centrifuge

i'm an artist. plain and simple. i'm eccentric, a little off center. so when i started thinking of how a centrifuge works today, well, let's just say i was caught off guard. i truly ain't no rocket scientist so humor me here folks.

i've been feeling down the past week...or maybe two. i'm not sure anymore. it has started to blur together in a haze of "fuck it, i don't care". multifaceted reasons for the melancholy... my right ankle and foot are giving me a great deal of pain. so much so that i'm considering seeing a podiatrist. p.s. i hate doctors. along with this foot injury i have also been living in a state of disarray. i think all the frenzied work on the house initially wore me the fuck out. i have lacked motivation to make things "homey" and organized for the last two weeks and the house is essentially a mess. dishes in the sink, shoes everywhere, things scattered around with no rhyme or reason. a real fucking mess. no motivation. and how do i deal with anything and everything...binging! i am eating everything in sight. it's sickening. i gave into the temptation of weighing myself while little man was a tae kwon do the other day and thought i may just throw up right there and then. it's stuck with me every since but hasn't stopped me from eating what isn't nailed down. let's face it, even nailed down i would find a dadgum hammer and pull that sucker up!

so what got me thinking about how a centrifuge works is the fact that i just can't seem to separate what is wrong right now from what is right. it's incredibly discouraging since things are simply going very well in most parts of my life. but i know there's something amiss, and something that just right. personally i think they might be one in the same but humor me on this whole centrifuge idea.

when centrifugal force is applied by way of a motorized rotor or in the early years by hand, along with the angle of the test tube in the unit, a separation process is achieve. the heavier sedimentary qualities drop to the bottom of the test tube while the lighter particles come to the surface. what i find so fascinating about the mechanism and this process is that it is not about the propulsion of the rotor but instead seems to rest on the combination of the motor and the perfect angle. if the test tube is angled properly, the particles have less distance to travel to "hit the wall" before being separated. if the angle isn't correct then the particles don't separate, no matter how quickly they travel.

interesting. it seems to be about the angle of the dangle...oh come on. that's just funny! if i'm following the logic here, it makes perfect sense. perhaps i'm looking at things from the wrong angle. instead of standing still and letting things move around me, perhaps it's time to jump in there and find my place. find the position in my life that will rid me of what i don't need and concentrate on what i do need. whatever that might be.

but here's where it gets scary. if i just jump in and don't stand still then i will have to move. i will have to change. i will have to change my habits, my crutches, my addictions and my motivation. i can't eat my way out of this one. i will have to believe in everything i talk about. about loving myself, treating myself respectfully, accepting the things i can't change, accepting erin just as is. just as erin. it scares the fuck out of me. it's letting go, stepping a little to the left, lean in a bit and wait. maybe that will be the right angle. maybe not. then i'll have to move again, give up more control, more expectation, be vulnerable to myself, be aware. what does that look like anyway.

honestly i don't have a fucking clue how that looks but i know how it feels. if feels uncomfortable and frightening and insurmountable. then again i thought changing my life 2 years ago was insurmountable and look at me now. blows me the hell away. it feels like i have to rip off my skin and put on a new one to see how it fits. i hope this new one can get a tan. i'm so over this pale shade of buttercup ivory.