october 24

October 24, 2009 - Saturday

resolution
Current mood: calm
dammit folks, why didn't someone tell me what a whiny little bitch i've been lately?

seriously, are you just as tired of listening to me bitch, moan and feel sorry for myself as i am? i'm done with it. my attitude of woe is me, cruel world, look at my problems is really starting to piss me off. i have a feeling that many of my friends and family may be just as annoyed. just sayin....i'm incredibly appreciative and thankful for their patience and ability to see past it and supporting me anyway. i feel the love, people, and it hasn't gone unnoticed.

i've never been someone with a lot of patience for people of that nature. in fact, i try to live with the no regrets, don't look back attitude. i make my own messes. i don't blame others for the good or bad. some have been incredible decisions, some have been "what the fuck was she thinking". one way or another, they are mine. i own them.

but enough is enough.

i have continued to stay where i don't feel safe. it has served it's purpose but it doesn't fulfill me as an individual, move me or make me happy anymore. i have two beautiful children that are my priority and the greatest gift from all of this. i love mark for that. he helped give me these beautiful little people who have changed my very being. he's the best father i could have wanted for my children. but my marriage, i have moved through it and i've had my fill.

frankly, i've been pushed to make a decision. i don't like being pushed. in fact, there aren't a lot of times in my life where i have lost my temper but all of them have included other people invading my space, physically or emotionally. it is mine so step the fuck back. but the funny thing is that i'm incredibly thankful to be pushed this time, the anger isn't there. i needed someone to kick me in the ass and tell me to move the fuck on with things, one way or another. who knew that person would be mark? certainly not me.

the answer is clear. it's time. perhaps long overdue. it's time for me to slip into a new pair of shoes, wipe the dust off and get back in the game. living my life in the dark just isn't working for me anymore. so the setting up of two separate households, having to go back to work, figuring out how to start all over, as a 37 year old single mother of two who hasn't worked a real job in years, splitting of assets as well as debts, saying goodbye to the past 14 years. well, it's daunting to say the least. all the while trying to make it as smooth and as comfortable for my kids as possible.

it's not an option i'm looking at from a distance anymore. it's my new reality.

so i'm moving on. gonna try not to bitch and moan anymore. ok. not as much. it will still happen. i'll still have times where i feel sorry for myself and i'm not blind to the reality of the pain this will cause everyone in my life, including me. the mourning and loss of a marriage won't be easy on me either. i hate being the one to break mark. he'll hate me for a while but i can live with that now. i can live with myself knowing that i'm letting him move on too. i'm tired of hurting him just to try. to try and make something where there is nothing. it's not fair to either of us. i'm doing the right thing.

hell, this isn't going to be easy for anyone. especially my children. i worry about them the most. they are far more intuitive and strong in their resilience than i give them credit. amazing how a 5 and 8 year old just bounce back from things that break adults so easily. but i have to do it. my hand has been forced and i'm finally willing to doing what is right, get rid of what's been feeding that numbness. i'm ready to feel all of it. and it is fucking scary, liberating, lonely, anxiety ridden, unnerving, freeing and it makes me laugh a little at myelf. without laughing at it, i would most certainly fall right off of the cliffside.

but mostly, despite all the ways it makes me feel, this feels like me.

and that's not such a bad thing after all.

