Current mood:
distraught (gonna post this blog because it's just how i feel right this second. however, don't get any ideas like i've gone off the deep end. i have not. i just feel like it today but i'll keep hanging on, just like i always do and hope that this blog will serve as an outlet for this horribly ugly self pity party. there. done. on with the show.)
it's official.
i am falling apart.
quickly.
feel like my head might just explode. i know my heart wants to right now.
this THIS this is just too much for one person.
i can no longer hold it together, be the glue that helps bind my little people to the security that is their mother. truth be told, their mother is struggling just to take a breath!
i have no idea who i am, where i've been, where i appear to be headed. feels like someone blindfolded me, spun me around and then sent me out into a landmine field all the while laughing as i dodge the explosions all around me.
i need to remind myself why i did this in the first place. even this hell is better than being in his.
has it really come to this? did it really have to get so bad, so uncommunicative and ugly? did he have to say such hateful, mean, untrue things to me over and over and over again? somehow i still have a hard time not believing that i am a worthless woman, a worthless mother, a worthless lover. my sensibilities are clouded and i'm easily influence, easily beaten down and i just don't know if i can get up anymore.
and the shrapnel is so painful. it is lodged into my muscle and bone. what's worse is that i am not the only one with wounds. my beautiful, kind, loving children have a few pieces here and there. i've been able to pull them out and leave little scarring but fear that one day they will step on a landmine and i won't be able to help them.
reminded again that this too shall pass.
somebody, anybody, help me. help me explain to my beautiful children why i had to leave. why i had to take them away from everything they know. please, somebody, help me tell them that their father is a good person who loves them and wants nothing but the best for them. it's a lie but somebody needs to teach me how to lie to them because i just can't bring myself to do it.
i hate him. i hate him for doing this to me and to his flesh and blood. i hate myself for letting him do it to me for so long. my biggest fear is that he is doing it again, only this time his victim is my nine year old.
i feel helpless against this fucking dragon. his heads are multiplying and yet i remain standing with my one sword and shield. sure hope this thing is fireproof!!!!
it's official.
i am falling apart.
quickly.
feel like my head might just explode. i know my heart wants to right now.
this THIS this is just too much for one person.
i can no longer hold it together, be the glue that helps bind my little people to the security that is their mother. truth be told, their mother is struggling just to take a breath!
i have no idea who i am, where i've been, where i appear to be headed. feels like someone blindfolded me, spun me around and then sent me out into a landmine field all the while laughing as i dodge the explosions all around me.
i need to remind myself why i did this in the first place. even this hell is better than being in his.
has it really come to this? did it really have to get so bad, so uncommunicative and ugly? did he have to say such hateful, mean, untrue things to me over and over and over again? somehow i still have a hard time not believing that i am a worthless woman, a worthless mother, a worthless lover. my sensibilities are clouded and i'm easily influence, easily beaten down and i just don't know if i can get up anymore.
and the shrapnel is so painful. it is lodged into my muscle and bone. what's worse is that i am not the only one with wounds. my beautiful, kind, loving children have a few pieces here and there. i've been able to pull them out and leave little scarring but fear that one day they will step on a landmine and i won't be able to help them.
reminded again that this too shall pass.
somebody, anybody, help me. help me explain to my beautiful children why i had to leave. why i had to take them away from everything they know. please, somebody, help me tell them that their father is a good person who loves them and wants nothing but the best for them. it's a lie but somebody needs to teach me how to lie to them because i just can't bring myself to do it.
i hate him. i hate him for doing this to me and to his flesh and blood. i hate myself for letting him do it to me for so long. my biggest fear is that he is doing it again, only this time his victim is my nine year old.
i feel helpless against this fucking dragon. his heads are multiplying and yet i remain standing with my one sword and shield. sure hope this thing is fireproof!!!!
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