january 13, 2010

is that a #2 pencil or are you just happy to see me?

Current mood: busy

feel i have to explain the title quickly. this was one of my favorite things to say to boys back in high school to see how they would handle the pressure. if they laughed, right on. if they panic, see ya. if they responded with "why don't you reach in and find out", well, then i had a new boyfriend. such a brazen hussy. but you'll see why i used this title in a minute. i don't even know where to start. so i'll start at the beginning and will attempt to make a complicated situation less so....

monday:

met with attorney. was told that i'm in serious shit. shouldn't have moved out of the house. gave up rights to alimony by doing such. cannot split the time with the kids 50/50 because then mark doesn't have to pay me a dime in child support and he likely knows this, thus leading to his demanding that our time is a 50/50 arrangement...no wonder he was so adament. have to change custody arrangement so i have the kids the majority of the time (very cool with me since i'm with them constantly and love being with the little rugrats). however, i know to get ready to fight mark on the custody and it won't be pretty. here's the kicker. in order to get temporary "rehabilitative alimony" so i can earn a decent living, since i don't have a college degree, established career and i don't qualify for permanent alimony.....

I HAVE TO GO BACK TO COLLEGE FULL TIME ASAP!!!!!

excuse me while i go change my pants because i just shit all over myself.

are you fucking kidding me??? so not only have i screwed the pooch (the pooch being yours truly) by not demanding that he leave the house and i stay, but i have also fucked myself out of child support unless i do something quickly and i have to go to school while dealing with all of this bullshit?

now all of this came as quite a shock to me, to say the least, and i was left with raw wounds to lick for the past few evenings. thankfully, and i do mean this will the utmost sincerity, i have some seriously kick ass friends, incredible little mini-me's and a super cool family. not to mention switch who has been at my beckon call carefully advising, constantly supporting and without question just being a great listener.

so i carefully draft an email to mark detailing the fact that i want the kids the majority of the time. honestly, i was being nice doing the 50/50 split because he is a great father. however, the distance the kids feel on the evenings during the week that he has them is taking its toll already. it's sad and my heart breaks when i see the look on abby's face when she has to go back to sleep at daddy's just to be dropped back off here a few hours later. it's just too much for my sweet little girl right now and my motherly, must protect the young, instinct has kicked into full gear. i want my children as much as i have ever had time with them and that's final.

needless to say, he didn't take it well. in fact, he was threatening, confrontational, mean and he even called my mommy to tell on me. claims that i am not being reasonable so this grown man of 40 years picks up the phone and calls my mother to complain about me. seriously. the guy has lost his fucking marbles. and he's done it before too. does he expect my mom will change his diaper too? wow.

and with all of this happening, 2 kids to care for, a new home to establish, an old one to clear out, finding a job, paying bills, keeping my sanity and now, on top of it all, i have to go back to school. well now, it just can't get any more ridiculous now can it?

so i picked myself up, with a whole lot of help, dusted myself off and moved forward. today was good. i went down to the local community college, got re-enrolled in college classes and i'm ready. ready for what is another question. i'm undecided as to what i want to pursue after an aa degree but for now, that's all i can think about. getting my aa, being a full time student while i raise my children, fight the fucktard so that he supports me while i get back on my feet, try and be a decent human being without being walked all over and coming away with as few scars as humanly possible.

so i will get out my pencil sharpener, find the old #2's and see if i can't score some points in my favor. back to school at 37. never in a million years would have predicted this one! now is that a #2 pencil or are you just happy to see me? wonder if that line still works?