october 22

October 22, 2009 - Thursday 

don't want to and i'm not gonna...... Current mood:  accomplished i'm feeling downright bratty today....sticking my tongue out at everyone and giving you the moose ears with my fingers wiggling too. take that assholes! you know those kids that get dragged into a doctors office and as they are being hoisted up by one of their overly indulgent parents, they firmly grasp each side of the door casing? kicking, screaming, i don't want to go, holding onto that moulding as if their life depends on it. yeah well, that's me today. my feet are not, i repeat, not moving. "personal space" is essential to my well being. sometimes, i just want to be alone. do the old risky business, crank up the music, and whatever the hell i want within these walls. this weekend i have that opportunity. the other three members of my family are set to leave tomorrow afternoon to take a weekend trip to tampa to see family, around 4 hours away, and won't be back for more than 48 hours. can you imagine....48 hours of time to yourself to do whatever you want? that's the beauty of this kind of "freedom" and i have looked forward to it for a month. so they will leave on friday afternoon after the kids are done with school. that leaves me, alone, in this house, to raise whatever kind of hell i care to raise. but good old husband has to throw a wrench in my plans of freedom. oh yeah, how could he not? it's his favorite past-time. take my plans, squish them all up, and hand them back for me to unscramble. he's a serious shithead sometimes. he is begging me to come with them, take a roadtrip to see his family, who are all just a bunch of irish/german redheads that are just as stubborn and difficult as he can be. so i'm suppose to give up my 48 hours of peace? now he may well want the company. and my kids certainly wouldn't mind having old mom there to laugh and talk with. that part i would thoroughly enjoy. my kids are pretty incredible little people. but i could use a break from the "momsanity" right now. i am constantly a nurse maid and educator these days. motivational speaker, boo boo kisser, problem solver, you name it - i wear it proudly. but it would be nice to have a break from this domestic goddess bullshit. maybe he wants me to go because he knows deep down that this love affair i'm having is anything but a casual fling. that i look forward to having the freedom to spend some quality face time with another man. that fulfilling sex, many times over mind you, and several ice cold beers are on my agenda. he doesn't trust me and rightfully so. hell, if he had an affair that was more than just a sexual tryst, i would be concerned too. flip the coin, i don't disagree with his feelings of worry or trust one bit. i can't be trusted right now. not with the deep rooted connection i feel for this other man. i'm not willing to stop yet. perhaps he just thinks i'll lay around and be lazy and it bothers him that i won't be productive. perhaps he just doesn't want to have to do mom and dad duty the entire weekend. i don't blame him. it isn't easy being both parents for a weekend. but i think it's something even more ridiculous, more selfish. he wants to try and "reconnect" and put on a happy family show for his mother and siblings. he is so in love with the idea of things working out in our marriage that he has put on blinders to the fact that i'm not vested in it, that i'm done, that i'm moving on even if i'm not moving out. really pisses me off that he can be so arrogant to think that i can be made to feel guilty for wanting to have me time, for wanting to have more in my life than a failed marriage. that i just don't give a fuck if anyone likes my decision or not. i don't wanna go. i'm not gonna go and you can't make me. and it really doesn't matter what i do with the 48 hours. whether it is filled with adventures, sexual "truancy" to quote a friend, boredom, artistic endeavors, domestic duties or plain old fucking rock n'roll. doesn't matter really. it's mine. i've figured out his agenda, don't want to be a part of it and damn me, i'm feeling bratty and i'm staying put! here's to a blissful 48 hours.

october 21

October 21, 2009 - Wednesday

numbing sensation
Current mood: anxious
don't often find myself quoting pink floyd but this time, it seems only appropriate. "i have become comfortably numb". i've been there. generally involved a copious amount of weed and perhaps a few fresh shrooms but i've been there. it's purty there!

but right now, i'm just numb. the last few days have felt heavy, uncomfortable. i can't put my finger on the why's or how's but something is shifting. and we're not talking someone moving around the chairs. there is some serious, underlying, plate techtonics kind of shit going on. and i don't like it one little bit. nope. i'm not comfortable.

i like order, explanation. sounds odd since i tend to be somewhat organic with life in general, letting my heart take me where it feels a part of something. but a roadmap might be helpful about now. i can't find the answers, the order, the direction. instead i'm left with more and more questions. questions about my marriage, about my eating becoming a spiraling affliction, about this other man that i love, about how to do the right thing for my children, about what i really want in my life, about my creativity and how to direct it. it's all one big question. one big fucked up question that is overwhelming me.

so, what the hell AM i doing anymore? i just don't know. i have no answers right now. a few weeks ago i thought for sure that i had an inkling of an idea that had merit, a plan. something i could sink my teeth in and follow through. but not anymore. someone pulled the carpet out from under me and this concrete floor underneath is cold and hard. and i want that fucking carpet back.

