january 3, 2010

sixty nine...get your head out of the gutter you dirty birds!

Current mood: rockin

As I sit here writing this blog, I am reminded that it was just a few short months ago that I started to open myself up again to the blogosphere. Sixty eight. Sixty eight posts since early august. And I have lots of personal shit I keep to myself too! I have never given the proper time to writing down my thoughts, my life, the way I see things, until right now. And now I can't stop. Damn addictive blog bullshit. Seriously.....

So post number sixty nine is quite a daunting task. it does give me a great deal of pleasure that the connotation of the number "sixty nine" is sexual (and fun!), dirty, silly and makes me sound like beavis and butthead because I chuckle just saying it. Huh-huh, sixty nine…gonna have to add this to my repertoire this year. Ooo, I think this is my first new year’s resolution!

So, not only is it the first blog of the New Year but it is also the close of a chapter in my life. I have grown. The sound of my own voice now is deafening. I find that I am in a state of constant motion, never stopping, and no looking back. And yet I feel that I need to look back before I look forward. Take the lessons for face value and push forward.

I have gone from discontent, misunderstood and feeling lost to having a pretty good idea of where I’m heading. I’ve had some lovely bar-bee-que along the way, a few drunken escapades, marriage counseling, personal therapy, an updated tattoo that rocks, ups and downs, substantial crying followed by serious soul searching, some good photography, a rebirth of my creative spirit, all peppered with great friends and family. I finally demanded an end to this dead end marriage. I made the decision to move out of a house I love for a place that I can finally call home.

I have learned who stands by me no matter, who believes in me, how to believe in myself again. I have had diets, binges, tons of great fucking sex (this one makes me a very happy girl). I have explored the depth of the love I hold for my kids. I have chosen to give them a better understanding of what life can hold for them. That all things are possible. Just watch mommy do it!

I am energized, refocused, scared like a mother fucker, could shit in my pants at the thought of having to find a job and finally serving my prick of a husband with divorce papers. I have no idea where I’ll be in a year. With photography, graphic design, teaching, reconnecting with my inner hippy and beer loving wench that I am deep down. Well, the possibilities have my head swirling in a great way. All the while I’m thankful, blessed, even when it's rough. I have space to move and I feel like filling this fucker up with all sorts of great things.

To sweeten the pot, I am madly, deeply in love with an unlikely hero. He’s genuine, his love for me is pure and I don’t doubt his honesty or integrity. Truly a one of a kind person all around. I would go so far as to say that he’s the real deal. He once said that he has “nothing”, but he would risk it all for me but that if he had everything, he would still feel the same. Incredibly simple and beautiful, just like him. Yeah, I think he’s a keeper.

I’m reminded of the often commercialized mandala symbol. A full circle, contemplation from beginning to end. It is used to represent chakras, spiritual energy, and focus. You know all that hippy dippy ass bullshit that I do love so much. I know…you can’t take the birks off this girl, no matter how hard you try! And although I am acutely aware that this is nowhere near the end of this journey, mind you it is really just the beginning, I do feel like I have shed some skin along the way and it feels really fucking good.

Wonder if they have a “sixty nine” mandala symbol…I feel a new tattoo coming on!