a "dam" fine piece of bloggage
Current mood: electric
i'm sitting down tonight with no clear path as to what i think might be blog worthy. generally i have a pretty solid idea inspired by something that i saw, wanted to see, thought of while taking a shower, forgot about or general real life bullshit that propels me into a blog kind of mood. tonight i'm just sort of, well, confused really. no direct point, no real direction or clear thought that pops up to me. hell, i may not even need to write but somehow i just feel like getting it out, whatever it is.
i feel like the dam is about to break and something powerful will spring forward. and by powerful i'm not sure what i mean. could be good, bad or otherwise but something has got to give, come out, be seen, examined. just not sure what, where, when or how but i'm beginning to feel like i need to brace myself and perhaps those close to me should do the same. i am reverting back to my stream of conscious to guide my pudgy little fingers so let's see where it takes us, shall we.
i'm listening to the batteries charge for my camera so i can take some shots tomorrow. i'm worrying about a phone conference that i will have with my attorney in the afternoon. i'm stewing over yet another slap in the face by fuckhead. i'm thinking about how i just want to punch fuckhead square in the nose. now i'm thinking about how incredibly evil that idea is, that i should be ashamed of myself since i don't believe physical violence solves anything but how i want to do it anyway. i'm wondering how many twix bars (not sure as to why it's twix bars) i could shove in my mouth at the same time if given the chance.
i'm thinking of my daughter who was such a trooper in the orthodontist chair once again and how proud i am of her ability to shake it off and move forward. i'm worried about how my kids will come through all of this unbelievable mess. will i still be able to sleep with myself at night knowing that this is the right decision. i'm filled with regret not over the decision that i have made to remove myself from my marriage but over the decision that needed to be made long ago. the regret is in my unwillingness, perhaps my self imposed blindness to reality. now i'm reminding myself that the past is the past and to leave it there.
moving on. i'm thinking about the fact that i have far too much to do and far too many places to go tomorrow and the next day and the next day. i'm thinking that my bed is calling but doubt that my ocd will allow me to rest peacefully. now i'm remembering that i am plagued not with ocd but with cdo since i do indeed need to have it in alphabetical order.
i'm craving switch's company, his endearing laugh and his silly little bouncy walk that reminds me of the fact that he is just a big kid in a man's body. on that note...i'm also thinking about said man's body and wondering if i can ever get enough of him to satiate my sexual appetite. i think not. he makes my toes curl everytime, all the time, deep down straight shootin passion in that man.
i'm thinking about the possibilities of waking up tomorrow, re-energized, optimistic and how far of a stretch that may be. i'm thinking about how tired i really am deep down inside. now i'm reminded of the fact that i've been suffering from a headache the majority of the day but have done nothing to help alleviate the pain. youch.
i'm thinking about a vacation. how i would love to hop a plane to mexico with the sexy badass of a man that i love, leave the kids with my parents and have a weekend filled with tequila drinkin, worm eatin, sun bathin and hot animalistic sex in a hammock, complete with me wearing nothing but a sombrero the majority of the time. i'm thinking about how that may not happen for a very, very long time given the fact that i'm going through the hardest time in my life and the sheer confidence level, as well as the kick ass body, to be able to pull off a sombrero sans clothing.
i'm scared about how i will pay the bills in a few months. i'm excited at the idea of returning to school in less than 20 days but worry about how and when i will get a job. i'm thinking of how great it would be to have the money that i need to be able to tell fuckhead to go piss up a rope. i'm amused at myself for sitting here and just writing and writing and writing. not having any intention of it making sense but instead spewing it forth like i use to before i knew that other people read this bullshit. i'm now wondering just who does read randomerants and with what frequency.
i'm questioning where i will be in a year, in 6 months, in 3 days. how will it look, what will it feel like, where will i be heading and what will matter in the end. i'm just trying to keep my head above water all while the water continues to rise.
but here's the funny thing.
i'm questioning all of these things, some very real concerns, some completely random, some just place old silliness that somehow have made it from my brain to my fingertips. throughout all of it, even days like today when i'm drained, days like yesterday when i felt empowered or days like tomorrow that i don't have the slightest clue as to their outcome, i feel good.
i admit that i feel more alive than i have in my entire life. the water is flowing and it's coming up fast. i suggest you get the fuck out of the way because this dam in about to break. and i'm quite sure that i have no idea which direction it's heading but glad it's heading somewhere. it sat pooling, dormant far too long. although i can't tell you what will happen next, i can guarantee you that this will be nothing short of a banner fucking extravaganza of watery doom and pleasure.
and for thy listening pleasure.....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fX6yDjh_irw
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