled in attic spaces, I have refinished original 1944 hardware, and I have planed doors so they will close more easily. I have been under the house installing water lines, re-plumbing, rewiring and redoing everything with love and care. My love and care has gone into this house. It is truly my house.

Now I will walk away from all of the love I’ve given to this old girl. I am walking away from the potential in this sweet little bungalow. All the plans, ideas, sketches that have been drawn in my head over the years, the additions, the remodeling that I have dreamed of doing, they will not come to fruition. I will not be the one to see the potential in this house come to life. I will miss the creaky floors, the drafty windows, the texture of the walls and the way the light comes through the oaks. It is, however, just a house. It’s a simple little piece of the pie but it was my piece of the pie.

But it’s a price I’m willing to pay. It appears to be the price of my well being, my peace of mind and my resurgence, independence and love. It’s the beginning of the end that can only lead to new and wonderful things. It’s time to say goodbye and good luck to the old girl. Good luck sweet house. I leave you with my love. I will mourn you but I will never forget the wonderful things you have given me in return, especially this new beginning.