for dinner, this evening, i had a maple glazed salmon over kale that had been cooked with pinenuts and garlic. it was amazing. during the dinner i had three glasses of "house" merlot which was anything but house. it was steele merlot and it was fucking good. at the end of the night i wasn't sure how i would get home. i couldn't help but hold onto my dinner date for dear life, not wanting
to let go of his hug because it felt like a person. like a companion. was i too drunk to drive? was i still hungry? was i full? was i fucked?
all great questions and i'm now in a semi-sober position in which to respond. before i forget...this is the first time i've ever blogged while intoxicated. ever. fer realz. i've never made a decision to blog after having a few beverages but tonight seems especially fitting. i feel like all my thoughts and emotions have risen to the surface like the fat off of the gravy at thanksgiving dinner. separated, coagulated and divided in a real way...not just in my way.
so here i sit. buzzed. okay, nevermind. inebriated. not buzzed. buzzed is an understatement. and on top of it all, i have a ton on my mind. from new frontiers and opportunities at work to my physical well being to the man i thought i would love forever, well, nothing seems real anymore. i went to dinner tonight with a great friend, a good friend, a male friend that i love and respect. there's no sexual tension. it's just us being us and i love having a male friend again that can relate to me, understand me, laugh at me and with me. and as we were talking, as we are discussing what we want out of life, out of our "mates, i discovered something real and yet highly uncomfortable.
i have a crazy fucking idea of what i want!!! i want someone with whom to spend my life, to share my joy with. to sit and watch a goofy fucking will farrell movie, someone to make me a romantic dinner, someone to pull my hair and fuck me like they stole me, someone to help fold laundry, someone to cook with, someone to love and someone to love me. isn't that what we all want? the ultimate partner that will provide all the parts of us with all the parts we want? i mean really. who has that?
i don't. i have a wonderful man in justin, who loves me and treats me as if i'm the only woman in the world, but only when he can. otherwise i'm on my own. what does that mean? i'm on my own? i watch stupid movies alone, i eat dinner alone, i fold laundry alone. and i'm not happy. i'm fine with being independent but being lonely, being lonely when it hurts....i'm not happy.
what i've come to realize is that if i'm unhappy there are a few things that can happen. 1. i can remain unhappy. 2. i can do something to change it.
we all know i'm all too familiar with option #1 and it is no longer an option. NO LONGER AN OPTION.
option #2, however, is something i'm considering...and trying to figure out. what can i do to change it? do i move forward with this wonderful man yet stand my ground and demand more time, more attention, more of what i need to thrive? or is it the opposite. do i demand that i have more time to myself, more attention for myself, more time to figure out what i really need to thrive as an individual.
what a strange and empowering question. one that is muffled by a pint of mint chocolate chip followed by a pint of orange swirl sherbert. between the 2 pints of ice cream, the glazed salmon and the tears, hopefully there will be a new day tomorrow that will continue to open me, enrich me and lead me to an answer. what do i really want and what do i really need. fuck if i know!!!
E- you pose great questions. However very complicated ones. Having struggled with, is my man giving me what I need?, I say there is no good answer. My thought would be to ask yourself which of those things do you want most. Is it the laundry, the movie or the stealing you. I don't think there is ever one person that can give someone everything they want, that is outside of a fairy tale. What do you need and want the most? Does he give that?
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, he fucks up the laundry and I think I prefer to watch movies on my own. That it takes a super mad me to get him to do yard work is really annoying.
I also know that I bug the shit out of him sometimes, don't like to think that I could be that annoying! Long run summation = long term love. I'll never think it's perfect, or that he is, but who am I to ask that? Doesn't that mean I'd have to try to be perfect too?
All that said, ask for what you need, see what you get. That may sound like a sad road, but it's really just compromise.