Current mood:defiant
Fucktard: A narrow minded, egotistical, pencil dick, stupid and dimwitted fucking bastard that's both a Fuck and a Tard simultaneously.
I have been using it as my moniker for Mark for quite some time now but today I feel like it needs some permanence. Hence, I will no longer consider him Mark. He is simply fucktard. I am still fond of my mother’s nickname of “sperm donor” but it just lacks that oomph.
So a brief recap is in order. One, because I can never remember shit and two, because I just feel like it. I leave mark, he solidifies his status as fucktard by constantly giving me grief and being an ass unlike any other, then he files divorce papers, I file a response back asking for what is rightly mine, he refuses to give me any money for alimony or child support, I get my feelings hurt, he finally pays my rent this month and leaves me with $130 additional for "other expenses" (how generous).....wait, back up. I got my feelings hurt? What the fuck?
Getting your feelings hurt by someone who you expect to hurt you is preposterous. Did I expect him to walk gingerly and treat me with care or dignity? He’s never done it before so why would he start now? Was he just supposed to wake up one morning after 14 years and decide "today is the day I won't be a fucktard anymore". Hell no. so why is it that I am hurt when he acts like such a fucktard? Good question. And like all good questions, not one that I will let lie until I get to the bottom.
For fourteen years I have endured fucktards lack of support, his constant negative attitude about life in general, his strict rules regarding the way I conduct myself. I have dealt with him belittling me, discounting me, ignoring even my basic sexual needs. He even went a year and a half without having sex with me. I was pregnant for 8 out of those 18 months but the other 10 were spent wondering what might be wrong with me, why he didn't want me, why he wouldn't even try to fulfill my sexual desire. Not even one passionate kiss in a year and a half.
But time and time again I kept right on rolling along. All the while thinking that I was the inadequate component to our marriage. That I was the one with the hang-ups. That I was the one who was sure to lose her mind any day. I was convinced that I had a serious emotional disorder, that I couldn’t care for myself let alone care for my kids and that I needed to change each and every last thing about me.
I think the reason(s) that it hurts to see him act like a fucktard are simple. It’s not because I expect anything different from him. It’s because I came to expect that this was just how my life was going to remain. Not only is he the father of my children but he is the man I committed to spending the rest of my life with almost 12 years ago. Talk about having egg on my face. I feel like a fool. I feel betrayed by his egotistical, self righteous, narcissistic attitude and his all around disrespect for me. He has never once complimented me, told me he loved me with feeling, reassured me that I had nothing to worry about. Granted, I don’t need someone to tell me these things to feel important. But if you are going to be with someone for the rest of your life it would be nice to be told that you are loved. Basic human needs.
The thing that hit me when talking to many friends over the last few weeks and something switch said in particular is that he never loved me to begin. He never loved me. He never knew me enough to love me. He wanted to mold me into an emotionless woman who could be tamed to his liking. He didn’t want me to yearn for sex because he couldn’t perform like a typical man. Hell, he couldn’t even perform the act. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that we had sex less than 20 times in a 14 year span. And never, ever oral sex (which is a personal favorite). And I went that entire time without one single orgasm except at my own hand…no pun intended. He didn’t want me to work because then he wouldn’t have control to make me feel like less. He didn’t want me to feel beautiful because then I would realize how ugly he was on the inside. It was always about him. It was never me. I was an inconvenience. I was disrespected and taught to hate myself.
He didn’t turn into the enemy overnight. He has always been the enemy. I slept with the enemy for 14 years. 14 years of my life I wanted nothing more than the man next to me to be my protector and all the while he was the one trying to hurt me. And he did. That stops here. This open letter to fucktard is the end. I am none of the things he made me become. That girl is long gone. She found her dignity, her self-respect, her confidence, her happy place and the love of a man who is more than worthy…by the way; I am still madly in love with switch. Good lord he is my saving grace!
I will not pen another blog or speak his name. I will no longer discuss the way I feel about fucktard or how he has hurt me. He is the enemy and enemies have no place in my life anymore. I have wasted the last 14 years of my life on him and I won’t waste anymore.
Besides, I have better shit to do with my time. Like reclaim my life and my independence, all the while loving my kids, enjoying my life, regaining my confidence and zeal for life, getting fucked by a man that can handle the job more than adequately, loves me without question, stirs my soul, can rebuild my engine (both figuratively and literally) and can design me one hell of a house.
Life is sweet!
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