january 9, 2010

how does it look there?

Current mood: accomplished

so in all the craziness that has ensued over the last few weeks, i have been especially thankful for so many things and people who have helped me. but it's peculiar that through all of this transition, i have not been thankful for all the little comforts that this new life is affording me. suppose it's the hectic pace of life around here. taking care of kids, figuring out a schedule, dealing with fucktard on a daily basis. even hanging pictures on the wall is a large task for me right now. decisions, decisions, decisions.

but that's the really cool part. they are my decisions. nobody else. i can have a spoon full of peanut butter, walk around in my jamas, go to bed early or stay up all night. these things might seem regular fodder for other marriages but i was constantly scrutinized, questioned, doubted for every move i made. i have to say, this freedom to just be me is exactly what i needed and i don't doubt this decision one bit!

i had time yesterday at the apartment with, well, what can i call him? i'm tired of calling him "my love", "the other man", "the affair i am having", blah blah blah. executive decision time. i have decided to call him....switch (he used to yell SWITCH as loud as he could right in my face during high school. he's since grown out of the bizarre ritual but it still reminds me of him) suppose i could just call him my boyfriend but that's so boring. nope.

switch. i like it!

so switch comes over, we hang out for a bit, i had to send an email and he was left to amuse himself. never leave an artisitic, architect, mechanic, tinkerer to daydream about where to hang things in your house. suddenly he'll get a pensive look and you just know the wheels are turning. so after a little discussion about proper placement of photos, proportion, levels and visual impact, he gave me some ideas. good ideas.

it was right then that i realized that he has his opinions. i have my opinions. if we lived under the same roof, compromise and discussion would come into play. i value his opinion. i value him. i value the respect that he gives me in return. but when it comes right down to it, i don't have to hang my art in any other way than the way that i see fit. and you know what, he is perfectly fine with that. granted, it was a nice discussion, nothing uncomfortable. he wasn't trying to sway my opinion. he was simply voicing his own. and you know what....it was ok to voice mine in return. that is huge for me.

for so many years, i decided that it just wasn't worth the fight to give my opinion. on big things, i would speak up but i was never heard. hell, even the exterior color of our house was decided by mark, without even listening to me. mark would always win by default because i simply gave up. i gave up and didn't express my opinion because it wasn't worth the trouble in return. but now. wow. it was a turning point for me yesterday.

i realized that i am me. nobody else. yes, i am in fact switch's girlfriend, my parents' daughter, my childrens' mother, my fucktards soon to be ex-wife, but i am just a person. a person who can make decisions. i can trust myself. someone once said that as soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. don't remember who it was but i'm sure you can google it. and it's true.

so in essence i will hang my art where i like, i will eat and drink and play as i want to, i will love the way that i want to and deserve. because i don't have to become something that i am not. i do not have to agree and that's just fine with him. and even if it weren't, i still wouldn't give up. nope. that girl is long gone.

but should a time come where i do again share a living space, i will be open for discussion. especially with switch old boy. because there is a mutual respect, a mutual love, a mutual fondness for each other and our varying opinions on, well, everything. we have many similarities but the things that are unique about each of us are just that...unique in every way. and i don't ever want that to change.