Current mood:
calm This is the letter/email that I sent this morning to fucktard. I now feel like I have done everything that I possibly can to help my children. I still believe that he is a man of so little principle and of such egotistical nature that he will not and cannot see the writing on the wall. But by God, I am the ONLY ONE who has to live with myself and I refuse to live with myself holding all this hatred and contempt.
I am now centered and truly at peace.
..............................
M,
I don't know if I've ever felt this many things all at once. I'm frustrated, I'm tired, I'm angry and I'm disappointed. I decided tonight, after tossing and turning, that it was time to finally send you one last plea. One last attempt at trying to convince you of the obvious. I have let it eat me up inside for too long now. I'm filled with anger and hate and I cannot and will not let it invade my life anymore. I am again awake in the middle of the night. Well, it's now officially morning as it is 5am but I have been up since 4 if not before.
Tonight I tucked your children into their beds. Well, one of them into their respective beds. The other is in my bed while I attempt to sleep on a twin bunk bed mattress with an open wound on my leg. But I digress. This is NOT about me. After I got them both to sleep, which generally takes quite some time, I sat down and I cried. I sobbed like I haven't in a very long time. But I didn't cry because of my own suffering. I didn't cry because of our failed marriage or because of stress or illness or because of being overwhelmed. No. There have been plenty of those times over the last year that has been the case but not tonight.
I began thinking of all the ways that I wanted this divorce to go. I bought divorce books on ways to have a Collaborative divorce, read articles, looked at examples around me that work. All of the things that I had hoped we could accomplish. I thought of all the ways that this hurt, this deep chasm could have been bridged if we could somehow put aside our differences and do it for the right reasons. If we could somehow put aside all of the anger, insecurity, money, pride, and focus on our children. But that wasn't what had me crying. I cried because that hasn't happened and I fear it never will.
Time and time again, despite what you may believe, I have extended the proverbial olive branch to you. Why? Certainly not because I wanted to, M. All I have wanted to do is get as far away from you as possible. That may hurt to hear and I don't mean it as such but we are better off apart and I think deep down you know that's the case. Now granted, you may not see it that way but I know I have tried. I have called you, invited you to go with us to lunches, movies, come over, extended time that you can see the kids. You may think I've done this to somehow look like a "bigger" person in a Judge's mind or because I expected the same in return. In a way I did expect some of the same from you but that wasn't the motive. It has always been for the kids, not for you and not for me.
I want what is best for our children. What is best is that they see us getting along. I have tried to reach out to you about my concerns over their well being, their emotional distress and changes, for several months now to no avail. Time and time again I try and I get no response. This is not about me, M. It is not about you. It is about our children. A has been opening up just in the past week since seeing her therapist, T, and I am so thankful that she has someone to lean upon. She talks openly with my mom but she doesn't have the experience and knowledge of T. While she's been opening up, she has had lots of questions, emotional breakdowns and just wants some answers.
The bottom line is this, M, and it's a harsh truth. I didn't think I could ever harbor such ill feelings for you but I do. I hate the way you have disrespected me, made me feel as if I am not worthy of love or basic human comfort and kindness. Your actions, your every step of this process has been made more and more difficult because of your unwillingness to change, to compromise, to give. You have erased me and I have let you. But this isn't about ME or YOU! It is impossible for me to overlook the way you treat me and I'm sure you can say that same about me. But my God, can't you see what this is doing to our children? I am begging you, flat out begging and pleading for you to communicate with me, to consider one more time doing what is right.
The house. Good lord, the house. Honestly, I hate the memories I have of so many things in that house. I hate the fact that it's falling apart and that it represents our marriage. I hate the idea of going back to the house where our friends now hate me. In the same respect, I love that house. I helped make it a home. Both of our children were brought home from the hospital to that house. I miss it but I was willing to let it go because I saw the effect it would have if I stayed there with you. I knew it would become an angry ugly place for our kids but I never wanted to leave. I never would have been the one to leave if I had known what an impact it would have made for the kids. But our children, your own flesh and blood, want nothing more than to have me living there with them again. A is too frightened to tell you. She's afraid to hurt your feelings and there is no other way to tell you except to say that she is desperate to have me move back in there with them. It's the truth, M. I feel that I have to speak for her because she is a child. She needs me. She needs us and I feel like my pleas go on deaf ears.
Now I know this will be met with opposition. I know that you probably think I have planted these ideas in her head but I am being sincere and honest with you. I understand your "logical" frame of mind will immediately say no but please consider what I have to say. Consider what my therapist S told you from the first time we went into her office. She told both of us that the best thing for the children is for the parent who spends the majority of the time with the kids to stay in the home. Whether you like it or not, that is me. And I know that you will say the only reason you aren't there is because you are working and I understand that. No one is saying that you don't spend time with your kids. It is simply the nature of my relationship with them. And the time will come that I will have my education completed and be able to go back to work full time but you can't deny the fact that I have stayed home with our children since the day they were born. Their lives have been based in that house, with the majority of their days spent with one person. Like it or not, that person is me. To expect that they are to move into an apartment, share a bedroom, have their world turned upside down and inside out, to leave everything that they know on a daily basis is just not right. It's just not right, M and I think deep down that you know it.
This isn't about me winning a "battle" or you proving a "point". It isn't about me missing the home I helped build. It's not about you being lonely. It's not about any of that. It's about their lives, not ours. Their comforts, not ours. If it were about us, it would be easy. I'm simply asking that you consider what I have said. Whatever you say, whether you give me a list of reasons why it isn't best, if you give me an excuse, if you voluntarily decide it's best or if you simply don't respond, I won't be angry. It doesn't matter to me.
