damn. the inspiration around me is just flowing like mad. it's insane the amount of good people i have in my life. another one of my homeslices posted a short list of things she wants to do. not before she dies. not when she reaches a certain age. nope. just a simple list of things that she wants to do. it inspired me to start thinking of things that i would like to do. now, later, someday, yesterday. my mind started racing around and below is what culminated. it's by no means a complete list. how could it be? i would imagine there are things here that won't interest me tomorrow and i'm sure there are things to be added to the list everyday. but for now, here's a list of things that i wanna do. let me know if you are up for helping me do any of these things. i welcome the company...if you're brave enough, or crazy enough depending on the subject matter :) and thanks to my soul sister for inspiring this list. damn skippy!
things i wanna do....in no particular order
1. vacation in europe via "adult" backpacking (i.e. plenty of hiking and foot traffic minus the hostel accommodations)
2. fill an entire sketch book from beginning to end, no matter how long it takes, no pages torn out, no regrets, no erasing, just my sketches.
3. own and help restore a classic muscle car
4. learn to play the guitar...well (i know some basics but would like to be able to play a few tunes well)
5. go swimming in the carribean - never been, even on a cruise
6. drive a race car on a professional race track
7. foo fighters in concert ~ it would be epic for me!
8. learn to roller skate again. it would have to involve the knee high socks and short shorts though...complete with an abba soundtrack.
9. go surfing ~ never had the nerve to try it
10. jump out of a plane, preferably with a parachute and a bottle of jack daniels handy upon landing
11. ride in a hot air balloon (may need another fifth of jack for this one)
12. have a nude photo taken that is tasteful and flattering thank you very much (on second thought, make it a case of jack)
13. write a book, even if it never gets published. non fiction, inspirational or just plain nutty rants (see this blog)
14. make peace with my addiction/compulsion to food
15. paint a masterpiece...maybe only in my eyes but that's enough
16. make peace with fucktard and forgive him for his wrongs
17. forgive myself for my past
18. love myself more than anyone else could ever love me
19. graffiti something, anything. have never vandalized anything in my life!
20. tp someone's yard. it's true. my badass has never toilet papered a yard. juvenille item on my list but still one i would like to do.
21. have sex in public. not "hey, watch us bone" kinda thing. just somewhere in public without being obvious. perhaps a movie theater, on a ride at disney, a blowjob under a restaurant table. something with the potential of being caught but not incarcerated.
22. speaking of which...i've never been tied up or blindfolded during any sex play. now that i have a partner i trust, those might be things i want to try. just sayin.
23. smoke a big fat joint again. haven't gotten high in years and want to at least one more time in my life. ganja good!
24. one word...ZIPLINE! preferably somewhere exotic.
25. cover my "W" tattoo from my marriage to fucktard. yes, it's been enhanced and changed to signify a different meaning but when the time is right, i want it replaced all together.
26. donate my hair to locks for love. i need 12 inches in order to donate.
27. get married again...maybe ;) yes, i said it. i would marry my sweet westley in a heartbeat. on our own terms and perhaps even without terms. but there's a part of me that would like nothing more than to wear a white dress...a very short tight one mind you...and profess my love to this man in some kind of ceremony. maybe just the two of us, maybe a big keg party. don't know but yes, i can't think of one single day without him in it.
28. run a 5K in its entirety. no walking. just pure running.
29. run a half marathon. puking optional.
30. run a marathon. puking required.
31. while doing item 1. (european vacation), i want to take a bath in beer. there are spots in germany and austria where they have warm beer baths. i want to go to there (said in my best liz lemon voice).
32. speaking of which...oktoberfest in germany. the whole shabang. i want to see it all, do it all, drink it all and just live it up via some wiener schnitzel and uber-brew.
33. set a world record. balancing quarters on my nose, having the most consecutive minutes without using the word fuck (hey, that one would be tough for me), anything. just some world record with my name next to it.
34. karaoke. never done it.
