august 12

August 12, 2009 - Wednesday 

graduations and a broken spirit i do hate meetings. that feeling of not knowing how to start a conversation. especially if it's something difficult to say. today was one of those days. i slept very little last night. about 4 hours and i'm feeling broken, tired, like my soul is on fire. hot and tired. but i still had to get up this morning at 7am, get moving and have the kids ready before 9. the sitter came, i got in the car, turned off the music. i needed to think about what i would say. here i was driving up the street to meet with my pastor. a man i've known for quite a while. a man who knows my family, knows me on the surface. and he's just so cool. so spiritual. the man prayed with me today and started the prayer by saying "lord, why does life have to be so god damned hard?". i mean really, who, in organized religion, starts things that way. unfortunately for me, his guidance is his guidance and i must take it and run with it. seap it all in and mull it over. he was incredibly insightful, gentle, kind and just a regular person. it was nice to be understand, to be loved, supported in that way by a man i have the utmost repect for. his beliefs, his heart, he's really a beautiful person and wise beyond his 50+ years. he shared with me two things that resound. i can't stop thinking of them really. just playing it over and over in my head. vince had a young, fast marriage and a child who is now a grown man, married and has three children hiself. vince married, had a child and was quickly divorced. his ex had pretty much full custody of his son and i knew all of this going into my discussion with him today. he is happily married now to anna and they have twin sons going away to college this year. his life is full now, and happy, and joyful. he's a remarkable minister. what struck me was a story he told about going out to california recently, he and his son are close as adults and seem to have a solid foundation, for his son's graduation from a masters/phd program. i knew he had recently gotten back from the trip. he said that his son graduated, the ex from 28 years ago was there, she's very involved and they are friendly with one another. but at one moment his son reached out and took both of his parents each by the hand. he spoke gently and said "i just want to hold each of each for a minute and feel what it's like to be a family together, just the three of us". upon hearing it i cried. i just let it out. all the fear of hurting and losing and loss that already happened and pain knowing that this is the reality of divorce on children. that this is the arena in which i am stepping and i'm not sure that my arsenal of weaponry will suffice. i hate to think of it in terms of battling. i believe in my heart that it will not get ugly. those aren't the weapon of which i speak. the guarding of hearts. that's the real battle ground and this heart is broken just thinking of changing things for everyone around me. i'm scared. i'm not nervous, i'm plain old shitless scared and want to fucking crawl in a corner and stick my head in the ground. so we talked some more and right when i thought he was done discussing things with me he shared something that resounded in me even more. he told me that he stopped apologizing a long time ago about deciding to leave that marriage. he was broken over having to say goodbye and changing the fate of his child. he was sorry, so very sorry, for having to make that decision. but he simply, and with few words, told me that had he stayed in that marriage, with his ex, that his life would have been unfulfilled and his spirit broken. so is he sorry for leaving, no. is he sorry that he wasn't in his child's life, yes, he was. but would he be okay today, right now had he stayed. no, he would not be okay. it would have broken his spirit. i am thankful that he left and shared it with me and with everyone he touches. and what a beautiful spirit he holds. it's a gift. a gift from god. it also reminded me of something i once read and want to put it here so i don't forget it for a long time: So this movement I am unable to make. As soon as I would begin to make it everything turns around dizzily, and I flee back to the pain of resignation. I can swim in existence, but for this magical soaring I am too heavy. -Soren Kierkegaard