That’s right, just two days ago was the one month anniversary of my departure from the house. It was on December 27th that I began this journey officially, although I feel like it started long before. In some ways it seems like yesterday and in other ways like it’s been a year. Depends on the day I suppose. One way or another, I am still trying to get my bearings and have a hard time believing that it has indeed been an entire month.
I’ll never forget that night either. Nothing was unpacked, no food in the fridge and I hadn’t even hung my shower curtain. I doubt that I had even showered that day let alone cared how I looked. No kids to keep me company since I didn’t have the bunk beds assembled and the sperm donor (as my mother now refers to him) did not help with the move except to bitch and moan about what I was taking from the house. Instead I was upside down, frustrated, lonely and all around exhausted. So exhausted I didn’t even realize that my heat wasn’t working until 10pm that night and it was an unusually cold 25 degree evening in Florida. Holy crapballs it was cold. No amount of layers was going to warm me through. I thought to myself, well now this is a great way to start out my new life. No fucking heat? You have got to be kidding?
I felt hopeless, mentally incapable of handling even the smallest problem and felt that I had indeed made an enormous mistake. That’s been a pattern in my life. I believe in myself one minute and the next I feel like the shit at the bottom of the fish tank. It’s then that I don’t feel like I can muster the strength to get up and keep going. Somehow I always do but it’s a tough fight to convince myself that I am indeed going to be just fine. Perspective and logic have never been my strong suit.
So here I was feeling defeated, alone in this popsicle of single exiled bliss. I felt weak, physically tired and completely unprepared for the metaphorical bed I had made for myself to sleep. As I inched closer and closer to the end of my rope, I found myself picking up my phone, ready to dial the fucktard hotline and tell him that I would be coming back to the house for the night. That way I could sleep in a warm bed, take a warm shower and prepare for the following day. That’s when something remarkable happened.
I said no fucking way and I put the phone away. NO FUCKING WAY! Come hell or high water I was not going back to the house, back to being dependent on him. I never was to begin with but now, I would rather be a freeze pop than go crawling back for a warm bed and a hot shower. No way in hell or in this case the frozen tundra, would I reach out for a helping hand where I knew I wouldn’t find one. I know without a doubt that he would have reluctantly “allowed” me to come back for the night but only after I gave him good cause, had exhausted my other options and practically begged him for a warm place to stay. Nope. I finally believed I deserved something better.
Instead I washed my face, brushed my teeth and began getting ready for bed. I found the warmest jamas in the drawer, grabbed the only blanket that had made it with me in the move, found three top sheets, two baby blankets and my children’s new comforters that were still wrapped tightly in their plastic ikea cocoons. I found a toasty pair of socks, got under my many layers and had an average night sleep, often waking up simply because a few toes had snuck their way out of the covers.
It was uncomfortable, unsound but it was all mine. I did just fine. I survived my first night in the frozen tundra and would do it all over again if I had the chance. It was the first night I felt like I was indeed going to be just fine. And I have far surpassed my expectations. I’m gonna go so far as to say that I’m proud of the way I have handled the ups and downs, the ins and outs of this new reality that I’ve chosen. Hell, I find myself happy, free, loved, alone but not lonely. I’m proud of how I’ve handled things this past month and I’m proud of my little piece of the frozen pie. Let’s see what February has got up its little heart shaped sleeves. I’m excited with the possibilities.
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