nay-ked

i've recently started to workout on a regular basis again. i even have a friend helping me get in shape for a 5K that i want to run in may. i've been eating more nutritious meals and am giving it a real effort to become a healthier and more comfortable woman. i don't need to be a size 8 but this size 18 is getting old real fast! for whatever reason, i've been thinking of myself naked these days. suppose it's because i'm more aware of the effort i'm giving to a healthy lifestyle. today i did something that is absolutely, totally, completely uncomfortable for me. as silly as it might sound, and as normal as it is for so many people to do, it's something i just don't do. never. ever.

today i stood completely naked in the mirror. head to toe. naked. you heard me correctly. stripped down nay-ked and i stared. i felt. i turned and twisted and swiveled. i lifted and dropped and squished and mashed. i even did the famous turn to the side in the mirror and suck things in and lift things up with my hand. even that didn't help. then i cried. and cried. and sobbed and cried. by the end of this experiment, i was a puddle on the floor. disgusted. nauseous. totally devastated with what my body has become. more so, what i have done to my body over the last 15 years. it was a moment of grief.

but you know what. i had to do it. i had to just strip it down and take a look at what i saw. not what i think my reality is but what it really looks like. in the raw. and it was sobering.

now i don't know if other people do this on a regular basis. i know people who are completely comfortable in the buff but i'm just not one of those people. there are days, just like most women, when you feel absolutely beautiful. sexy. vivacious. irresistible. up until recently those days were a thing of the past but when i met "switch"...shit, who am i kidding here. it's justin. plain and simple, remarkably, it's justin. so until justin came into my life i felt as if i would never feel like a woman again. now there are more days than not when i feel like a force with which to be reckoned.

even with this fine ass man who desires me to no end, i still hate to be naked in front of him. what the hell? he loves me, he obviously can see past the extra stay puft marshmallow layer so why am i so uncomfortable with it myself. i make sure the lights are off. i cover myself if even a little light comes in under the door. i'm incredibly self conscious about my body. always have been but even with the latest feeling of empowerment and exploration, i'm still just a scared naked girl.

what i found when i took my clothes off today, in the daylight, and really took a close look at myself, well, i was surprised. yes, there's more of me than i would like. things are no longer firm and svelte. there are ripples and bumps and lumps. after i picked myself up from the floor and decided that this just wasn't how i wanted this experiment to end, i took another look. and then another. and another. the more i looked, the more i saw. it's not all flaws. it's not all fat. it's not all lumps. my skin is still smooth and firm, milky white and soft. i still retain more of an hourglass figure than one of a round apple. my waist is still defined, my breasts round and somewhat firm, my ass is still kickin. it's just that there is far more of me than is comfortable or healthy.

but guess what? i didn't like what i saw but i was comfortable with it. i was comfortable with the damage that i've done to myself over the years. it's acted as a means of defense. this extra layer of me has served its purpose as a guard. it has protected me from what i feared most. myself. but i'm not so scared of her anyone. everyday i like her more and more. the layer isn't needed anymore and i refuse to hate it for one more minute. suppose you could say it was an "aha" moment.

so the next time the light comes under the door, i will not apologize or scramble for the covers. i will enjoy my body the way that it was meant to be. in all of it's nakedness. bare. real. and beautiful.