Current mood:f-tastic
you know, i have a real love hate relationship with several words that start with "f".
exsqueeze me but what the hell am i talking about now? a random and somewhat pointless little tidbit, even for me?
why yes, yes it is a bizarre topic for discussion. hopefully i will meander toward a deeper meaning here in a second but don't hold your breath. i am business buzzed and exhausted so it may just be a blog filled with f-bombs. let's see where this goes.
so much of my life is or has been caught up in what i call the "f-cycle".
words like fuck, fear, facade, fragile, fraud, family, foundation, fierce
i used to think of my life as a journey but i am rethinking the term. a journey has a clear destination, a clear objective and i don't think of myself as simply going from a to b. i think it's a process. the process is an unfolding. every layer reveals something else. it's a process of discovery. not all good discoveries either. just the other day i discovered how truly alone i still feel sometimes and how helpless i can become because of another persons actions. um yeah, i thought i was past that. wrong again. i have discovered my weakness's and they are nothing like i had envisioned. well fuck...
words like forbidden, fortunate, frantic, friend, flexible, fool, fodder, faith
at the beginning was my fear. i was so terrified of my fear that i feared what was laying under the fear. but when i peeled back that layer, another one was there. this time i made an enormous discovery that changed my life. what i discovered was a solid foundation made of perseverance, determination, family, friends and compassionate giving love. i never would have imagined my own strength if i hadn't decided to face what was gathering below.
words like fortitude, fight, false, full, fair, found, freedom, food, forge, forward
i am coming full circle but i remain aware of my faults, and i have many. for example, i struggle daily to find the balance between food and love. i remain aware that the reality of this transformation is not always pretty or neat and tidy. quite the contrary. i continue to transform, move, process it the best i can but there are days i lay down and cry. sometimes i can't stop. i weep because of the process, i weep because of the fear, i weep because i feel fortunate and am filled with gratitude. i weep for what i've uncovered but also for how much further i have to go. everyday is something new but it's not always good, it's not always bad, but it's always there.
words like final, fall, fail, fluid, finding, future
the finality of becoming an individual again and not ever wanting to go back to being someone's property is liberating. the fluidity of my life. everything and everyone in my life has become fluid. we are all just moving around one another, propelling each other further toward whatever is to come. i have had to become this fluid, mobile, flexible woman that i never felt i could relate to but here i am. a creature of movement. a creature of freedom. i have found a woman unfolding. a woman with a future. a woman who is fearful but ready to forge a new way of living. i am a woman with a future that appears to be full.
the f words continue to line my path and i will gladly take each of them and use them. i am ready to fall. forward.
exsqueeze me but what the hell am i talking about now? a random and somewhat pointless little tidbit, even for me?
why yes, yes it is a bizarre topic for discussion. hopefully i will meander toward a deeper meaning here in a second but don't hold your breath. i am business buzzed and exhausted so it may just be a blog filled with f-bombs. let's see where this goes.
so much of my life is or has been caught up in what i call the "f-cycle".
words like fuck, fear, facade, fragile, fraud, family, foundation, fierce
i used to think of my life as a journey but i am rethinking the term. a journey has a clear destination, a clear objective and i don't think of myself as simply going from a to b. i think it's a process. the process is an unfolding. every layer reveals something else. it's a process of discovery. not all good discoveries either. just the other day i discovered how truly alone i still feel sometimes and how helpless i can become because of another persons actions. um yeah, i thought i was past that. wrong again. i have discovered my weakness's and they are nothing like i had envisioned. well fuck...
words like forbidden, fortunate, frantic, friend, flexible, fool, fodder, faith
at the beginning was my fear. i was so terrified of my fear that i feared what was laying under the fear. but when i peeled back that layer, another one was there. this time i made an enormous discovery that changed my life. what i discovered was a solid foundation made of perseverance, determination, family, friends and compassionate giving love. i never would have imagined my own strength if i hadn't decided to face what was gathering below.
words like fortitude, fight, false, full, fair, found, freedom, food, forge, forward
i am coming full circle but i remain aware of my faults, and i have many. for example, i struggle daily to find the balance between food and love. i remain aware that the reality of this transformation is not always pretty or neat and tidy. quite the contrary. i continue to transform, move, process it the best i can but there are days i lay down and cry. sometimes i can't stop. i weep because of the process, i weep because of the fear, i weep because i feel fortunate and am filled with gratitude. i weep for what i've uncovered but also for how much further i have to go. everyday is something new but it's not always good, it's not always bad, but it's always there.
words like final, fall, fail, fluid, finding, future
the finality of becoming an individual again and not ever wanting to go back to being someone's property is liberating. the fluidity of my life. everything and everyone in my life has become fluid. we are all just moving around one another, propelling each other further toward whatever is to come. i have had to become this fluid, mobile, flexible woman that i never felt i could relate to but here i am. a creature of movement. a creature of freedom. i have found a woman unfolding. a woman with a future. a woman who is fearful but ready to forge a new way of living. i am a woman with a future that appears to be full.
the f words continue to line my path and i will gladly take each of them and use them. i am ready to fall. forward.
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