i'm left with a feeling that is hollow. haven't felt this way in a very, very long time. anger, yep. passion, oh yeah. frustration, you betcha. but i'm having a hard time even feeling "love" right now and that's unusual for this little lady. i can generally find the good in most things, situations, times. but right now i don't feel anger, or hate, or love, or anything. i'm numb. but it's anything but comfortable.

so what's next. how do i move through this one when i can't even feel it? when i'm numb.

october 19

October 19, 2009 - Monday 

through the lens Current mood:  artistic Category: Art and Photography i consider myself a novice of many, many things and a master of none. i "tinker" with projects, start many at a time, and rarely finish them to completion. it's not because i'm scattered, although i was diagnosed with ADD not too long ago. it's simply because i like to get my hands dirty, feel it out, see where it takes me and when it's taken me as far as i want to go, i move on. when it comes to arts and expression, whatever works that day is my chosen medium. sometimes it's simply music. i can put some selected tunes on the ipod and feel free as a bird, expressive, fulfilled. unfortunately music is not one of my gifts but i relate to it, feel it, it moves through me and if i can only listen, then so be it. other times, writing seems to do the trick although lately i haven't felt much like writing prose or doing anything worthy of sharing. painting and drawing are longtime obsessions of mine and ones i haven't done in quite some time. partly due to time constraints of being a full time mom but also because i'm afraid of the results. this painter is rusty and it takes me quite some time to get back in the groove. then when i'm in the groove, real life pulls me out and i start the process all over again. very frustrating. pottery, sculpture, metal arts, textiles, graphic design, dance. all of these have at one point or another been a part of my self expression. i love to dabble and see where things take me, how it moves me. lately though, i've been feeling the need to rekindle my love of photography. i've taken many classes over the years and my love affair with it, the appreciation of this art form, has always been strong. so lately i've been picking up my camera, a very average digital but has a few bells and whistle, and reacquainting myself with f-stops, aperture and shutter speed. this is a far cry from the way i learned the basics during school. before it was roll after roll after roll. the only thing that kept me from getting good shots back then was the cost of development. those days are long gone. with the capabilities of digital, you have endless possibilities and the only thing standing in the way is your ability to work the damn camera properly or lack of batteries. so i'm starting again to explore this avenue of my creative process. along the way, i'm picking up some things i didn't know i had. my eye is better trained, my composition has come a long way from that of a young woman. i think the fact that i'm a mature woman (although somewhat debatable depending on the day) has helped nurture my eye. i see things differently now and i'm amazed at what that little camera has opened in me. didn't know it had been laying in wait all this time but now that it's awake, i'm enjoying it thoroughly. still have miles and miles to go. lots to learn, but i'm sure enjoying the ride. i like looking through this lense.

