breathe

do you ever stop some days and just give thanks for being able to take a breathe? i'll admit, i didn't until recently. in fact, i think i've been in a mindset of not being thankful for a long time. i remember being a teenager and thinking i was invincible. a simple invincibility that gave me a great deal of freedom and even more selfish indulgences. i think that's pretty common as a teen.

into my 20's i was a bit more aware of how fortunate a life i led. i think it started after the rape, then continued to develop when i fell in love with d, then met and married fuckhead, then a baby at 28 that barely survive her early arrival. all of it put some things into perspective. but despite the good and bad of those 10 years, i can't remember waking up in the morning and just being happy to be able to take a deep breath.

the past 9 years of my 30's have been tumultuous, filled with change and love and anger and and and...you name it, i feel like i've been there, done that. here's the strange thing though. in the last two years i've breathed a happy, grateful sigh more often than i can remember. i woke up this morning and it was as if the air had never smelled as sweet. it hit my lungs like a burst of cold air. i felt it in every inch of me. despite the fact that things don't always go my way, things can be incredibly challenging, my evil self doubting voice sometimes comes up before i can take a breath, i'm still breathing. and it feels wonderful.

today i wake up thankful for the good, the bad, the ugly, the sweet, the passionate life that i am leading. i think that's the key...i'm leading it! i'm trusting in the experience. all of it and i don't feel burdened by life anymore. instead i'm filled with gratitude to still be here, to get another chance everyday to see how things unfold. to experience all there is to experience in the day. my dear friend, j, continues to remind me to live one day at a time. that's the only way to live. i keep trying to do it on a larger scale but when it comes down to it, it's all about one thing at a time, one moment at a time, one simple day at a time makes all the simple things so much more alive.

breathe, i'll take it. hopeful that i get another chance to do the same tomorrow. but for today, i will breathe.