the man, the myth, the tepee

there's a running joke around here that my lovely man will someday live in a tepee in the backyard. we're silly that way. one of us comes up with a ridiculous notion and the other runs with it until boom, it becomes a goofy scenario. it's just a comical musing really and i'm not even sure how it originated. probably has something to do with some language that fucktard wanted to have added to the divorce decree.

when the divorce process was nearing the end, the negotiating became something of a three ring circus. no really. i can't tell you the amount of times that i would read something he proposed and have to pick my head up off the floor. it was excruciating and could be considered highly amusing if it weren't happening to me. example: he wanted me to make all a's if i went back to school and take a full class load so i would "qualify" in his mind of deserving alimony. not just that but he wanted to be able to stop alimony if i didn't make all a's or didn't take the proper classload. yeah. fuck you asshole. that one wasn't gonna fly. neither was the whole non-roommate clause he wanted to add. it stated, in plain terms, i could not have a roommate either of the opposite sex or the same sex and that if i did have a roommate that the alimony would stop. again, i laughed but my attorney laughed even louder. this guy was a serious piece of work and trust me on this one, he's no different than he was a year ago. still trying to be controlling and has taken the art of douchebaggery to an entirely new level!

when i received the documents and picked my jaw up from the floor...and immediately sent back a nicely worked fuck you letter via the attorney...the idea occurred to me. what if my sweet westley came to live with me? someday? when? did he want to? what if? what if he wanted to? how would it work? when? where would he put his things? all those crazy questions of what would my life look like with him in it full time. and don't get me started on his sudden appearance in my kids' lives. sure, he loves them on a biweekly basis but come on, full time kids? he doesn't want to be a father figure, and i never want him to be. they have a father. he's a douche but he is their father. but how would it work? he would have me in his life all the time, not just every thursday night for date night and every other weekend when i'm not playing mom. what would happen? how long before we are on each others last nerves? what if he leaves? the what if's are endless and fruitless.

suppose that's where the whole tepee discussion originated. here we were. two people madly in love with each other and madly in love with the idea of each other. a year ago it was just that, the idea. but things have evolved. yes, we are still madly in love with each other...he still gives me butterflies when he kisses me...but we aren't in love with an idea of each other. it's the real deal. the longer i spend with him, the more deep it seems to grow. i'm not sure about other folks but i can honestly claim that i've never felt this kind of rooting, grounding before. it's natural. organic. some may say the real deal. he is sticking and i like it.

so here we are nearly 2 years into this unlikely love and each day in my new house feels more and more real. it's mine. every square inch is literally mine and i'm loving the freedom that these new roots are carrying. but with that comes more and more discussion about sharing a life together. a real life. not some made up fairytale. an honest to goodness sharing a bathroom, cleaning the kitchen, yardwork kind of life. it frightens me and excites me at the same time. i have admit that the times the house feels the most like home is when he's next to me. sitting on the couch, making coffee, outside with the kids. doesn't matter what we're doing. but if he's with me, it feels more real.

the big difference is that i don't need him here. i'm fine on my own. weird. what. me. okay. on. my. own. damn skppy! i have myself, my own tastes, my own freedom of expressing myself and loving myself. i have the kids and a family who loves me and the friend list is beyond plentiful. i really don't need a man to help me paint a wall or maintain a yard or carry my trash to the street. i don't need someone else to pay my bills and plan my future. i've got it covered. and even though i don't need him, i want him. i want him here. i want him in my life. i want his input and his natural curiosity and insight. i want his opinion of where to hang art and what to have for dinner. i like it. in fact, i love it. i love having him with me. not a "part of me" but with me. that whole two people becoming one thing is a bunch of horse shit in my opinion. we are two people but we share parts of each other that no one else knows or sees or feels. let's face it though. at the end of the day we are two people. trying to figure out how to fit into one house. maybe. someday.

so the tepee discussion will continue. and so will the man. and so will the myth of happily ever after. only time will tell but i'm keeping my backyard options open. after all, a tepee would be a fun addition to the yard...not to mention the feathers, warpaint and loin cloth. me likey.