35. make a difference to someone, somewhere, at some time in my life. if i haven't done it yet, i want to do it. if i've already done it, i want to do it some more.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
times like these
so the title of my blog tonight is inspired by a favorite foo song but enough about my increasingly creepy obsession with all things dave grohl. hey, there is a new album out today and i've been in grohl heaven the last few weeks. but really, that man cranks me up! he rocks my soul.
back to times like these. there are moments in your life, words that you read on a page or something someone says to you that sticks with you. i like to compare them to drops of dew. add them up and you have a beautiful pool of water. each time another droplet falls, it makes ripples. good or bad. they all add up and make you what you were meant to be all along. i know, ridiculous imagery but for some reason it all comes back to water for me.
well, i just received one of those little drops. it made an enormous impact on my small pond too and i was not at all expecting it. iback in the day it was a phone call or a message or a note. not anymore. now it's a post or an i.m. or a message sent via some social network. some people say it's an impersonal way of expressing yourself but i disagree. if i had never reached out on a social network, well, i would never know how many people love and care for me and vice versa.
i am finishing up for the evening and went to check my emails and what do you know, a message from a friend on fbook. and it wasn't just from any "friend". it was from one of my soul sisters. i know, i know...put away the fucking hippie shoes and stop dreaming of rainbows and dead shows. but it's a real thing. my soul sisters. there are probably more of them than i realize and for those that i do recognize, well, there isn't anything in this world that could break them from me. we are one in the same.
this particular soul sista is one with whom i hold a great deal of respect, admiration, general blissful love for the person she has become. we've known each other for decades now. several years ago she came to a realization that her life needed to become sober in order to be full. that right there speaks volumes to me. she's sober, she faced her demons, she continues to face them every damn day. her feet hit the floor and she fights another day and you know what, that day doesn't stand a fucking chance. she is a force unlike any other i've ever had the pleasure of knowing. i am in awe of her strength, love, determination. sounds like i have a girl crush and perhaps i do. she's pretty damned fine too.
i struggle to explain my relationship with her but only one thing comes to mind. i always feel as though she cradles me. she has a way of cradling me and supporting me with only the tiniest word or acknowledgment. unfortunately for both of us, we have incredibly busy and complicated lives right now. she's finishing an amazing journey through a medical program in school - hollee shitballs right there! - and i'm, well, being the spitfire that i am by nature. in ten places at once. but when we have the chance to communicate, even via email, it's something special.
tonight i got a message that simply said how proud she was of me. picking. jaw. up. off. the. floor. how she felt i had handled things so well. that i had walked through a lot of fear and scary things this past year and had done it beautifully. i am in awe. the tears came quickly. happy tears. tears of mutual respect and love. to think that this woman, who has pulled herself up from so much pain in her past, who has turned her life around one day at a time. for her to say she is proud of me, well, i'm humbled and feel very lucky to have her in my life.
and it's corny to say, and it's so foo of me, but it really is times like these that make it all worth it. it's time like these. time and time again.
back to times like these. there are moments in your life, words that you read on a page or something someone says to you that sticks with you. i like to compare them to drops of dew. add them up and you have a beautiful pool of water. each time another droplet falls, it makes ripples. good or bad. they all add up and make you what you were meant to be all along. i know, ridiculous imagery but for some reason it all comes back to water for me.
well, i just received one of those little drops. it made an enormous impact on my small pond too and i was not at all expecting it. iback in the day it was a phone call or a message or a note. not anymore. now it's a post or an i.m. or a message sent via some social network. some people say it's an impersonal way of expressing yourself but i disagree. if i had never reached out on a social network, well, i would never know how many people love and care for me and vice versa.
i am finishing up for the evening and went to check my emails and what do you know, a message from a friend on fbook. and it wasn't just from any "friend". it was from one of my soul sisters. i know, i know...put away the fucking hippie shoes and stop dreaming of rainbows and dead shows. but it's a real thing. my soul sisters. there are probably more of them than i realize and for those that i do recognize, well, there isn't anything in this world that could break them from me. we are one in the same.
this particular soul sista is one with whom i hold a great deal of respect, admiration, general blissful love for the person she has become. we've known each other for decades now. several years ago she came to a realization that her life needed to become sober in order to be full. that right there speaks volumes to me. she's sober, she faced her demons, she continues to face them every damn day. her feet hit the floor and she fights another day and you know what, that day doesn't stand a fucking chance. she is a force unlike any other i've ever had the pleasure of knowing. i am in awe of her strength, love, determination. sounds like i have a girl crush and perhaps i do. she's pretty damned fine too.
i struggle to explain my relationship with her but only one thing comes to mind. i always feel as though she cradles me. she has a way of cradling me and supporting me with only the tiniest word or acknowledgment. unfortunately for both of us, we have incredibly busy and complicated lives right now. she's finishing an amazing journey through a medical program in school - hollee shitballs right there! - and i'm, well, being the spitfire that i am by nature. in ten places at once. but when we have the chance to communicate, even via email, it's something special.
tonight i got a message that simply said how proud she was of me. picking. jaw. up. off. the. floor. how she felt i had handled things so well. that i had walked through a lot of fear and scary things this past year and had done it beautifully. i am in awe. the tears came quickly. happy tears. tears of mutual respect and love. to think that this woman, who has pulled herself up from so much pain in her past, who has turned her life around one day at a time. for her to say she is proud of me, well, i'm humbled and feel very lucky to have her in my life.
and it's corny to say, and it's so foo of me, but it really is times like these that make it all worth it. it's time like these. time and time again.