I have said my peace and I am now at peace. One way or another, I am going to continue to try and work things out with you no matter what. I hope that you are open to trying to do the same with me. Not for us but so we can collectively make some good decisions, the right decisions for our children together.
E
I am now centered and truly at peace.
..............................
M,
I don't know if I've ever felt this many things all at once. I'm frustrated, I'm tired, I'm angry and I'm disappointed. I decided tonight, after tossing and turning, that it was time to finally send you one last plea. One last attempt at trying to convince you of the obvious. I have let it eat me up inside for too long now. I'm filled with anger and hate and I cannot and will not let it invade my life anymore. I am again awake in the middle of the night. Well, it's now officially morning as it is 5am but I have been up since 4 if not before.
Tonight I tucked your children into their beds. Well, one of them into their respective beds. The other is in my bed while I attempt to sleep on a twin bunk bed mattress with an open wound on my leg. But I digress. This is NOT about me. After I got them both to sleep, which generally takes quite some time, I sat down and I cried. I sobbed like I haven't in a very long time. But I didn't cry because of my own suffering. I didn't cry because of our failed marriage or because of stress or illness or because of being overwhelmed. No. There have been plenty of those times over the last year that has been the case but not tonight.
I began thinking of all the ways that I wanted this divorce to go. I bought divorce books on ways to have a Collaborative divorce, read articles, looked at examples around me that work. All of the things that I had hoped we could accomplish. I thought of all the ways that this hurt, this deep chasm could have been bridged if we could somehow put aside our differences and do it for the right reasons. If we could somehow put aside all of the anger, insecurity, money, pride, and focus on our children. But that wasn't what had me crying. I cried because that hasn't happened and I fear it never will.
Time and time again, despite what you may believe, I have extended the proverbial olive branch to you. Why? Certainly not because I wanted to, M. All I have wanted to do is get as far away from you as possible. That may hurt to hear and I don't mean it as such but we are better off apart and I think deep down you know that's the case. Now granted, you may not see it that way but I know I have tried. I have called you, invited you to go with us to lunches, movies, come over, extended time that you can see the kids. You may think I've done this to somehow look like a "bigger" person in a Judge's mind or because I expected the same in return. In a way I did expect some of the same from you but that wasn't the motive. It has always been for the kids, not for you and not for me.
I want what is best for our children. What is best is that they see us getting along. I have tried to reach out to you about my concerns over their well being, their emotional distress and changes, for several months now to no avail. Time and time again I try and I get no response. This is not about me, M. It is not about you. It is about our children. A has been opening up just in the past week since seeing her therapist, T, and I am so thankful that she has someone to lean upon. She talks openly with my mom but she doesn't have the experience and knowledge of T. While she's been opening up, she has had lots of questions, emotional breakdowns and just wants some answers.
The bottom line is this, M, and it's a harsh truth. I didn't think I could ever harbor such ill feelings for you but I do. I hate the way you have disrespected me, made me feel as if I am not worthy of love or basic human comfort and kindness. Your actions, your every step of this process has been made more and more difficult because of your unwillingness to change, to compromise, to give. You have erased me and I have let you. But this isn't about ME or YOU! It is impossible for me to overlook the way you treat me and I'm sure you can say that same about me. But my God, can't you see what this is doing to our children? I am begging you, flat out begging and pleading for you to communicate with me, to consider one more time doing what is right.
The house. Good lord, the house. Honestly, I hate the memories I have of so many things in that house. I hate the fact that it's falling apart and that it represents our marriage. I hate the idea of going back to the house where our friends now hate me. In the same respect, I love that house. I helped make it a home. Both of our children were brought home from the hospital to that house. I miss it but I was willing to let it go because I saw the effect it would have if I stayed there with you. I knew it would become an angry ugly place for our kids but I never wanted to leave. I never would have been the one to leave if I had known what an impact it would have made for the kids. But our children, your own flesh and blood, want nothing more than to have me living there with them again. A is too frightened to tell you. She's afraid to hurt your feelings and there is no other way to tell you except to say that she is desperate to have me move back in there with them. It's the truth, M. I feel that I have to speak for her because she is a child. She needs me. She needs us and I feel like my pleas go on deaf ears.
Now I know this will be met with opposition. I know that you probably think I have planted these ideas in her head but I am being sincere and honest with you. I understand your "logical" frame of mind will immediately say no but please consider what I have to say. Consider what my therapist S told you from the first time we went into her office. She told both of us that the best thing for the children is for the parent who spends the majority of the time with the kids to stay in the home. Whether you like it or not, that is me. And I know that you will say the only reason you aren't there is because you are working and I understand that. No one is saying that you don't spend time with your kids. It is simply the nature of my relationship with them. And the time will come that I will have my education completed and be able to go back to work full time but you can't deny the fact that I have stayed home with our children since the day they were born. Their lives have been based in that house, with the majority of their days spent with one person. Like it or not, that person is me. To expect that they are to move into an apartment, share a bedroom, have their world turned upside down and inside out, to leave everything that they know on a daily basis is just not right. It's just not right, M and I think deep down that you know it.
This isn't about me winning a "battle" or you proving a "point". It isn't about me missing the home I helped build. It's not about you being lonely. It's not about any of that. It's about their lives, not ours. Their comforts, not ours. If it were about us, it would be easy. I'm simply asking that you consider what I have said. Whatever you say, whether you give me a list of reasons why it isn't best, if you give me an excuse, if you voluntarily decide it's best or if you simply don't respond, I won't be angry. It doesn't matter to me.
I have said my peace and I am now at peace. One way or another, I am going to continue to try and work things out with you no matter what. I hope that you are open to trying to do the same with me. Not for us but so we can collectively make some good decisions, the right decisions for our children together.
E
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