2012 begins...

ah yes. we meet again my dear blog. i've been struggling for months trying to write. not figuring out what to write but how to write it. i suppose i could call it writers block...if i considered myself a writer. but i don't so i'm referring to it as "expressive" block. after all, that's the part that has had me stumped and without words for a while. my expressiveness has nowhere to go and even if it did, has lost it's map.

instead i'm sitting down tonight, on this second day of 2012, and just gonna let it go. like the good old days, for those folks who have read my entire blog. i have been know to sit down from time to time and just let it all go. all the fucks, all the fears, all the loathing and hate and love and sin and life just pours out of me and onto my little virtual paper. and it feels so cleansing when i'm able to be that in touch with myself.

you see, the turning of another year has left me stumped. where am i in my life? who is that woman in the mirror that i see everyday? where is she going in such a rush? why can't she eat just one cookie? so many questions and it all seems like a blur.

here goes nothing: i had no job, no prospects, no direction. i wanted a home to call my own and nothing else. i waited and waited and waited some more for the house, then i got it, then i started to fix it, and paint it, and fix it some more, and paint it some more and then i moved in, and then it all fell quiet for a short while. then i decided it was time to seek out what i needed next. i got a job. a good job. a part time job in a contemporary art museum, i worked, nights, weekends, days, whenever and wherever they needed me. and they liked me. they even promoted me and will likely be doing it again soon. i had a financial awakening and gave my mother all of my bills, past, present, future and asked for her help. she helped and has been pivotal in my spending habits being scaled back. i'm more comfortable, happier, more free financially than in my entire adult life. it fucking kicks ass knowing i'm going to be alright. i started working more. a bunch more. the kids finished school and the summer began. one week with me, one week with sperm donor and it was exhausting, frustrating and altogether uncomfortable. until finally it was comfortable. i've given up on trying to control what happens when they are with him. only focusing on the time i have with them. again, such relief from that stress i can't express it. my sweet westley and i celebrated 2 years since we indulged in that wonderful pulled pork sammich lunch in july. things are still magical but more complicated. real life romance is difficult to protect and maintain. but i love him and i still get those silly butterflies when he kisses me just so. kids went back to school in the fall, i've been running from here to there to here and then back to there. work. school. activities. laundry...oh, the fucking laundry. i'm over it. i've decided that hell is just a big laundromat with piles and piles of dirty laundry that never gets any smaller. halloween, thanksgiving, christmas holidays and now a new year begins - and there's still a shit-ton of laundry to do - but i digress.

somewhere in the middle of it all, i've maintained my sanity (partially), i've continued to be medicated for my depression and anxiety but you know what, i don't feel nearly as anxious, or as frequently uncomfortable. i'm still in love and loved, i struggle with relationships and feeling accepted but it's starting to feel normal, the eating has continued but becomes less and less a part of my daily life. granted, i'm no supermodel but i'm coming to terms with the fact that it will take time. lots and lots of time. it took me 15 years to put it on.....it's not coming off in 1 year. i've rekindled and maintained some amazing friendships, i've watched as my children have grown, i've watched as i've grown, i'm working, i have some incredible opportunities on these spinning plates and i'm in a place in my life where things are finally beginning to gel a little. there's still lots of cracks and wiggles and weirdness but that's just fucking life. no way around it. if you want the great stuff, the a-ha moments in life, you have to come to terms with all the other things that go along with it. the ugliness, the selfishness, the criticism, the self doubt, the anger, the resentment but what you end up getting, or at least what i've received this year, is enlightenment, love, understanding, beauty, humor, forgiveness and what it means to be alive. truly alive and owning your energy, your life, yourself.

my new years resolution: continue to live. one fucking day at a time. so far, it's turning out to be a beautiful ride and one that was well worth the wait!