Monday, April 11, 2011
nay-ked
i've recently started to workout on a regular basis again. i even have a friend helping me get in shape for a 5K that i want to run in may. i've been eating more nutritious meals and am giving it a real effort to become a healthier and more comfortable woman. i don't need to be a size 8 but this size 18 is getting old real fast! for whatever reason, i've been thinking of myself naked these days. suppose it's because i'm more aware of the effort i'm giving to a healthy lifestyle. today i did something that is absolutely, totally, completely uncomfortable for me. as silly as it might sound, and as normal as it is for so many people to do, it's something i just don't do. never. ever.
today i stood completely naked in the mirror. head to toe. naked. you heard me correctly. stripped down nay-ked and i stared. i felt. i turned and twisted and swiveled. i lifted and dropped and squished and mashed. i even did the famous turn to the side in the mirror and suck things in and lift things up with my hand. even that didn't help. then i cried. and cried. and sobbed and cried. by the end of this experiment, i was a puddle on the floor. disgusted. nauseous. totally devastated with what my body has become. more so, what i have done to my body over the last 15 years. it was a moment of grief.
but you know what. i had to do it. i had to just strip it down and take a look at what i saw. not what i think my reality is but what it really looks like. in the raw. and it was sobering.
now i don't know if other people do this on a regular basis. i know people who are completely comfortable in the buff but i'm just not one of those people. there are days, just like most women, when you feel absolutely beautiful. sexy. vivacious. irresistible. up until recently those days were a thing of the past but when i met "switch"...shit, who am i kidding here. it's justin. plain and simple, remarkably, it's justin. so until justin came into my life i felt as if i would never feel like a woman again. now there are more days than not when i feel like a force with which to be reckoned.
even with this fine ass man who desires me to no end, i still hate to be naked in front of him. what the hell? he loves me, he obviously can see past the extra stay puft marshmallow layer so why am i so uncomfortable with it myself. i make sure the lights are off. i cover myself if even a little light comes in under the door. i'm incredibly self conscious about my body. always have been but even with the latest feeling of empowerment and exploration, i'm still just a scared naked girl.
what i found when i took my clothes off today, in the daylight, and really took a close look at myself, well, i was surprised. yes, there's more of me than i would like. things are no longer firm and svelte. there are ripples and bumps and lumps. after i picked myself up from the floor and decided that this just wasn't how i wanted this experiment to end, i took another look. and then another. and another. the more i looked, the more i saw. it's not all flaws. it's not all fat. it's not all lumps. my skin is still smooth and firm, milky white and soft. i still retain more of an hourglass figure than one of a round apple. my waist is still defined, my breasts round and somewhat firm, my ass is still kickin. it's just that there is far more of me than is comfortable or healthy.
but guess what? i didn't like what i saw but i was comfortable with it. i was comfortable with the damage that i've done to myself over the years. it's acted as a means of defense. this extra layer of me has served its purpose as a guard. it has protected me from what i feared most. myself. but i'm not so scared of her anyone. everyday i like her more and more. the layer isn't needed anymore and i refuse to hate it for one more minute. suppose you could say it was an "aha" moment.
so the next time the light comes under the door, i will not apologize or scramble for the covers. i will enjoy my body the way that it was meant to be. in all of it's nakedness. bare. real. and beautiful.
today i stood completely naked in the mirror. head to toe. naked. you heard me correctly. stripped down nay-ked and i stared. i felt. i turned and twisted and swiveled. i lifted and dropped and squished and mashed. i even did the famous turn to the side in the mirror and suck things in and lift things up with my hand. even that didn't help. then i cried. and cried. and sobbed and cried. by the end of this experiment, i was a puddle on the floor. disgusted. nauseous. totally devastated with what my body has become. more so, what i have done to my body over the last 15 years. it was a moment of grief.