october 15

October 15, 2009 - Thursday 

a parental manual Current mood:  annoyed ooooo......i am in one fired up mood tonight. ready to hear me rant for a while? i swear, sometimes it takes all my willpower to bite my tongue. some people deserve to get an earful when it comes to raising children. being a mama cub myself, i would probably take great offense to someone telling me how to raise my children. but some people just need a fucking manual. case in point....have a good friend, K, who has four daughters (gulp). three of her girls are younger and from a second marriage - 8, 5 and 2 respectively. but she also has a daughter who turned 17 over the summer. K got pregnant with her longtime boyfriend at the age of 20 and they married and had a daughter. later divorced so her daughter, A, stays with her half of the time. well A, her daughter, got her license over the summer. K even had a car ready for her to drive when she hit 17 this year but it was a stick shift. paid for, but a stick shift. the kid didn't feel like learning how to drive it because it was too hard. so instead of telling the child that this is the car you get, take it or leave it, K went out and bought her a different car. just like that. i was disgusted. she didn't want to learn, she doesn't have to learn and she gets her way. what the fuck? it's insane the things they let this kid get away with. if she wants to eat brownies for breakfast then by all means, eat brownies for breakfast. if you want to drink diet pepsi in your captain crunch in lieu of milk, be my guest. oh you don't feel like cleaning your room, no problem. you don't have to. what really kills me is that K doesn't see it. she doesn't see that this child, this 17 year old child, needs a good talking to. that a good swift kick in the ass would go a long way. she needs to lay down the law but for some reason she just doesn't want to disturb their balance. this balance between mother and daughter that has spun itself into a frightening friendship. give me a fucking break! so my question is, when did it become acceptable to be your child's friend and not be your child's parent? personally, i think it's a huge epidemic in this country. i have countless friends and relatives who are so scared of their damn 5 year old being mad at them that they allow rude, inconsiderate, dangerous, downright obnoxious behavior. you don't say to a child "now do you really think you should be waving around that big knife little johnny?" no fucking way. instead you need to tell the shit to put it down and then you need to give the child a serious punishment for the behavior, not ask him how he feels about it. i'm not saying we need to beat the hell out of our child over spilled milk but there has to be a punishment for poor behavior. or at least the threat. i just don't understand. seems pretty simple and logical to me but then again, i'm old school. you are a parent. whether you made the decision or it was made for you, if you are a parent, do your job. kids need stability, rules, boundaries. how else will they learn right from wrong? what, do you really think that a 3 year old has the intellectual capability to say no when there is danger. hell no. a 3 year old is just trying not to poop in his pants. the delineation between right and wrong at any age is a slippery slope but no more so than as an adolescent. how the hell are they ever going to learn anything if you allow them to make the rules? i am reminded of two things my parents always told me. my mother was especially fond of saying that she wanted other people to enjoy being around her children. that our behavior was a direct reflection of the values and respect she had fostered in us. i feel the same way as a parent. you want people to enjoy your children, not consider them poster children for birth control. i want my children to respect one another and others in a dignified manner. these kids who don't say please and thank you....shit, my kids so no sir and yes maam, please and thank you, pardon me instead of "what?". and although i know it may seem archaic to some folks, i believe in respect for others, especially your elders. manners go a long way in this life. the other thing my mother taught me was that if your children don't hate you at some point in their lives, then you have done something wrong. by that she means that she has a job to do. raise her family and bring her children up to be good people. not be their friend. friendship is an entirely different relationship. my mom and i are very, very good friends now but i fucking hated her growing up. setting boundaries, rules, but by god they worked. and i was mad as hell at her back then. she would actually say "thank you" after i told her i hated her. i didn't get it back then but i do now. it meant "thanks, that means i'm doing something right". bottom line is this. you aren't doing your kid any favors by coddling and catering to their every need. teach them to change a tire, make dinner, do their own laundry. teach them to be a responsible person, do the right thing. you will be giving them a lifetime of sage wisdom. and if they hate you for a while for doing it, big fucking deal. you're the adult. deal with it. and make the kid learn how to drive the goddamn stick shift. everyone should know how to work a clutch.

