january 6, 2010

The Black Hole

Current mood: determined


A bump in the road?

Nope, more like a fucking enormous black hole that is about to suck me in and take my shoes. Don’t care much for shoes anyway but these are my birks and we all know this granola lives for her German made natural cork foot beds. Damn, they are ugly but they make my feet so happy and shiny!

I am not someone to toot my own horn. Quite the contrary. I am in every sense of the word my own worst enemy. I find something fundamentally “broken” about me and breaking free from that mindset is taking a lot of work. Hell, I have a fantastic man in my life who loves the real me, fat rolls and stretch marks included, and I find myself asking questions like “why does he love me”, “he deserves someone better, cuter, skinnier, funnier, smarter”. It’s a vicious cycle but I’m ending it. The progress is there and I feel loved and accepted. It‘s really a lovely feeling. What was my point again?

Oh yeah, the tooting of the horn.

I will give myself some credit here. I have successfully moved away from a relationship that puts the “dys” in dysfunctional (always wanted to use that cliché). I have kept my cool, even when being inundated with bullshit, trivial, absurd question and answer sessions on a daily basis. Why did you spend this? Do you think I’m made of money? Oh, you’re taking that painting from the house too? Did you call this person, change this address, what, where, why, when, who? Shit, go ahead and ask me if I wiped my ass today. I’m sure I didn’t do that to your liking either. Damn, he drives me up a wall with the condescending tone and general disapproval of my decisions.

On top of the daily stress of dealing with the fun sucker that is my husband, I am unpacking a home that includes two young children, putting together bunk beds alone (and almost killing myself), moving one box at a time since the prick only helped with the “big” items. And to make it worse, we just finished Christmas and it all needs to be boxed up and put away and so do all the toys that are included in the gift giving season. Merry fucking Christmas! I have done everything on my own, but that’s nothing new. Hence, the end of my marriage.

Meanwhile, I am taking the kids to school, putting on a happy face for them and continuing to be a nurturing, fun loving, free spirited mom, friend, daughter and all around pretty good person. I’ve shown hairline cracks along the way via some conversations that involved a louder than normal voice, calling of names, some crying, some laughing, more crying, hard, deep crying from the gut. It’s tough. It’s really fucking tough. But I have successfully kept my shit together. I am far stronger than I give myself credit and am really proud of myself for seeing this through.

But tonight for some reason, I am vulnerable. Reality is hitting me in the face and I feel like it was Tyson doing the punching. And what the hell happened to my ear? It was there just a minute ago.

What I mean to say is that this tough exterior that appears to be unflappable is coming apart. I am doing my best to patch the holes, seal the cracks, repair the failing foundation and hoping like hell that this renovation goes smoothly. But I am a mere mortal and incapable of doing everything, all the time, and not show the stress that is bubbling under the surface.

I will not fail. I will not turn around. I will continue to move forward. This is the first of many times when I will feel out of control, misjudged, disrespected and frankly, it is par for the course. My depression will come and go as it always does and I’ll be just fine in the end. Marriage isn’t easy and neither is divorce. It’s just that sometimes one is a clearer choice than the other. This is one of those times.

So this black hole. Fucking black hole that is about to open beneath me. Well, you can take my birks, take my ruby slippers, take all the shoes you can get your black hole sucking mouth around and leave me alone. You can take my shoes but that doesn’t mean I won’t still be standing. I‘ll still be walking down to the corner for a pint and the company of friends. Barefoot. With blisters, shards of glass and dirt under my nails. But you can’t make me sit down.

Take that you black hole mother fucker!