but you know what. i had to do it. i had to just strip it down and take a look at what i saw. not what i think my reality is but what it really looks like. in the raw. and it was sobering.
now i don't know if other people do this on a regular basis. i know people who are completely comfortable in the buff but i'm just not one of those people. there are days, just like most women, when you feel absolutely beautiful. sexy. vivacious. irresistible. up until recently those days were a thing of the past but when i met "switch"...shit, who am i kidding here. it's justin. plain and simple, remarkably, it's justin. so until justin came into my life i felt as if i would never feel like a woman again. now there are more days than not when i feel like a force with which to be reckoned.
even with this fine ass man who desires me to no end, i still hate to be naked in front of him. what the hell? he loves me, he obviously can see past the extra stay puft marshmallow layer so why am i so uncomfortable with it myself. i make sure the lights are off. i cover myself if even a little light comes in under the door. i'm incredibly self conscious about my body. always have been but even with the latest feeling of empowerment and exploration, i'm still just a scared naked girl.
what i found when i took my clothes off today, in the daylight, and really took a close look at myself, well, i was surprised. yes, there's more of me than i would like. things are no longer firm and svelte. there are ripples and bumps and lumps. after i picked myself up from the floor and decided that this just wasn't how i wanted this experiment to end, i took another look. and then another. and another. the more i looked, the more i saw. it's not all flaws. it's not all fat. it's not all lumps. my skin is still smooth and firm, milky white and soft. i still retain more of an hourglass figure than one of a round apple. my waist is still defined, my breasts round and somewhat firm, my ass is still kickin. it's just that there is far more of me than is comfortable or healthy.
but guess what? i didn't like what i saw but i was comfortable with it. i was comfortable with the damage that i've done to myself over the years. it's acted as a means of defense. this extra layer of me has served its purpose as a guard. it has protected me from what i feared most. myself. but i'm not so scared of her anyone. everyday i like her more and more. the layer isn't needed anymore and i refuse to hate it for one more minute. suppose you could say it was an "aha" moment.
so the next time the light comes under the door, i will not apologize or scramble for the covers. i will enjoy my body the way that it was meant to be. in all of it's nakedness. bare. real. and beautiful.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
great expectations
i need to loosen my grip. on reality? nah. that one could probably use some tightening up but that would be entirely too depressing so i'll just stay in lala land for as long as they have me.
i need to loosen up and stop being so hard on myself. the self negating voice that is yelling in my head is a tough one to quiet. it's been there a long time and frankly it's quite comfortable there telling me all the things i'm not. telling me how i have nothing to give but instead take, take, take from everyone and everything. it tells me i'm ugly and fat and uglier and fatter. it tells me that when i feel accomplish or good about myself that it's all just an illusion. that i'm lying to myself and to everyone around me. as if i'm an impostor in my own life.
lately there have been loads of examples of this self loathing mindset. in the past 15 plus months i have taken on more than many people do in 15 years. i picked up the pieces of an entangled life and moved away from a terrible marriage to a man who never loved me, i'm raising two children, i bought a house and have successfully moved into it over the last week, i have met a man who treats me with respect and love, i have great friends and family, etc. etc. etc. yep, blessings are abundant. i should be proud. there's a part of me that's proud. but you wanna know what's so scary and self defeating about all of it...i don't feel i deserve one single bit of it. not one single part of all the good things unfolding in front of me. it's not for me. it's for someone else. it's for someone better. it's for someone else but it's definitely not for me.
i've worked hard. i've worked damn hard to get here. i should be basking in the joy that has become my life and yet all i want to do, all i feel i can do is cling to the things that i know. what do i know? i know how to hate myself. i know how to hurt myself. i know how to eat and then eat and then eat some more. i know how to second guess myself and everything about me. i know how to fuck things up. and for me, that's comfortable. the rest of this, all the good, is so incredibly uncomfortable that it is literally filtering itself through my body. i'm exhausted, i'm tattered, i feel physically ill.
so what's the deal? why can't i get past this feeling? how? why? where does this "root" lead? it has to lead somewhere deep and not easily touchable. otherwise i would have found it by now. all the discovery, all the breaking away and breaking out that i've done is exhilarating, freeing, liberating and yet i feel more trapped than ever. trapped with myself. trapped by myself. trapped in this belief that i am less. i am less than what i've become.
yep, i'm a woman of great expectations. i have great expectations of myself. and i' fear i'll never meet them. something's gotta give.