october 13

October 13, 2009 - Tuesday 

those mighty oaks sing so this weekend i took a road trip. reluctantly. i love to travel round the east coast especially. have a special fondness for all southern sundries so i love a good small, muggy southern town. but new england in the fall is one of my favorite destinations. maybe next year..... but for now, i stayed fairly close to home. mostly because i have two fairly young children who require quite a bit of time and attention. not that my parents mind watching them but keeping up with an 8 and 5 year old is just a wee bit much to ask for more than two days. i also stayed close to home because i just knew that this wasn't a trip i wanted to take right now. but it was a birthday gift from my husband. he was hell bent on taking me back to savannah to celebrate and have a "romantic" weekend. needless to say, i wasn't too excited to be going with him. the city has changed since i visited last, some 7 years ago. it is largely due to the  popularity of a few famous books and movies written about savannah as well as a bustling art school and community. i remember when it was 3000 people in the entire college! scad, midnight in the garden of good and evil and the addition of the crazy southern bitch we know as paula dean have all garnered large tourist attention. i lived there for a total of 4 years, back before the hype. although i don't consider myself a "local" by any means, i have a strong suspicion that the extra attention is not welcome by all. after all, people have to live their lives here, not just vacation. same thing in any other historically significant city i would suppose. and despite the new development, the changing shape of the city, it was still the way i remember. the air was thick like the air there always feels. there are only a few months during the winter that the air has a crisp feel. the rest of the time, it's a little like a damp washcloth. i had forgotten the beauty in the old squares, the relevant homes that are truly homes and not just houses. the oaks, those mighty oaks sing to me. the architecture is alive, detailed and takes me back to another time. it's inspiring. pinkie master's still serves pbr on draft and smells of stale beer...also reminds me of a certain frosting i like on my cake. you can still get a great slice at vinnie's and take in breakfast at clary's. heck, the velvet elvis is still rockin, although i think it's lost some of it's punk roots. there are still lots of familiar places that remind me of those growing up years. it's even sweeter knowing that this man that i love has walked these same streets. although not together, i know he would appreciate them the way i do. it's truly a gem of a city and if you haven't been, i highly recommend you pack your walking shoes, slow down your gate...nothing moves quickly there, and get ready to drink the hell out of some irish whiskey and watch the trees sway.  but something very surprising happened while i was sitting, watching the people walk by, alone in thought. this wasn't a trip i wanted to take, i wasn't sitting on the park bench with the man i truly wanted to be with. but still i felt settled, relaxed and clear. it was as if the dappled light from the great oaks was shining down on me alone. i was reminded of the beauty and wonder we take for granted. i was awakened and renewed. i miss being around other people who are imaginative, full of wonder, challenging ideas and our perception of art. the tennis mom mentality that i'm surrounded with each and every day numbed it in me over the years. but i'm slowly feeling it roused. this time it feels stronger, more mature. it's something more attainable and palatable. walking those cobblestones, taking photos, it ended up being just the thing i needed to remember the places and people that i love and what my future holds. i have everything i need right here, in me. just need to open it up and see how this baby handles the turns. oh sweet savannah. thank you and we will meet again.

october 12

October 12, 2009 - Monday 

intuition i've got that funny feeling. and no, not the good kind. the one where you know there is danger lurking behind the corner but you aren't sure what you'll find. i'm reminded of booby traps in movies. raiders of the lost ark style. better yet, the goonies. booby traps. catch you by surprise because even if you have a trained eye, you miss them on occasion and there isn't a damned thing you can do about it. sucks. the past week has been emotional for me. celebrated a birthday and again i haven't reached this unrealistic goal in my head of what and who i should be. it's stupid and i'm not sure what the "goal" is but i'm pretty sure i pictured myself being a wee bit healthier and happier. then i was confronted with some of my strongest demons in the form of an unexpected and very unwelcome message. still really pissed off at that fucker for sucking the fun out of my birthday. i got to feel the arms of a beautiful man that i love so deeply it's as if he belongs to me alone. as a bonus, i got to eat french toast and laugh with him. finally, i traveled to one of my favorite southern towns, savannah, and relived the nuances, the architecture and the thick river air. but there is something under the surface. something that puts a knot in my throat. now i don't know how other people respond to intuition, gut instinct, listening to your heart. but i'm generally pretty well tuned to how i feel and why. instead, this one has me stumped. i have to start another week and although i feel like life is moving along comfortably, tolerably, i am acutely aware that this is not what i want. i dread getting into my bed tonight because i know that i've never felt safe there. i find great pain in the idea of having to get up and go tomorrow, put a fake fucking smile on my face just to keep things steady for everyone around me. i hate the fact that the man who comes home to me at night isn't the one i want to invest in, believe in, love. it's the uncertainty, the future, what happens next. how do i move on, move through, and still be okay in the end. so i give up. waving the white flag and i'm done. i'm just going to stop trying to control everything, let fate take it's course, listen closely to the vibrations in the railroad tracks and hope that i hear the train coming before it's too late.