october 22

October 22, 2009 - Thursday 

don't want to and i'm not gonna...... Current mood:  accomplished i'm feeling downright bratty today....sticking my tongue out at everyone and giving you the moose ears with my fingers wiggling too. take that assholes! you know those kids that get dragged into a doctors office and as they are being hoisted up by one of their overly indulgent parents, they firmly grasp each side of the door casing? kicking, screaming, i don't want to go, holding onto that moulding as if their life depends on it. yeah well, that's me today. my feet are not, i repeat, not moving. "personal space" is essential to my well being. sometimes, i just want to be alone. do the old risky business, crank up the music, and whatever the hell i want within these walls. this weekend i have that opportunity. the other three members of my family are set to leave tomorrow afternoon to take a weekend trip to tampa to see family, around 4 hours away, and won't be back for more than 48 hours. can you imagine....48 hours of time to yourself to do whatever you want? that's the beauty of this kind of "freedom" and i have looked forward to it for a month. so they will leave on friday afternoon after the kids are done with school. that leaves me, alone, in this house, to raise whatever kind of hell i care to raise. but good old husband has to throw a wrench in my plans of freedom. oh yeah, how could he not? it's his favorite past-time. take my plans, squish them all up, and hand them back for me to unscramble. he's a serious shithead sometimes. he is begging me to come with them, take a roadtrip to see his family, who are all just a bunch of irish/german redheads that are just as stubborn and difficult as he can be. so i'm suppose to give up my 48 hours of peace? now he may well want the company. and my kids certainly wouldn't mind having old mom there to laugh and talk with. that part i would thoroughly enjoy. my kids are pretty incredible little people. but i could use a break from the "momsanity" right now. i am constantly a nurse maid and educator these days. motivational speaker, boo boo kisser, problem solver, you name it - i wear it proudly. but it would be nice to have a break from this domestic goddess bullshit. maybe he wants me to go because he knows deep down that this love affair i'm having is anything but a casual fling. that i look forward to having the freedom to spend some quality face time with another man. that fulfilling sex, many times over mind you, and several ice cold beers are on my agenda. he doesn't trust me and rightfully so. hell, if he had an affair that was more than just a sexual tryst, i would be concerned too. flip the coin, i don't disagree with his feelings of worry or trust one bit. i can't be trusted right now. not with the deep rooted connection i feel for this other man. i'm not willing to stop yet. perhaps he just thinks i'll lay around and be lazy and it bothers him that i won't be productive. perhaps he just doesn't want to have to do mom and dad duty the entire weekend. i don't blame him. it isn't easy being both parents for a weekend. but i think it's something even more ridiculous, more selfish. he wants to try and "reconnect" and put on a happy family show for his mother and siblings. he is so in love with the idea of things working out in our marriage that he has put on blinders to the fact that i'm not vested in it, that i'm done, that i'm moving on even if i'm not moving out. really pisses me off that he can be so arrogant to think that i can be made to feel guilty for wanting to have me time, for wanting to have more in my life than a failed marriage. that i just don't give a fuck if anyone likes my decision or not. i don't wanna go. i'm not gonna go and you can't make me. and it really doesn't matter what i do with the 48 hours. whether it is filled with adventures, sexual "truancy" to quote a friend, boredom, artistic endeavors, domestic duties or plain old fucking rock n'roll. doesn't matter really. it's mine. i've figured out his agenda, don't want to be a part of it and damn me, i'm feeling bratty and i'm staying put! here's to a blissful 48 hours.