i need to loosen up and stop being so hard on myself. the self negating voice that is yelling in my head is a tough one to quiet. it's been there a long time and frankly it's quite comfortable there telling me all the things i'm not. telling me how i have nothing to give but instead take, take, take from everyone and everything. it tells me i'm ugly and fat and uglier and fatter. it tells me that when i feel accomplish or good about myself that it's all just an illusion. that i'm lying to myself and to everyone around me. as if i'm an impostor in my own life.
lately there have been loads of examples of this self loathing mindset. in the past 15 plus months i have taken on more than many people do in 15 years. i picked up the pieces of an entangled life and moved away from a terrible marriage to a man who never loved me, i'm raising two children, i bought a house and have successfully moved into it over the last week, i have met a man who treats me with respect and love, i have great friends and family, etc. etc. etc. yep, blessings are abundant. i should be proud. there's a part of me that's proud. but you wanna know what's so scary and self defeating about all of it...i don't feel i deserve one single bit of it. not one single part of all the good things unfolding in front of me. it's not for me. it's for someone else. it's for someone better. it's for someone else but it's definitely not for me.
i've worked hard. i've worked damn hard to get here. i should be basking in the joy that has become my life and yet all i want to do, all i feel i can do is cling to the things that i know. what do i know? i know how to hate myself. i know how to hurt myself. i know how to eat and then eat and then eat some more. i know how to second guess myself and everything about me. i know how to fuck things up. and for me, that's comfortable. the rest of this, all the good, is so incredibly uncomfortable that it is literally filtering itself through my body. i'm exhausted, i'm tattered, i feel physically ill.
so what's the deal? why can't i get past this feeling? how? why? where does this "root" lead? it has to lead somewhere deep and not easily touchable. otherwise i would have found it by now. all the discovery, all the breaking away and breaking out that i've done is exhilarating, freeing, liberating and yet i feel more trapped than ever. trapped with myself. trapped by myself. trapped in this belief that i am less. i am less than what i've become.
yep, i'm a woman of great expectations. i have great expectations of myself. and i' fear i'll never meet them. something's gotta give.
Friday, January 21, 2011
sparks fly
i have some catching up to do with myself and this process that is the recovery from divorce. i could write all day and night about it and the reality would be that it will reverberate for much longer than i would like. damn ass-munch and his legacy of pain. did i mention he's a fucktard? yeah, thought so.
honestly i haven't been thinking about it much lately. why? could be that fucktard is officially ex-fucktard. maybe it's the fact that i don't have the constant worry of "what if's" around every corner. i couldn't really give a rats-ass as to why i don't think of it, i'm just enjoying the ease of my everyday. it's well deserved and a relief to have that chapter of my life behind me and behind my kids. i'm very thankful.
one of the many perks that has come from cutting that ass-munch out of my life...that term is so deplorably under used...is my ability to focus on the gifts that surround me. since mid december i have been able to enjoy my children more, my freedom more, my creativity, my ability to just sit in silence, my freedom to cry or laugh or do a little of both. it's liberating and unless you've gone through something of this magnitude, whether it be marriage, divorce, a loss, a gain, a major life change, a shift in the universe, well, i'm afraid you just don't understand. i certainly didn't until i went through it.
the best way to describe the way i'm feeling lately is the magic that happens when sparks fly. sparks fly? jeez, i want to smack myself for making such a cliche remark. romanticized bullshit, and i'm one to call bullshit without hesitation, but there's some truth in the term. sparks do indeed take flight. they ignite. they don't burn away. they spark another reaction. a combustion that is all it's own. it's the beginning of another reaction that causes yet another reaction and so on and so on. i was reminded of this today when justin was showing off his wrench turning skills by giving my car a little tlc. it's only fair since he gave my "engine" some serious attention last night. yowza! that man fucking rocks my world!!
back to the other engine...so today we took on the project of draining and replacing my oil and oil filter. i am well on my way from my position as "motorhead girlfriend" into full fledged "motorhead apprentice" and i'm totally diggin getting my hands dirty and figuring out how things tick. this is right up my alley. we, and yes i did do a little time under the hood of my car, also replaced my spark plugs. this, as it turns out, is really a rather simple task. takes some elbow grease to get those little suckers out. takes some patience and precision reinstalling them but in general it's a matter of doing the job properly.
