I saw something recently that both amused me and disturbed me for the exact same reason...it's the truth. About the state of relationships between men and women:
What do you expect from a generation raised on fairy princess movies and internet porn?
Now I can't recall where I saw or heard this little quip but I have to say, it's taken up real estate in my head since. I've been dissecting (and digesting) my current love affair lately. The differences in how J and I relate to each other in terms of expectations. What does he expect from me? A blowjob every night and a maids outfit (not that I would be opposed entirely). And what do I expect in return? Surprise flowers and a special little gift for no apparent reason (followed by a little something in the sack). I knew at some point that reality would shatter my little love bubble but I was not prepared for the fact that I would be the one to hold the needle.
J and I have been having some pretty serious issues lately. What's interesting to me, and what's unique about our relationship, is that when we are together...it can be magical. Fo shizzle, yo. Some real live shit magic! He makes me swoon with a smile, knows how to handle my temperament in a loving way, makes me feel beautiful and loved and sexy and smart and wonderful. So what's the dizzle yo fizzle?
He's not a part of my everyday life...and that's starting to suck the life out of our relationship. I see him once or twice a week, I rarely spend more than a couple of hours with him during the daylight hours and frankly, I feel neglected. More than neglected. I feel ignored. Granted, I know that's not his intention. I know the facts and the challenges that face both of us. He's a hard working man who has a physically demanding job. I'm a hard working woman who is trying to make a living while squeezing in a full time house and family and car and bills and and and...it's overwhelming. Certainly enough for any relationship to withstand.
Nobody ever said it would be easy but I certainly thought it would be worth it. But it's not right now. And that's not okay with me. We've been back and forth and around the block on this issue...I need more! Whether that's right or wrong, I need it and I want it and frankly, I deserve it. We're all rats in the race of life but I'm tired of being in the cage alone. I'm tired of running on the wheel while I wait for some company. While I wait for a man who knows my heart, loves me wholly and fully, who still makes me want to be a better woman. But where is he when my heart hurts, when I don't feel like I'm lovable, when all I want to do is run and hide. I need a consistent feeling of security and love.
I just want to sit on a couch on a Saturday afternoon, do laundry, hang out, watch TV, take a nap and just be. Just to be for an afternoon with the man that I love so deeply. And yet we are nearly 3 years into this thing and that still isn't happening. It's just not happening and I feel like the only willing participant.
Which takes me back to the funny and not so funny in the truth about princess movies and internet porn. We, as men and women, have different expectations of what a relationship means. Of what we want out of love but more so, more than any delusional idea, we NEED different things from our idea of love. I'm not saying that I don't want a little internet porn too but I also want to be swept away now and again and treated to a surprise night out. A special gift that's made just for me. I want time and energy and consideration. Unfortunately I'm just not sure he can give me what I need. I'm just not sure how my idea of this fairy tale will end. I don't know anymore.
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