december 16, 2009

i'm anxious for a shower curtain Current mood: focused

and then it's up down, left, right, dodge, curl, wipe, sweep, under, over, thrust and pull. talk about having multiple personalities! jeezus-age-christ (dad still says this all the time) i am confused as to who is walking in and out of this house. and to think that just a few short weeks ago he was accusing me of being bipolar. pot...kettle....black.

emotions have run the gamete since the days following thanksgiving (to be expected but still a royal pain in my arse). he has been passionately in love with me and wanting nothing more than to have me run into his arms saying i'm sorry and that everything will work out just fine. the next minute he looks as if he could kill me right then and there. and then, after he's gone from one extreme to the other, he is willing to sit, talk and consider being civil. and i thought i was hot and cold.

i won't go into details about all of the hurtful, accusatory and unflattering things he has said to me or about me. i admit, it gets to me. he has been far more cruel than i ever imagined and i am still reeling from disbelief but i'm starting to sober up to the fact that i have to play hardball with the prick that i call my husband. most of what he has said is unfounded, untrue and irrational. however, he has brought up some issues that are most certainly true and have hurt him on a very real level. for those things, i am sorry. truly sorry.

to make a long story short, or a short story long, i'm moving out! seriously. it's really happening. no more hiding, worry, stepping on toes, nope. i'm hitting the road!!!

i am being the bigger person on this one and moving out of our home. i'm not giving it to him and have made that very, very clear. instead i am making a decision to move forward and out of a volatile situation. i should preface it by stating that i met with my attorney yesterday, began the divorce proceedings and will be serving mark with official divorce papers after christmas. this step alone was a huge load off my mind. then i got uberlucky by finding a wonderful new bachelorette pad!

it's a lovely, quiet, well loved condo/apartment just 1.2 miles from the house and directly across the street from my daughter's elementary school. i saw the apartment today and i'm super, super impressed and i believe i have fairly high standards so that's saying a bunch. some say i'm spoiled but i consider it selective ;) it's beautiful, everything that i need (roomy, private, safe), everything that i don't need (yard, maintenance, worry) and i find myself excited to be moving in after a few weeks prep time. likely i will be setup and ready to roll between christmas and new years. mark is on board with this plan and seems relieved that i will be leaving soon. i think deep down that he will be happier in the end and he knows it, just isn't ready to admit it.

i will be able to set up a life for myself outside of these walls. in a few short weeks, independence, freedom and responsibility. my own goddamn responsibility and i can't wait. oh, how i love my little house and it's walls but they represent so many limitations for me. i have spent 9 out of nearly 12 years of marriage in this house and walking away from it will be difficult. i was pregnant with my daughter when we moved in, both children know nothing but this house as their home and they love it here. despite all the wonderful things, the memories that i've made here with my children, i am taking a positive step by walking away from an unbalanced life. an unbalanced and skewed sense of self. my skin has never fit well here and it's time to change that. i actually feel incredibly lucky to have the chance to change. without change there is no growth, without growth there is no personal discovery and without discovery, no change.

so my eyes are open, my head is swirling with planning, strategy, research and excitement. the packing, the money involved, the furnishings, the list of to-do's and to-buy's. and as i make my mental checklist of shit that has to get done (on top of having a nice christmas), i am reminded of the first time i moved into my very own place. the first thing i did was put up the shower curtain. weird but ever since that first little apartment in savannah when i was just 18, i have done the same thing. even did it when we moved into this house. so i look forward to opening up that new shower curtain, painstakingly hanging it one hook at a time while i stand on my tippy toes and taking a deep breath of that sweet freshly unfolded vinyl. lovingly laying down white bath rugs and hanging freshly laundered towels. that's when i know i'll be safe. when i can smell the vinyl. then i'll be home.