like most ladies out there, and yes that is an incredibly chauvinistic generalization, i knew little about the power of the spark plug in relation to a vehicle's performance. for instance, i had no idea a spark plug needed to be "calibrated" to just the right distance to produce the correct spark. i had no idea that there was a scientific formula to such. I was also surprised to know that if said spark plug is not calibrated correctly that it can have an effect on how quickly and efficiently your engine starts. it's all about the proper fit, the proper calibration, that brings about that spark and eventually the combustion of fuel. fascinating really but i am trying to make a point here. just don't remember where it's gone...hey look, SQUIRREL!
as i was hovered over the engine and listening carefully to my 1-800-own-a-stud instructor, i found myself stopped in time. as if everything slowed down by a few seconds. i was savoring it. i noticed the distinguished wrinkles around justin's eyes, the velvet tone of his deep southern drawl, watching him turn his wrench, his hands beaten and weathered, appreciating the tender way he was teaching me what he knows about being a motorhead, i realized that things are starting to become calibrated, balanced for me. i have an incredibly stable, well adjusted starting point. yes, i'm still an unemployed and multi-directional artist (multi-directional sounds so much better than unfocused artsy shithead). yes, i'm still financially on shaky ground. yes, i'm still a mom who doubts her ability to raise well adjusted kids. and yes, i am still dependent on my food addiction as a means of coping. hey, miracles don't happen over night. but goddamn do i have a spark!
i can't take credit for that spark alone. nope. i owe it to my family and my friends and my beautiful children and this wonderful man with whom i am able to share my life. i'm at just the right measurement, just the right calibration to produce that spark. just the right balance of fierce passion and leveled sensibility. for the first time in my life i actually feel like i'm going to light things up for myself. it's not that i feel invincible. instead i feel like my very own catalyst. i'm not afraid of burning up. the flame is not what i need to carry. i just need to make sure that sparks fly and the rest of it will ignite on it's own. no need to worry about the rest of the steps.
i just need that one action to cause a reaction. how perfectly simple.
today i'm thankful for that gift. the gift i have in myself to know that i am that one step.
i'm the one who will make that spark fly.
honestly i haven't been thinking about it much lately. why? could be that fucktard is officially ex-fucktard. maybe it's the fact that i don't have the constant worry of "what if's" around every corner. i couldn't really give a rats-ass as to why i don't think of it, i'm just enjoying the ease of my everyday. it's well deserved and a relief to have that chapter of my life behind me and behind my kids. i'm very thankful.
one of the many perks that has come from cutting that ass-munch out of my life...that term is so deplorably under used...is my ability to focus on the gifts that surround me. since mid december i have been able to enjoy my children more, my freedom more, my creativity, my ability to just sit in silence, my freedom to cry or laugh or do a little of both. it's liberating and unless you've gone through something of this magnitude, whether it be marriage, divorce, a loss, a gain, a major life change, a shift in the universe, well, i'm afraid you just don't understand. i certainly didn't until i went through it.
the best way to describe the way i'm feeling lately is the magic that happens when sparks fly. sparks fly? jeez, i want to smack myself for making such a cliche remark. romanticized bullshit, and i'm one to call bullshit without hesitation, but there's some truth in the term. sparks do indeed take flight. they ignite. they don't burn away. they spark another reaction. a combustion that is all it's own. it's the beginning of another reaction that causes yet another reaction and so on and so on. i was reminded of this today when justin was showing off his wrench turning skills by giving my car a little tlc. it's only fair since he gave my "engine" some serious attention last night. yowza! that man fucking rocks my world!!
back to the other engine...so today we took on the project of draining and replacing my oil and oil filter. i am well on my way from my position as "motorhead girlfriend" into full fledged "motorhead apprentice" and i'm totally diggin getting my hands dirty and figuring out how things tick. this is right up my alley. we, and yes i did do a little time under the hood of my car, also replaced my spark plugs. this, as it turns out, is really a rather simple task. takes some elbow grease to get those little suckers out. takes some patience and precision reinstalling them but in general it's a matter of doing the job properly.
like most ladies out there, and yes that is an incredibly chauvinistic generalization, i knew little about the power of the spark plug in relation to a vehicle's performance. for instance, i had no idea a spark plug needed to be "calibrated" to just the right distance to produce the correct spark. i had no idea that there was a scientific formula to such. I was also surprised to know that if said spark plug is not calibrated correctly that it can have an effect on how quickly and efficiently your engine starts. it's all about the proper fit, the proper calibration, that brings about that spark and eventually the combustion of fuel. fascinating really but i am trying to make a point here. just don't remember where it's gone...hey look, SQUIRREL!
