Current mood:swallowed
I imagine this is how it feels to be caught in quick sand. I have heard it described and understand its physical properties as a sort of vacuum. In essence, it uses your body’s energy to propel itself. Your energy literally charges the quick sand to become a deadly assassin. Fight hard and it fights harder and it wins. It will win.
My anger has become my very own quick sand and I’m scared of its power over me. I am angry. I am being eaten from the inside out. I have been carrying around all of this hate and anger. And it’s not just about fucktard and this ridiculous circus that has become my divorce. Nope. That’s just the icing on the quick sand cake.
I am angry. Very angry. Filled with a rage and a fire that I didn’t realize was so alive. A part I have long denied because it makes my skin uncomfortable, tight, itchy, ugly. I hate the anger. I hate the hate. I hate the part of me that woke up along with all the other parts of me that I like. I want to erase it and make it go away forever. Childish? Yes, very much so but that’s what I want. I want the quicksand to go away! I want it to eat itself. I don’t want to propel it and let it devour me. But that’s how it feels. I feel like I’m being devoured by this rage.
Unfortunately it is a very real part of me. We all carry around some anger or hate or rage about something or someone or perhaps about ourselves. For me it unfolds itself and reveals places and things and people and events. All of them add up to this enormous rage that makes me feel dirty and ugly. I hate some of my choices, I hate the choices of others that have affected me, I hate the injustice that surrounds the rape, I hate the man that I trusted to care for me, I hate myself for not caring, I hate that hate, I hate that I let those choices become something other than choices. They feel concrete and heavy and unshakable. And the harder I fight, the harder they fight back. I am literally being swallowed by this fire and I’m just not sure how to put it out.
What I really want to do is hit something or someone or myself for that matter. For some reason it manifests itself in my need for physical release. I want to hit them, I want to hit it, with all my force, with all my rage and power and hate. I want to take it apart and rip it from end to end until all the rage is released and I feel comfortable again. I have to make peace with myself and with the parts of me that are good and bad. I need to make peace with the unjust nature of myself and others. With the monsters that are under the bed and in the closets and now apparently are no longer comfortable being hidden. I don’t want to embrace them or give them the time or energy and yet they take it anyway so why not do it on my terms, right? I long for some great strategy to fight the beast that is a part of me. I know better than to try and put it back in the deep dark corner. This whole fucking outpouring of emotion is really starting to piss me off. Denial is so much easier.
I imagine this is what it feels like to be caught in the quick, to be caught in the rage, to be caught and unable to break free. My energy feeds the beast that is the quick sand and only my energy can calm it. Fuck.
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