as i was hovered over the engine and listening carefully to my 1-800-own-a-stud instructor, i found myself stopped in time. as if everything slowed down by a few seconds. i was savoring it. i noticed the distinguished wrinkles around justin's eyes, the velvet tone of his deep southern drawl, watching him turn his wrench, his hands beaten and weathered, appreciating the tender way he was teaching me what he knows about being a motorhead, i realized that things are starting to become calibrated, balanced for me. i have an incredibly stable, well adjusted starting point. yes, i'm still an unemployed and multi-directional artist (multi-directional sounds so much better than unfocused artsy shithead). yes, i'm still financially on shaky ground. yes, i'm still a mom who doubts her ability to raise well adjusted kids. and yes, i am still dependent on my food addiction as a means of coping. hey, miracles don't happen over night. but goddamn do i have a spark!
i can't take credit for that spark alone. nope. i owe it to my family and my friends and my beautiful children and this wonderful man with whom i am able to share my life. i'm at just the right measurement, just the right calibration to produce that spark. just the right balance of fierce passion and leveled sensibility. for the first time in my life i actually feel like i'm going to light things up for myself. it's not that i feel invincible. instead i feel like my very own catalyst. i'm not afraid of burning up. the flame is not what i need to carry. i just need to make sure that sparks fly and the rest of it will ignite on it's own. no need to worry about the rest of the steps.
i just need that one action to cause a reaction. how perfectly simple.
today i'm thankful for that gift. the gift i have in myself to know that i am that one step.
i'm the one who will make that spark fly.
Monday, January 17, 2011
i'm on the mend
i have been rather introspective lately. the changes in my life are almost too much to comprehend. i'm divorced, i'm in love, i am love, i am a burning spear. which one of those on which day is another story. it's just too fucking much to comprehend all at once. slowly starting to crawl around and see what i'm made of deep down. so in my soul searching as of late i've been inspired to write. here, there, whenever. for some reason, i wanted to post this one for posterity. sort of like holding your breath and waiting to exhale. i'm exhaling and now i can fill my lungs again. this time with virgin air.
on the mend
i'm here
one more day that i've survived
i'm breathing on my own
wake me
wake me with my name
was it your voice that whispered
was it your fire against my cheek
i'm here
are you ready
dizzy spinning
wheels turning
end over end
close your eyes and stay a while
we will wander
after all
we are not permanent
set me on fire
my soul will not burn
dark and pooling
glorious and naked
the wheels come off
but i'm on the mend
stitches and glue
where does the water end
and i begin
catch it and mend it
can you catch water
i'm on the mend
Friday, November 5, 2010
monday monday
it has come down to this. a friday before a monday. in a few short days i will know one way or another which way to turn. it's all overwhelming to think of and know the consequences are so great. on the other hand i feel prepared and grounded. could say these concrete shoes aren't such a bad idea after all.
it has been three months, three excruciatingly long months, since assface (i have tired of the fucktard monicker so thought about trying out assface) and i sat down with our attorneys and a mediator to try and hammer out a settlement agreement. after 6 hours of what would turn out to be useless negotiations, i walked away. resigning myself to the fact that i would have to move forward and take him before a judge. let a judge decide the fate of our property, our children, our lives. wow, me no likey other people making decisions about my entire life without so much as my input!!!!
i walked away from that meeting not at all disappointed with the outcome but again disappointed with his inability to change. blah blah blah....get the hell over it, e!! did you really expect something else??? long story short, fast forward 3 months later and we are now at a stand still. assface (not sure this name is working yet) made me an offer three months ago with no written agreement. in 3 months time we have been back and forth and back and forth again. this time, he has had an agreement, a final draft after i don't know how many changes, for 2 weeks. 2 entire fucking weeks and he has yet to respond.
i had a real epiphany, big surprise, when i had to let my children go the other night. it was halloween. every year on halloween the kids get dressed up and go trickin and treatin in the neighborhood with other kids and their families. this year turd-knuckle (not sure where this one came from but i kind of like it) had the children for the weekend. so instead of me taking them around the hood, he had the honors. and it is an honor. being able to share that experience with our children is special. more special than i realized. so here i am. i picked them up for about an hour and got them ready in their costumes, took some pictures of them, let them visit with my parents and then it was time to drop them off back at the house. what happened next was unexpected.
i stood in my yard, my grass that i painstakingly care for, surrounded by the overgrown shrubbery that i planted, surrounded by the house that i put so much time and care and love into and it wasn't mine. it just wasn't mine anymore and this place didn't belong to me and i didn't belong to it. it hurt. it hurt deep down in my bones and i suddenly felt overwhelmed with sadness and hurt which translated itself into anger. to make matters worse, i had to leave my children there to take part in something that i enjoyed every damn year. every year i looked forward to halloween and now i had to pull out of my own driveway. it didn't make matters any better that turd-knuckle went out and bought great decorations for the holiday after years of telling me i couldn't do the same. fucker.
that's when it hit me. he has fucked with my life for long enough. i continue to be held by this man's incomprehensible hatred and disgust for me. i could have fucked his brother and still not deserved the abuse that i've received since leaving him. one of my best friends described him as a "dark soul". i had never thought of that term (personally i just like mother fucking piece of shit but dark soul works too) but it truly describes him. he has no joy. he has no happiness or genuine love. he is an empty man with an empty dark soul.
so i decided to put an end to this dragging of feet, holding it over my head. monday is the deadline. and when i say deadline, turd-knuckle has until noon on monday to have the agreement signed and on my attorney's desk. at 12:01 it expires. i won't accept it after that. this is a final chance for him. a chance that will benefit only one person and trust me on this one, he doesn't deserve it. he doesn't deserve this one last chance. one way or another monday is when i wash my hands of this debacle. it's also the day that the gloves come off for good.
somehow though i think i may be the only one who hears the timer. even i have a limit.
it has been three months, three excruciatingly long months, since assface (i have tired of the fucktard monicker so thought about trying out assface) and i sat down with our attorneys and a mediator to try and hammer out a settlement agreement. after 6 hours of what would turn out to be useless negotiations, i walked away. resigning myself to the fact that i would have to move forward and take him before a judge. let a judge decide the fate of our property, our children, our lives. wow, me no likey other people making decisions about my entire life without so much as my input!!!!
i walked away from that meeting not at all disappointed with the outcome but again disappointed with his inability to change. blah blah blah....get the hell over it, e!! did you really expect something else??? long story short, fast forward 3 months later and we are now at a stand still. assface (not sure this name is working yet) made me an offer three months ago with no written agreement. in 3 months time we have been back and forth and back and forth again. this time, he has had an agreement, a final draft after i don't know how many changes, for 2 weeks. 2 entire fucking weeks and he has yet to respond.
i had a real epiphany, big surprise, when i had to let my children go the other night. it was halloween. every year on halloween the kids get dressed up and go trickin and treatin in the neighborhood with other kids and their families. this year turd-knuckle (not sure where this one came from but i kind of like it) had the children for the weekend. so instead of me taking them around the hood, he had the honors. and it is an honor. being able to share that experience with our children is special. more special than i realized. so here i am. i picked them up for about an hour and got them ready in their costumes, took some pictures of them, let them visit with my parents and then it was time to drop them off back at the house. what happened next was unexpected.
i stood in my yard, my grass that i painstakingly care for, surrounded by the overgrown shrubbery that i planted, surrounded by the house that i put so much time and care and love into and it wasn't mine. it just wasn't mine anymore and this place didn't belong to me and i didn't belong to it. it hurt. it hurt deep down in my bones and i suddenly felt overwhelmed with sadness and hurt which translated itself into anger. to make matters worse, i had to leave my children there to take part in something that i enjoyed every damn year. every year i looked forward to halloween and now i had to pull out of my own driveway. it didn't make matters any better that turd-knuckle went out and bought great decorations for the holiday after years of telling me i couldn't do the same. fucker.
that's when it hit me. he has fucked with my life for long enough. i continue to be held by this man's incomprehensible hatred and disgust for me. i could have fucked his brother and still not deserved the abuse that i've received since leaving him. one of my best friends described him as a "dark soul". i had never thought of that term (personally i just like mother fucking piece of shit but dark soul works too) but it truly describes him. he has no joy. he has no happiness or genuine love. he is an empty man with an empty dark soul.
so i decided to put an end to this dragging of feet, holding it over my head. monday is the deadline. and when i say deadline, turd-knuckle has until noon on monday to have the agreement signed and on my attorney's desk. at 12:01 it expires. i won't accept it after that. this is a final chance for him. a chance that will benefit only one person and trust me on this one, he doesn't deserve it. he doesn't deserve this one last chance. one way or another monday is when i wash my hands of this debacle. it's also the day that the gloves come off for good.
somehow though i think i may be the only one who hears the timer. even i have a limit.
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